- Chuck Bass: I'm sorry. I screwed up.
- Blair Waldorf: It's too late, Chuck. I stood by you through all of this but I can't watch you self-destruct any longer.
- Blair Waldorf: [to Chuck] I believed in you. Your father believed in you. You're the only one that didn't. All I wanted to do is just be there but today when you called me your wife, you made it sound like the ugliest word in the world.
- Albert: Charles, Mr. Bass asked me to give you this letter.
- Chuck Bass: If I don't read it do I still get my inheritance?
- Albert: Well, yes...
- Chuck Bass: Then I'll pass.
- Jack Bass: Chuck, this letter represents your dad's final words.
- Blair Waldorf: Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it!
- Nate Archibald: Yeah, aren't you curious to know what it says?
- Chuck Bass: I think I can guess. "You're a disappointment of a son, I'd die of embarrassment if I wasn't already. Why do you wear so much purple?"
- Gossip Girl: [voice-over] Hold on to your floppy cable-knit hats, kids. Lonely Boy's secret is out and this one's a doozie. D wasn't cheating, but there's definitely a third party involved. Seems D and S share a sibling. While I'm always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn't share DNA.
- Serena van der Woodsen: [reads Gossip Girl on Blair's phone] Nothing yet on Lonely Boy though we did find out he brown-bags it for lunch and today's plat du jour, a tuna sandwich. Disgusting but not enough for a conviction. Keep digging, kiddies.
- Blair Waldorf: Tuna fish? Why does he make it so hard for himself?
- [last lines]
- Gossip Girl: [voice-over] The problem with inheritance is that it's not always as simple as it sounds. Sometimes you get more than you bargained for or you discover that in gaining one thing, you've lost something else. But every once in a while, the fates smile upon you, and you get the one thing you really need. XOXO. Gossip Girl.
- Blair Waldorf: [sees Gossip Girl is keeping tabs on Dan] Blair, who did this?
- [spots the grinning trio]
- Blair Waldorf: Ugh, I see they act alone now.
- Blair Waldorf: It's so hard finding obedient minions.
- Nelly Yuki: We should at least tell Blair.
- Isabel Coates: We can't. Blair's with Chuck... again.
- Penelope: I'm really getting sick of how much time she's spending with him.
- Isabel Coates: Give them a break. His dad just died.
- Penelope: Yeah, like a month ago. Who cares? Someone should tell him to get over it.
- Gossip Girl: [voice-over] When most people lose a parent, they inherit sorrow, loss and a closet full of outdated clothes. But on the Upper East Side, death's sad chapter comes with a silver lining, or a gold one, if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals.
- Jenny Humphrey: [to Jonathan and Eric] Aw, did you guys know that you have matching backpacks? It's so cute. Aw.
- Gossip Girl: [voice-over] Is lowly Lonely Boy cheating on our queen? Sound unlikely? Does the name Georgina ring a bell? Get out your shovels and start digging the dirt, kids. Gossip Girl's gonna need a little help getting to the bottom of this mess.
- Blair Waldorf: [to Serena] Apparently, Gossip Girl is looking for evidence that Dan's cheating on you. Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey. No offense.
- Vanessa Abrams: Hey, I'm thinking one pink can of gummy worms and another of Swedish fish.
- Dan Humphrey: Is this how you and Nate want to celebrate two months of dating? With all things gummy?
- Penelope: [to Nelly] You stole Dan Humphrey's phone? Not bad, Nelly, at this rate you'll be off probation before your second marriage.
- Chuck Bass: Look, I owe you a lot, Jack, you saved my life when I didn't wanna be saved.
- Jack Bass: Well... you noticed that Thai waitress I was gonna take home the other night had a penis... so, consider us even.
- Jack Bass: I owe you an apology, the fact is you're Bart's son, and it is your rightful place.
- Chuck Bass: Your blessing means a lot to me.
- Jack Bass: Good, now before we start spooning I wanna take you out tonight to properly celebrate.
- Chuck Bass: I'm having dinner with Blair.
- Jack Bass: Reschedule Blair.
- Chuck Bass: I can't. She's been a good friend to me.
- Jack Bass: Yeah, I saw you two talking this morning, last time I had a friend like that... I wind up with gonorrhea.
- Blair Waldorf: [reading letter Bart left in his will] "Dear son, I know I've always been hard on you..."
- Chuck Bass: True.
- Blair Waldorf: "... but my goal was always to prepare you for this day. To help you go from being a boy to a man."
- Chuck Bass: The Italian au pair took care of that.
- Blair Waldorf: Chuck, please!
- Serena van der Woodsen: Are you sure this is the best time for a flare-up of Chuck fever?
- Blair Waldorf: I'm having no such thing! We're just friends. He's gone through a lot, and he needs someone to be there. Anyway, you're the one who told me to help him out in the first place.
- Serena van der Woodsen: [found out the family secret] This can't be true. I need you to tell me this isn't true.
- [Dan just looks at her in silence]
- Serena van der Woodsen: And you knew.
- Blair Waldorf: How could you?
- [shakes her head at his unkempt state]
- Chuck Bass: Did you do all this?
- Blair Waldorf: What?
- [shakes her head]
- Blair Waldorf: Throw you a brunch? Try to do something nice, supportive? Yes!
- Chuck Bass: I don't need your help. Stop trying to play the wife!
- Blair Waldorf: [to Serena, who reacts to Blair's 'rescheduled' date with Chuck] Spare me the expressive eyebrows. I can't wait till you get on Botox.