- Charlie Harper: What are you guys talking about?
- Dr. Herb Melnick: Masturbating at the YMCA.
- Charlie Harper: Really? Just talk, right?
- Alan Harper: Yeah, but the night is young.
- Charlie Harper: Sure you don't want a drink?
- Alan Harper: Drinking alcohol just makes me depressed.
- Charlie Harper: See, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.
- Chelsea: Can you explain this, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: I'd love to.
- Chelsea: I'm waiting.
- Charlie Harper: I can't. That's why I said I'd love to.
- Charlie Harper: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go!
- Alan Harper: [to Melissa, over the phone] Don't hang up!
- Charlie Harper, Alan Harper: I love you!
- [Both look at each other]
- Berta: And I love you, too.
- Dr. Herb Melnick: I could get used to this.
- Charlie Harper: Don't.
- Alan Harper: As far as Charlie's concerned, "mi casa es mi casa".