Family Guy (TV Series)

The Man with Two Brians (2008)

Alex Borstein: Lois Griffin, Carol Alt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Lois Griffin : [comes out of a door with a bag of trash]  Peter, what are you...

  [sees that Peter is in a shopping cart on the roof held by Cleveland and Quagmire] 

  Lois Griffin : What are you boys doing up there? Get off the roof!

  Peter Griffin : Go back in the house, Lois! We're being Jackass! Okay, ready?

  Joe Swanson : All, right! We're rolling.

  Peter Griffin : Hi, I'm Peter Griffin and this is Shopping Cart... Roof... R... R-Roof... Roof Shop... Roof Shopping Cart, guys.

  [to Cleveland and Quagmire] 

  Peter Griffin : Okay, go!

  [Cleveland and Quagmire let go of the cart; Peter rolls down and lands badly] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow. Ow. Ow.

  [he gets up and his head is hanging upside down and four jagged bumps are visible under his skin; everyone groans in horror] 

  Cleveland : Oh, my God!

  Glen Quagmire : Oh, my God! Are you okay?

  Peter Griffin : I don't know! I don't... W-what does it look like? What do I do? What...

  [feels the bumps] 

  Peter Griffin : Aah! Aah! What is that? What is... I feel something!

  Joe Swanson : [still filming]  It's your spine, dude! It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches!

  Peter Griffin : I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm scared! I'm sca...

  [vomits on Brian] 

  Brian Griffin : Aah! Oh, God!

  Peter Griffin : Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

  Cleveland : Ice now, heat later.

• Meg Griffin , Peter Griffin , Chris Griffin , Lois Griffin : [New Brian has fallen asleep]  Aww!

  Peter Griffin : Look at him sleep.

  Meg Griffin : I wonder what he's dreaming about.

  Peter Griffin : Shut up Meg.

  New Brian : [toots quietly] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh! Did you hear that?

  Chris Griffin : He farted!

  Peter Griffin : Just like in the song!

  Brian Griffin : [He lets loose with a loud disgusting fart] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh! What the hell is wrong with you? Outside! Outside now!

• Brian Griffin : Everyone, I have an announcement to make. I've decided I'm leaving.

  Lois Griffin : What? Leaving? Brian, why?

  Brian Griffin : Well, you know, I feel like I've sort of run my course here, and, you know, besides, there's a whole big world out there and it's time I saw it.

  Peter Griffin : But, Brian, you live here. This is your home.

  Brian Griffin : I know, but I've thought about this long and hard, and...

  Peter Griffin : [giggling]  "Long and hard." I'm sorry, Brian, please, please continue.

  Brian Griffin : This is just something I have to do.

  Lois Griffin : Well, where will you go?

  Brian Griffin : Well, I haven't decided that yet, but I promise I'll be in touch.

  [Peter laughs] 

  Brian Griffin : Wait, how is that one dirty?

  Peter Griffin : It's... I was remembering "long and hard."

  Lois Griffin : Well, if your mind is made up about this, Brian, then I wish you the best of luck. I hope this move won't be a boner for you.

  [expecting a reaction from Peter] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter?

  Peter Griffin : Hmm? What?

  Lois Griffin : I was just saying to Brian I hope this move won't be a boner.

  Peter Griffin : I-I would agree. I hope he finds what he's looking for.

• New Brian : Hey, Brian, I went out for a run this morning and I found this stick. I thought you might like it.

  Brian Griffin : Wow. Thanks a lot.

  New Brian : [giving him a bag of weed]  And I got you some of this. I don't smoke it myself, but I sure won't judge you.

  Brian Griffin : Gosh, thanks.

  New Brian : Check you later, handsome guy.

  Brian Griffin : [Stewie comes in as New Brian leaves]  Well, you know, I wasn't sure about this new dog thing at first, but I got to tell you, he's a really terrific guy.

  Stewie Griffin : You poor, damn fool.

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie Griffin : You have no idea what's going on here. He's not just a delightful new friend for the family. He's your replacement.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, come on, that's ridiculous.

  Stewie Griffin : You're getting old, Brian, and they know it. You're no longer the cover girl. Look at Carol Alt. Th-That's what... y-you're Carol Alt.

  Brian Griffin : I'm through listening to you.

  Stewie Griffin : Fine. Think what you want, aging supermodel Carol Alt.

  Carol Alt's Husband : [cut to an apparently empty bedroom]  Carol, come in here! They're saying your name on the "Family Man"!

  Carol Alt : [sticking an ear trumpet out from under the bedsheets]  What?

  Carol Alt's Husband : Huh?

  Carol Alt : What?

  Carol Alt's Husband : Huh?

  Carol Alt : What?

  Carol Alt's Husband : I forget.

• Stewie Griffin : [Brian doesn't believe that Peter got New Brian to eventually replace him]  All the evidence is right in front of your nose.

  Peter Griffin : [laughing with New Brian as they come downstairs]  That's hilarious, New Brian. Now do your impression of Punky Brewster's father.

  New Brian : [lowering the pitch of his voice]  Punky.

  [Peter laughs] 

  New Brian : Oh, Punky!

  [Peter laughs again] 

  New Brian : Oh, Punky, you have a dog named Brandon.

  [Peter laughs again as they leave] 

  Stewie Griffin : [to Brian]  Hi. I'm Carol Alt for Poli-grip.

  Carol Alt's Husband : [cutaway]  They did it again!

  Carol Alt : Who?

  Carol Alt's Husband : The Family Man.

  Carol Alt : Is that the one with the fish?

  Carol Alt's Husband : No, that's "American Boy".

• Lois Griffin : [Peter injures himself imitating "Jackass"]  You know, Peter, I'd expect this kind of behavior from you, but you have no business endangering Brian like that.

  Brian Griffin : Thank you, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : I mean, he jumped into that lake to try and save your life and he's eight years old, Peter. Eight! That's 56 in human years!

  Brian Griffin : Okay, Lois.

  Lois Griffin : I mean, why do you think he almost drowned? He's old, Peter. Plus, he drinks and he smokes all the time, so take that 56 and make it 79, at least!

  Brian Griffin : Why are you making such a big deal out of this, Lois? I was just a little tired.

  Lois Griffin : Yeah? Well, that's how it begins, Brian. Then the next thing you know, I'm making Peter dig a hole in the yard and you're in a pillowcase.

• Peter Griffin : [waking up to New Brian playing the flute]  My word, what a gorgeous way to wake up!

  New Brian : I hope you don't mind. I checked the time your alarm was set for and I shut it off. I figured this might be a more gentle way to start off the day.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, that is so thoughtful, New Brian.

  [he begins again, then stops as Peter touches the top of his head] 

  New Brian : [whispering]  I'll start up again in nine minutes.

• Brian Griffin : Okay, everybody, tonight I've got a real treat for you.

  Peter Griffin : We've all seen your compilation video, Brian; