- Michael: Take a seat. Janet will give you Tahani's file.
- Vicky: Oh, no, I don't need her file. I know Tahani very well: self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Typical Vicky, throwing shade. But it doesn't matter, 'cause I'm casting it. Because I'm closer to the sun. I'm tall.
- Megan: [watching Vicky's test for Tahani] Okay, so, like, her parents were the chainsaw bear... but instead of chopping off her head, they chopped off her self-esteem?
- Vicky: Yes, Megan, good! Take what you know about them and then force them into moments of personal difficulty. Think of it as flattening the penises of their heart.
- Steve: Oh! Now it makes sense!
- Michael: I'm upset because for hundreds of years, I've had a job. First it was finding a better way to torture humans, then helping them, then proving the system was broken, then teaching the demons. I had to roll a rock up a hill, over and over. And then it kept rolling down, so I had to do it again. And then Vicky comes along with this... like, rock-lifter thing, and just lifts it to the top of the hill. Pushing the rock up the hill gave me a purpose. Who am I... if the rock is gone?
- Chidi Anagonye: Uh, listen. Maybe on paper, you and Janet don't make total sense, but who cares? The relationship you have built together is wonderful. She knows you and loves you, and that's all that matters.
- Jason Mendoza: Do you really believe that?
- Chidi Anagonye: Of course I do.
- Jason Mendoza: [laughs] Sucker!
- Chidi Anagonye: Sorry?
- Jason Mendoza: I got you so bad. Dude, pretend what you just said was what you said to you instead of to me. And you have to listen to yourself, because it was already in your own head and then came out. But just put it back in your head, and realize that it was you talking about you and Eleanor.
- Chidi Anagonye: Against all odds, I know what you mean, and I-I got to give it up. That was... that was good.
- Jason Mendoza: Yeah, it was. Chess mate.
- Chidi Anagonye: But also, while Michael is trying to get the Architects trained, we're supposed to find the first 1000 humans to take the test, people who will just sail right through it so we can build confidence in the system. So what are the criteria? Should it be people with the highest point totals or overcame the greatest hardships?
- Jason Mendoza: I think we should just start with the gimmes - the very best people who ever lived. So Evel Knievel, Kool-Aid Man, Mini-Me, DJ Jazzy Jeff, a genie so we can wish for infinity people...
- Chidi Anagonye: Jason...
- Jason Mendoza: Sure, throw me in there, too. Also Fat Bastard, the World's Most Interesting Man, Pikachu, Karate Kid, Wendy from Wendy's, Grumpy Cat, and the GPS lady that tells you where to drive.
- [sighs]
- Jason Mendoza: Feels like a good stopping point. Let's call it a day, come back fresh tomorrow. Great job, everyone.
- Jason Mendoza: What's going on, dog? I know you're upset. You have a tell.
- Chidi Anagonye: I do?
- Jason Mendoza: Yeah, you telled Eleanor before that you were upset, and I think you still are.
- Megan: Why do we need a new system? Torture works. It's the way it's always been done.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: With all due respect, "It's the way it's always been done" is an excuse that's been used for hundreds of years to justify racism, misogyny...
- Steve: Exactly. See? This chick gets it.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: They don't seem very enthused. This may be a tougher challenge than I thought, like when I tried to teach Taylor Swift how to dance.
- [sigh]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: The longest four years of my life.
- Megan: Anything?
- Steve: Nope. Nobody knows squat.
- Megan: What the Here is going on? We haven't had any new humans to torture in, like, a week. I miss it.
- Steve: I know. I got so desperate this morning, I tried flattening an eggplant. It's just not the same.
- Bad Janet: Hey, skin tags. Special meeting.
- Steve: About what?
- Megan: I don't know. Probably your dad's stinky sack.
- Steve: [They all laugh] I hope it's not more sexual harassment training. We just did that, and I'm already so good at it.
