Show Me the Wild! (2006 Video Game)

John O'Hurley: Lance Roberts

Quotes 

• Lance Roberts : [introduction #1]  Welcome to another episode of "Show Me The Wild!". You need brains and brawn to play our game. A pretty face just won't cut it. And speaking of pretty faces, a big hand for my assistant, Tanya.

  Tanya : Hi. We have 12 stages, lots of fun questions and challenges, and a great show lined up for you

  Lance Roberts : Oh, yes, Tanya, we sure do, adventure, excitement, and - as an added bonus - me! Ok, hold on to your ripcord and... Show Me The Wild!

• Lance Roberts : [introduction #2]  Thank you, thank you, and welcome to the show where you, the contestant, try to copy some of my many, many, many heroic adventures, but right now...

  [chuckles] 

  Lance Roberts : ... let's begin by saying hello to my personal assistant, who gets to spend every minute of every working day with yours truly, the lucky Tanya.

  Tanya : Okay, you know the drill - 12 stages, first one to finish wins! Have a good game!

  Lance Roberts : And now, join me as we journey over the horizon into the very spirit of adventure on... "Show Me The Wild!"

• Lance Roberts : [introduction #3]  Hello, everyone, and welcome to "Show Me The Wild!", the reality show that asks the question, "How are my survivor skills?" and "How much do I really know about animals?" Well, actually tha-- that's two questions, but-- but never mind. Alright, let's start off with a big hand for my assistant, Tanya.

  Tanya : Hi, everybody! Our game has 12 challenging stages. First one to finish wins. You ready, Lance?

  Lance Roberts : Oh, Tanya, I am as ready as a nearsighted cobra waiting to pounce on the artificial yum-yum tree.

  [Tanya shrugs] 

  Lance Roberts : Ok, are you ready? It's time to play... "Show Me The Wild!"

• Lance Roberts : [ending #1]  The end of every journey is a time for reflection. A time to look back, and a time to look ahead. Well, we've come to the end of our journey for now. I'm Lance Roberts, and don't show me the ordinary. Show me... the wild!

  Director : [in background]  We're clear.

  [it reverts to a blue-screen wall, as the studio men extinguish the torches, and remove the scenery] 

  Lance Roberts : [getting up]  Oh-kay then! Who's up for ribs? Yesiree, I've got a hankering that only a good thick crack of juicy barbeque ribs will solve.

  [the gaffer begins shutting down the lights] 

  Lance Roberts : A regular pink picking.

  [soon, he is alone, in darkness, with only the blue-screen providing any light in the room at all] 

  Lance Roberts : Who needs a ride? I've got room for 4.

  [sound of cars starting is heard] 

  Lance Roberts : You all changed plans? I'm flexible.

  [sound of cars driving away is heard] 

  Lance Roberts : Alrighty then.

  [a beat] 

  Lance Roberts : Solitude - the crucible which transforms a land so. Silence - true friend that never betrays. Seclusion - at respite from a cacophony of chaotic times. And peace - are the calming waters that bring truth into our hearts...

  [fades to black] 

• Lance Roberts : [ending #2]  As the last dying embers of the day expire, and a wisp of moonlight is all that we have to guide us through the jungle foliage back to camp, we sleep with a sleep of the innocent, knowing that at the dawn, a new adventure awaits. I'm Lance Roberts, and remember, don't show me the ordinary. Show me... the wild!

  Director : [in background]  We're clear. Good show.

  [it reverts to a blue-screen wall] 

  Lance Roberts : Yes.

  [chuckles] 

  Lance Roberts : I was particularly good, wasn't I?

  [the gaffer begins putting out the torches behind him; Lance gets up and begins walking back-and-forth, following a few of the crew members separately] 

  Lance Roberts : You know, speaking of adventures, did I ever tell you about the time that I was standing knee-deep in the amber waters of the River Ganges, elbow-to-elbow with the fishwives of New Delhi, practicing the gentle art of river wandering? Oh-hoh... I was putting my spit-shine on a pair of baby-blue boxer shorts. It wasn't as much the wandering as it was the spiritual journey...

