- Trent Crimm: Ted. What you're doing is irresponsible. This club actually means something to this town.
- Ted Lasso: I know that. I do. Trent, what do you love? Is it writing?
- Trent Crimm: Yes.
- Ted Lasso: Yeah. Well, good, 'cause you're darn good at it.
- Trent Crimm: Thank you.
- Ted Lasso: You're welcome. Me? I love coaching. Now, I'm gonna say this again just so you didn't think it was a mistake the first time I said it. For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It's about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field. And it ain't always easy, Trent, but neither is growing up without someone believing in you.
- Rebecca Welton: So I spoke to the owner of The Sun.
- Ted Lasso: You spoke to God?
- Rebecca Welton: No, the newspaper.
- Ted Lasso: Oh, right.
- Keeley Jones: When this shit hits, Jamie is going to go mental. There's going to be photographers all over us.
- Ted Lasso: Right, right.
- Keeley Jones: The next picture of me will not be this perfect. I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like...
- [mimes sneezing]
- Keeley Jones: Guess what the headline will be.
- Ted Lasso: Gesundheit?
- Keeley Jones: "Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart."
- Ted Lasso: Did you just come up with that?
- Keeley Jones: Yeah.
- Ted Lasso: Everyone would read that.
- Keeley Jones: Of course they would! I mean, you have no idea the power of rhyming in this goddamn country.
- Ted Lasso: Yeah.
- Keeley Jones: Ooh! "Lasso Makes Passo and Creates Team Fiasco."
- Ted Lasso: Whoa, Keeley's got bars!
- Keeley Jones: Yeah, I'm cute as a button and I can rhyme my ass off. God, it's no wonder they want to destroy me!
- Ted Lasso: Hey, Trent! You know who you remind me of right now?
- Trent Crimm: No. Who?
- Ted Lasso: One of them robot vacuums. Just kinda wandering around looking for dirt.
- Coach Beard: Roomba.
- Ted Lasso: That's the one.
- Ted Lasso: This woman right here is strong, confident and powerful.
- [Rebecca flexes her muscles]
- Ted Lasso: Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you and Michelle Obama arm wrestle, but I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off it either.
- Rebecca Welton: Oh. That's not a compliment I've had before.
- Keeley Jones: Yeah, you do have perfect action figure-y arms.
- Rebecca Welton: There's another one.
- Trent Crimm: His coaching style is subtle, it never hits you over the head, slowly growing until you can no longer ignore its presence. Whether that means allowing followers to become leaders, or in a show of respect, eating food so spicy it's sure to wreck massive havoc on his intestinal system. And though I believe this Ted Lasso will fail here and Richmond will suffer the embarrassment of relegation, I won't gloat when it happens, because I can't help but root for him.
- Roy Kent: I mean what even is a Wrinkle in Time?
- Trent Crimm: It's a lovely novel, it's the story of a young girl's struggle with the burden of leadership as she journeys thru space.
- Roy Kent: Am I supposed to be the little girl?
- Ted Lasso: I'd like you to be.
- Keeley Jones: [Roy exits the clubhouse shirtless. Keeley wolf whistles] You look like you've forgotten something.
- Roy Kent: Hi, Keeley. I'm looking for your prick boyfriend. You know how to pick 'em, don't ya?
- Keeley Jones: Um, didn't your last girlfriend, like, steal your Rolex and sell it for drug money?
- Roy Kent: So? I don't need a phone and a watch. Look, I didn't sign up to be your boyfriend's minder, okay? But the new gaffer's trying to make me feel responsible for fucking Nate, whose last name I don't even know.
- Keeley Jones: It's Barnes.
- Roy Kent: No. It's Shelley.
- Keeley Jones: Yeah, I know.
- Roy Kent: I don't like being tricked.
- Roy Kent: I don't like being tricked. Not by you and not by
- [doing a terrible Ted Lasso impression]
- Roy Kent: "Howdy y'all, cowboys. My name is Ted Lasso and I'm from Kansas." Pow-pow-pow-pow.
- [doing finger guns in the air]
- Keeley Jones: Wow, you're like really, really bad at impressions, man.
- Roy Kent: I know he's trying to push my buttons, but I. Cannot. Be. Manipulated.
- Keeley Jones: Come on. I could push all of your buttons right now if I wanted to.
- Roy Kent: No, you couldn't actually, Keeley...
- Keeley Jones: [cross-talk over him] I think actually I could...
- Roy Kent: You couldn't, Keeley...
- Keeley Jones: [over him] I'm sorry, what was that...?
- Roy Kent: No, Keeley...
- Keeley Jones: [interrupting] I can't seem to hear you...
- Roy Kent: You are, Keeley, if you would listen to me...
- Keeley Jones: [over him] I'm trying to listen to you...
- Roy Kent: ...just listen, I could tell you why...
- Keeley Jones: [over him] So tell me.
- [he stops]
- Keeley Jones: Is that making you mad?
- Roy Kent: [restrained fury, whispers] No.
- Keeley Jones: [whispers] No.
- [she starts to go then turns back doing a spot-on imitation]
- Keeley Jones: "I'm Roy Kent and I get paid to play a game, but I'm mad all the time. Grrr."
- [she giggles and leaves]
- Roy Kent: That's actually pretty good.
- Keeley Jones: This was gonna be the front page of The Sun today.
- [Shows Ted the photo]
- Keeley Jones: "Manager Shags Star Player's Girlfriend."
- Ted Lasso: I think a more accurate headline would be, "Manager Innocently Feeds Young Woman Whose Relationship Does Not Define Her."
- Ted Lasso: Hey, Jamie, you gotta sell that run-through hard, baby. Make the defense believe you. Watch, like this: Ball! Ball! Give me the ball! I want the ball! Give me the ball! I would like the ball, please! You know, make it a performance. I want you winning an Oscar at the ESPYs next year.