- [with Michael's support, Vicky has successfully implemented the new system into his afterlife project]
- Janet: [to Michael] You got the rock up the hill. And it looks like it's gonna stay there. Now we just have to find your next rock.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I can't risk it. What if we spend half of eternity together and then you find out something that does change the way you feel about me and then you resent me for wasting half your eternity? No, it's better we just rip the Band-Aid off, and you read about all the bad stuff now when we're hot and heavy.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay. I'll read your file. Can I finish reading about Oskar Schindler first?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: THAT'S who I got to follow? The list guy? You and I are so screwed, dude.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: I can't argue with you on that one, but I love you. There is no one else I want to be with, at least not forever. I mean, if Frida Kahlo wants to make out with me in Heaven, then you and I are gonna have a conversation, but if you read my file and you're good, then we're good, unless there's something in your file that would freak me out, like you kept out a library book past the due date.
- Chidi Anagonye: I moved, and it got buried in the bottom of a box. I put the library in my will to make up for it.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Relax.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Well, the first bunch of Neighborhoods is up and running. What now?
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [Bright chime] That's the sound when someone gets into the Good Place.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Who was it? Prince? It's got to be Prince. Honestly, if it wasn't Prince, this whole thing is screwed up, and we got to start over.
- Chidi Anagonye: Looking at Eleanor's life made me realize how different we are. If the system works and we both pass our tests, I don't see any version of eternity where she doesn't get bored of me. I mean, my fake heaven was a 600-square-foot apartment that was essentially a bookcase and a toilet, and I loved it.
- Jason Mendoza: So what? It's cool that you guys are so different. Sometimes two people who have nothing in common get together, and it rules. Opposites attract.
- Chidi Anagonye: Well, you need that to be true because you're dating Janet. Ultimate opposites.
- Jason Mendoza: So, what, are you saying Janet might get bored of me?
- Chidi Anagonye: No, that's not--I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean...
- Jason Mendoza: Man...
- [He wanders away in a stupor]
- Chidi Anagonye: Oh, no. No, Jason, come back.
- [sigh]
- Chidi Anagonye: I wish I were back in my toilet library.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: [to Michael] It's obvious what's going on here. You don't want your nemesis to be the one to solve your problem.
- Janet: I know that feeling. Once, on Earth, I didn't know something, and I had to ask Alexa. I felt dirty.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: [after Chidi read Eleanor's file] Oh, no. I knew it. You hate me now. What did it? The time I was subpoenaed by the Make-A-Wish Foundation?
- Chidi Anagonye: No.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Oh, I know what it was. In my defense, I didn't realize he was my boyfriend's twin until halfway into hooking up with him, and at that point, you know, it's a sunk cost.
- Michael: Take a seat. Janet'll give you Tahani's file.
- Vicky: Oh, no, I don't I don't need her file. I know Tahani very well self-obsessed, family issues, way too into being tall.
- Tahani Al-Jamil: Typical Vicky, throwing shade. But it doesn't matter 'cause I'm casting it. Because I'm closer to the Sun.
- [pauses, grinning]
- Tahani Al-Jamil: I'm tall.
- Chidi Anagonye: I don't need to read your file. I know you, and I love you. And I can't wait to spend eternity with you. I mean, obviously, we have a lot of work to do here, and then we both have to pass the test, but eventually we're gonna be together forever...
- Eleanor Shellstrop: You have to read my file right now!
- Chidi Anagonye: What? I'm confused. Is this a game?
- [He leans in]
- Chidi Anagonye: Is it a sex game somehow?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: We're in love, and everything's great, and if we want to keep it that way, you have to promise to never, ever, ever read my file.
- Chidi Anagonye: Okay. If you don't want me to, then of course I won't, but nothing in there could ever change how I feel about you.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Eh, you say that now, but you don't know what I did on Halloween 2013.
- Chidi Anagonye: What did you do on Halloween 2013?
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Oh, I don't remember, but it must've been bad, because the next morning, I woke up in a large Rubbermaid container in some family's basement, and I had barfed all over their old photo albums.
- [Chidi cringes]
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Yeah, see, that's the look we're trying to avoid here, bud.