  [fades to black] 

• Lance Roberts : [ending #3]  As the sun sets over the Okavango Delta, an eerie hush settles over the ancient land and our travelers retire to the timeless comfort of their cook-fires, until a new day dawns, and other voyagers answer that primeval call. This is Lance Roberts and remember, don't show me the ordinary. Show me... the wild!

  Director : [in background]  Cut. Good show.

  [it reverts to a blue-screen wall, as the studio men extinguish the torches, and remove the scenery] 

  Lance Roberts : Thank you, thank you.

  [chuckles] 

  Lance Roberts : You know, did I ever tell you about the time that I saved Tenzing Norgay's life while I was on the summit of K2?

  [chuckles] 

  Lance Roberts : A snow leopard attacked us; Tenzing's belaying line SNAPPED as he fell down and the pitons were spitting out off the mountain like Chiclets.

  [the gaffer dims the lights, as they fade to black, leaving Lance alone, in darkness] 

  Lance Roberts : He was like a human yo-yo going up and down, and I did this perfect swan-dive right off the snow-covered cliff face and it caused an avalanche that stormed down on us WITH ALL THE FURY OF HELL ITSELF!

  [chuckles] 

  Lance Roberts : Oh, yes, there I...

  [fades out to black] 

• Lance Roberts : [ending #4]  The sound of the tribal drums at midnight, the sound of the howler monkeys at dawn, the sound of a jungle waterfall and a rainforest songbird. I'm Lance Roberts and remember, don't show me the ordinary. Show me... the wild!

  Director : [in background]  Cut. Good Show.

  Lance Roberts : Thank you.

  [Lance's cell phone rings; he picks it up] 

  Lance Roberts : Hello? Oh, yes, the African trip. What do you mean they don't have a 5-star hotel, where do they expect me to stay? Oh, no, you don't, no, no, no, no! No, no, you look at my contract, it says "5-star hotel", and that's where I'll be staying... well, then, you bring the bushmen to me, I'll be at the Hilton. I'll buy them one of those little umbrella drinks at Trader Vic's. Ah-ah-ah-ah, you're digitizing, I can't hear you!

  [hangs up, then gets up and someone takes off his camouflage jacket to reveal a black tuxedo underneath] 

  Lance Roberts : Can you believe that? Sleeping in a tiki hut outdoors.

  [tosses his camouflage jacket aside] 

  Lance Roberts : Where's my limo?

  [walks off the set; the screen fades to black] 

• Lance Roberts : [ending #5]  A giant panda frolicking in the Chinese mountain forest. A jaguar lapping up the last of a watering hole in the Brazilian Pantanal. The humpback whales...

  [moves his arm similarly to a wave] 

  Lance Roberts : ... whaling off the coast of Maui. I'm Lance Roberts and remember, don't show me the ordinary. Show me... The Wild!

  Director : [in background]  Cut. That's a wrap.

  [it reverts to a blue-screen wall] 

  Lance Roberts : Alright, everybody. Don't move.

  [he gets up, not looking remotely pleased] 

  Lance Roberts : It has come to my attention... that everybody is going out for burgers now, and I was not invited.

  [2-second beat] 

  Lance Roberts : ... again.

  [2-second beat] 

  Lance Roberts : I would like to know who organized this.

  [3-second beat] 

  Lance Roberts : I'm waiting.

  [5-second beat; the lights begin dimming] 

  Lance Roberts : Still waiting.

  [3-second beat; a wolf is heard howling in the distance, and the lights darken further] 

  Lance Roberts : I can wait here all night if I have to.

  [4-second beat; crickets are heard chirping, and by this point the lights have completely gone out, leaving Lance standing alone in total darkness, with only the torchlight providing any light at all] 

  Lance Roberts : I'll buy.

  [4-second beat; an owl is heard hooting] 

  Lance Roberts : I've got room for four.

  [5-second beat] 

  Lance Roberts : I promise I won't tell any stories!

  [3-second beat; the owl hoots again, and whatever light is left fades to black]