Love American Style (TV Movie 1999) - Steven Eckholdt as Guy (segment "Love And The Blind Date")

Wendy : Do you think it's funny, watching a woman soaked and sucking vodka from a straw?

Guy : Well, when you add the running mascara and the slurpee noise, yeah, it's kinda funny!
Guy : Wow, almost made you laugh.

Wendy : No you didn't. I was almost laughing at something I heard the other day.

Guy : Oh, yeah? So what is it? I like to laugh.

Wendy : In the middle of the night, this man thought that he was drinking water, but he accidentally drank battery acid and died.

Guy : That is funny! That reminds me of this funny story I heard about this woman who found her husband in bed with another woman and shot herself.
Guy : She became silently enraged the day she realized that she'd be judged by her looks for the rest of her life. It didn't matter that she was smart, did it? Boys don't care about that. Boys want long legs and smooth hair and big, round... eyes. She wants love so bad. Why isn't a great brain and a mediocre personality enough?
Wendy : You wanna know why you're all so threatened? Because we literally don't need you anymore. We can go to the sperm bank and impregnate ourselves. We can make our own money. And I haven't met a man yet with the uncomplaining fortitude of my favorite appliance. Face it, you're obsolete, the whole lot of you!

Guy : Yeah, but who's gonna put their arms around you when you've had a bad day - like today?

Steven Eckholdt: Guy (segment "Love And The Blind Date")