- Alan Harper: [a hooker says, "Hi, Alan!". Evelyn burns him a look] Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with lipstick on his dipstick.
- Evelyn Harper: Ugh! What is that? Non-dairy creamer? Just take me to the Green Mile and be done with it.
- Wes Tosterone: It's all we got.
- Evelyn Harper: Oh, please! All these cops around, one of them can't make a Starbucks run?
- Evelyn Harper: There was lipstick on his hoo-hoo.
- Wes Tosterone: Your lipstick?
- Evelyn Harper: Oh, God, no. I'd rather drink your coffee.
- Wes Tosterone: So, he was with another woman.
- Evelyn Harper: Not necessarily.
- Wes Tosterone: Do you have another theory for where the lipstick came from?
- Evelyn Harper: Have you ruled out clowns? You should check for really big footprints.
- Jenna: So, are you a friend of the bride or the groom?
- Alan Harper: Well, the bride is my mother, so... the groom.
- Sloane Jagov: [checking the crime scene, a.k.a. Charlie's bedroom, for semen with a special light] My... God!
- Wes Tosterone: It's like a Jackson Pollock painting!
- Charlie Harper: The ceiling fan is actually a cute story.
- Berta: You can't blame him. You gotta figure that boinking Evelyn is like riding a bicycle over train tracks. You'll get where you're going, but you're gonna feel every bump.
- Charlie Harper: I can't believe it! She used me! She conned me! She took my money! Hey, Courtney!
- Courtney: What?
- Charlie Harper: I'll wait for you!
- Charlie Harper: You keep rubbing up against me, I'll be able to catch my mother's garter without my hands.
- Berta: I'm warning you, coffee tends to shoot through me. So, if you've got a cavity search planned, you better do it pretty quick.
- Wes Tosterone: We don't need to do a cavity search.
- Berta: Can I request one?
- Wes Tosterone: What do you know about Teddy Leopold?
- Berta: I know he was hot for me. He was always flirting.
- Evelyn Harper: Jake, how many times do I have to tell you? Do not eat the cake until they cut it!
- Jake Harper: But, I'm hungry! What am I supposed to do?
- Evelyn Harper: Eat some cheese.
- Jake Harper: So, I can cut the cheese? Get it?