- Self - Host: 46% of the country looked at this...
- [a clip of Donald Trump mocking a disabled reporter is shown]
- Self - Host: ...and said "I want that guy picking the Supreme Court." We will never understand a brain that thinks like that, and they will never understand worrying about gluten all the time. Or a Puerto Rican Alexander Hamilton. That's how you get two completely different headlines about the same thing. "Jim Jordan destroys Dems' star witness". "Room erupts in laughter as Democrat Peter Welch destroys Jim Jordan." We're so divided, it's no longer enough to just make a point; you have to destroy. You have to own people. Except the person who gets "owned" doesn't change their mind. They just make a mental note never to interact again with DM_Me_Your_Titties.
- [laughter as said Internet username is shown]
- Self - Host: We have to drop this fantasy that we can destroy the other side, or crush or shred or pulverize them. Those aren't real things. They're the middle four settings on the blender that no one has ever used.
- Self - Host: We are going to have to learn to live with each other, or there will be blood. So don't freak out if Ellen sits next to George Bush at a football game. Bush was not my idea of a good president, but I never worried that he was going to lock up his political opponents, or reporters, or me.
- [murmurs of agreement and applause]
- Self - Host: Bush was wrong, but he wasn't trying to enrich George Bush. He condemned Islamophobia after 9/11, and he did a lot for AIDS in African countries without calling them shitholes. He risked Dick Cheney's friendship because he wouldn't pardon Scooter Libby. 'Cause it wasn't always just about loyalty. He stood with Obama when Obama took his job and he said "We want you to succeed." If you can't see the difference between that and Trump, Democrats are doomed.
- [applause]
- Self - Host: Michelle Obama gets it; she hugs him. Ruth Bader Ginsburg likes Brett Kavanaugh. For a country that loves to look at pictures of entirely different species getting along, can't we try it in politics?
- Self - Host: America is a big country, filled with millions of people who don't think the way you do and never will. And you can't own, vanquish, or disappear them. We're stuck with them and they're stuck with us. They're here, they're annoying, get used to it.
- [applause]
- Self - Host: Because... because the pendulum always swings back. Even when we had a Civil War, and physically owned the South, literally burnt their cities to the ground and occupied their territory, Reconstruction only lasted for twelve years, before the "mint julep" crowd took over again, and Jim Crow, the KKK, and sharecropping became slavery 2.0. We tried to own the Germans after World War I, and that just got us World War II. Now, lately, we've been hearing more and more about a second Civil War, which sounds impossible in this modern affluent country; it is not. We all talk about Trump as an existential threat, but his side sees Democratic control of government the exact same way. And when both sides believe the other guy taking over means the end of the world, yes, you can have a civil war. Trump rallies are filled with words like "enemies of the people", "human scum". They talk of people to be locked up. Well, you can't lock us all up. Liberals are described as weak, lame, coddling, oversensitive, and limp-dicked.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Which are strong words for a bunch of mouth-breathers, shit-kickers, knuckle-draggers...
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: ...Bible-thumpers, sister fuckers, and rubes.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Yes, I have been guilty of saying things like that, but I'm gonna try to stop, because I've learned that the anti-intellectualism on the right doesn't come primarily from stupidity; it comes from hate. Telling people you think they're irredeemable is what makes them say "You know what? I'd rather side with Russia than you." Even if the Democrats win everything in 2020, the Republicans will still be here; they're not gonna self-deport.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: They're in Congress, in your office, sometimes your home. Home is where you learn that the three magic words in any relationship aren't "I love you", they're "let it go."
- [applause]
- Self - Host: Let it go. You can't...
- [clearing his throat]
- Self - Host: You can't "own" your spouse, you sometimes just have to make peace with the fact that you're married to someone who believes in ghosts.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Or won't throw out their baseball cards, or thinks essential oils are essential.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Or, yes, likes Donald Trump.
- Self - Host: And finally, new rule: this year, just celebrate Thanksgiving, don't try to win it. And never forget the single, shining truth about democracy: it means sharing a country with assholes you can't stand.
- [laughter and applause]
- Self - Host: In that way, it's a lot like Thanksgiving. You don't get to choose the guests, because those freaks are your family.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: Think about that the next time you think you can "own" someone politically. Think about how you can see politics so differently from people who share your very blood. We have to accept something about people: half of them have their taste in their ass.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: They eat sweet potatoes with marshmallows. They wear matching family outfits, and put nuts on their truck.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: They laugh at Jeff Dunham.
- [laughter]
- Self - Host: We laugh at Lena Dunham.