- Leonard Hofstadter: We have to do this.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.
- Penny: [picking out clothes from Leonard's closet] Okay. Well, let's just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these...
- Leonard Hofstadter: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
- Penny: No, this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity; you won't be helping anyone.
- [after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl]
- Howard Wolowitz: You won't believe it.
- Raj Koothrappali: Someone got the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, who would do that?
- Howard Wolowitz: That would be me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What is this letter doing in the trash?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, it may be that a trashcan spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor suggests that someone threw it away.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You can not blow up my head with your mind.
- Sheldon Cooper: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
- Penny: What is this?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that is the bottled city of Kandor.
- Penny: Uh-huh.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You see, Kandor was the capital city of Krypton, until it was shrunk by Braniac before Krypton was destroyed. It was then rescued by Superman.
- Penny: Oh. It's nice.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
- Penny: Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"?
- Howard Wolowitz: Uh-oh, here comes "the talk".
- Sheldon Cooper: Was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You are not Isaac Newton.
- Sheldon Cooper: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
- Sheldon Cooper: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
- Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
- Raj Koothrappali: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.
- Sheldon Cooper: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
- Penny: [as Sheldon and Leonard fight] Is this usually how these physics things go?
- Howard Wolowitz: More often than you'd think.
- Howard Wolowitz: I just checked the house, there must be twenty, twenty-five people in there.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wow.
- Penny: Is that good?
- Leonard Hofstadter: In physics, twenty-five is Woodstock.
- Howard Wolowitz: Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this
- [clicks mouse, lamp switches on]
- Howard Wolowitz: lamp.
- [the others cheer and clap]
- Howard Wolowitz: .
- Penny: [At their mailboxes] . Get anything good?
- Sheldon Cooper: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
- Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.
- [Sheldon looks confused]
- Penny: It was a joke.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? I am tired of your condescension. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven, like you. Maybe I got my doctorate when I was twenty-four instead of sixteen. But you are not the only person who is smarter than everybody else in this room!
- [Sheldon nods pointedly at the audience]
- Leonard Hofstadter: No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
- Sheldon Cooper: So you admit you're an egotist?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yes!
- [turning to the audience]
- Leonard Hofstadter: My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all of my self-esteem from strangers like you. But *he's worse*!
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm the lead author.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
- Sheldon Cooper: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
- Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't need proving.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
- Sheldon Cooper: They're not supposed to, but they should.
- Leonard Hofstadter: See?
- Penny: No.
- Sheldon Cooper: Someone in Sichuan province, China, is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
- Penny: Oh, that's handy. Here's a question... Why?
- Boys together: Because we can.
- Sheldon Cooper: I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
- Penny: Wait, what?
- Sheldon Cooper: I couldn't poop this morning.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Hang on. Do you not realize what we just did?
- Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, no, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
- Penny: Ohhhh. You know, you can just get one of those universal remotes from Radio Shack. They're really cheap.
- Penny: Oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.
- Penny: If you mean it should end up in the same place, then I agree.