Sam (XI) (2017)

Natalie Knepp: Samantha

Quotes 

• Samantha : All right, pal, you're on!

  Alexander Blondell : OK, I can detect a pattern here. It's not pal, it's not dude, it's Mister Blondell. M-I-S-T-E-R B-L-O-N-D-E-L-L. Now put this on.

  Samantha : No, dude! I'm not wearing a tutu.

  Alexander Blondell : It is not a tutu. Now, put it on.

• Samantha : I'm sorry, are you trying to buy me off?

  Cynthia : I mean, you're obviously the type. You know, I mean, if it walks like a duck...

  Samantha : How would you like me to belt you in the mouth like a duck?

• Alexander Blondell : Look at yourself. What do you see?

  Samantha : I don't know, I see someone who should have left ten minutes ago?

• Cynthia : Oh, were you born yesterday?

  Samantha : Actually, about a month ago.

• Samantha : And if...

  Doc : Yeah?

  Samantha : ...if you weren't totally smitten with me.

  Doc : I'm smitten, huh?

  Samantha : Crazy in love.

  Doc : Wow, you're good.

  Samantha : The feeling's mutual, by the way.

• Samantha : Don't you think that I'm sick of this too? Hearing Alvin the Chipmunk coming out of my mouth every time I speak? Having this face staring back at me every morning?

  Doc : OK, relax. It's not such a bad face.

• Samantha : If you want it to work out with Stephen, I mean, really work out for the long haul, just be his friend, and everything will fall into place from there.

  Georgette : Wow, I really didn't expect that from you.

  Samantha : Yeah, neither did I.

• Doc : You know, we are going to look back at this and we're gonna l...

  Samantha : Oh God, you... smell... so... good!

  Doc : Em, that's... those are, it's just androgens. Those are pheromones and it's a chemical... what?

  Samantha : I'm getting the uncontrollable urge to... cuddle!

• Doc : And for the record, you don't sound like Alvin the Chipmunk.

  Samantha : I don't, really?

  Doc : Theodore, maybe.

• Samantha : I might be a few pounds lighter, but I can still catch a football.

  Doc : Sam, we don't play tackle football with women. End of discussion.

  Samantha : Dude, I still got the chops.

  Doc : Case closed.

  Samantha : [to herself]  Sexist pig.

  Doc : [offscreen]  I heard that!

• Samantha : And another thing. That promotion, it's going to Margaret.

  Seymour : Huh? It is?

  Samantha : Yeah. She earned it. Actually, she should have gotten it three years ago, but you and Sam were too busy stealing all of her ideas to give it to her.

• Doc : I know it's you, Sam... but you're different.

  Samantha : Good different?

  Doc : Not good. Amazing.

• Alexander Blondell : Oh, don't think of it as losing your Quasimodo posture... that hair! Think of it as gaining a new sense of style. Not to mention a new arsenal in the war between the sexes.

  Samantha : My sexes are warring enough.

• Samantha : Doc, we're dudes. We fight, get drunk, and then make up.

  Doc : We are not dudes, Sam! Only one of us is a dude! That's the problem.

• Samantha : Us girls have to stick together.

• Doc : So what's it like?

  Samantha : What's what like?

  Doc : Being a woman.

  Samantha : It's, em, it's like someone added 27 frequencies to my radio dial.

  Doc : Which means?

  Samantha : Which means, when I walk into a room, I pretty much know what's going on with everybody.

• Cynthia : When you change your mind, and you come begging, don't bother calling, OK? Because I'm changing my number.

  Samantha : Change your hairstyle while you're at it!

• Samantha : I understood what they said! I... Doc! I speak woman! Or is it womanese?

• Cynthia : Decent men, in this city, are few and far between. Decent, straight, unmarried ones are even rarer.

  Samantha : Oh, you forgot, "rich".

• Lou the Doorman : Good day, Miss Wellman!

  Samantha : Well, you know what they say, Lou. Every day above ground's a good one.

  Lou the Doorman : Ain't that the truth!

• Doc : May I have this dance?

  Samantha : Does a bear sh... of course you may.

• Doc : Were you really gonna belt her?

  Samantha : Hell, yeah!

  Doc : Spunky little thing, aren't you?

  Samantha : In a manner of speaking.

• Seymour : Come on, all women love makeovers, right?

  Samantha : I'm not all women, believe me.

• Samantha : You know about drugs and hormone therapy and all that. So, I don't know, maybe if I was a dude again then everything would just be OK. You know, maybe we could go back to being friends.

  Doc : You're serious.

  Samantha : As a heart attack.

• Samantha : Goddamit, Seymour!

  Seymour : What?

  Samantha : You're a frickin' octopus, you know that?

• Seymour : Do you know the first thing I notice about a woman?

  Samantha : Her ass?

  Seymour : Exac... no! Her eyes!

• Doc : Women have a completely different mind/body connection than men. Their arousal is more subtle, it's more intricate.

  Samantha : Which, translated from new age psychobabble, means what?

  Doc : They have to really like the person they're with to feel fully aroused. Let's face it, women are complicated.

  Samantha : Yeah, you're telling me.

• Margaret : He's a really great guy.

  Samantha : He was? Is?

  Margaret : Yeah. I... to tell you the truth, I have the worst crush on him.

  Samantha : And, em, why is that?

  Margaret : He played it like he didn't care about anyone special, but I know it was just an act. Deep down he has a really romantic heart. A girl can just see these things.

• Samantha : [Samantha is having her first period since being transformed into a woman. Doc gives her some tampons]  Well, what am I supposed to do with *these*?