Family Guy (TV Series)

The Former Life of Brian (2008)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Cowardly Lion, Monty Python Voiceover

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

  Peter Griffin : You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

  Lois Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : What?

• Peter : [Dylan walks in and smashes a vase of flowers against the wall]  Something on your mind, son?

  Dylan : Shut up! You're just a fat old bastard!

  Peter : Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard.

  [laughs while moving his head up and down] 

• Stewie Griffin : How can you have a 13-year-old son when you're only 7?

  Brian Griffin : Those are dog years.

  Stewie Griffin : That doesn't make any sense.

  Brian Griffin : You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it, go on the internet and complain.

• Stewie Griffin : [to Brian when he becomes a magician to impress a girl]  You need more than that. You need an act. Listen, I'll be your assistant and we'll put on a whole big show.

  Brian Griffin : Really?

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah. We'll do all the great tricks. You can even split me in half.

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie Griffin : Saw me in half.

• Tracy : Brian, this is Dylan. He's your son.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, no way! Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!

• Peter Griffin : Hey Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a car wreck?

  Brian Griffin : Oh my God. Oh my God. I don't even want to think about. No. Knock on wood. Knock on wood. Knock on wood.

  Glen Quagmire : I can imagine that'd be pretty tough.

  Brian Griffin : No, no, no Quagmire. Until you have a child. Until you have a child you can't possibly understand.

  Joe Swanson : Listen Brian, there's a difference between being cautious and being over protective.

  Brian Griffin : That is a dad talking. That is a dad talking Quagmire. You're right you can't hold your kids back. It's like I say, you have to give your child both roots and wings.

  Cleveland : Brian, I want to punch you in the dick right now.

• Brian Griffin : [to Lois]  Don't worry. I got it under control, Lois. I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.

  [listens to conversation over monitor] 

  Stewie Griffin : Hey, Dylan? Hey, come on in here for a sec.

  Dylan : Stewie, why are you nude?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here called a "naked tea party." Got my teacup here and now all I need is a teabag. That something that interest you, my friend?

  Dylan : You're weird.

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, and you're attractive. Now take your fucking pants off!

  Dylan : I'm out of here.

  Stewie Griffin : Huh, did you see that, Rupert? "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds" starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

• Dylan : Knock-knock.

  Brian Griffin : Who's there?

  Dylan : You're there.

  Brian Griffin : I'll always be there, Dylan.

• Brian Griffin : Gosh, this is a... lovely home, Tracy.

  Stewie Griffin : That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

• Tracy : There's someone I've wanted you to meet for years.

  Stewie Griffin : By the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamisil monster!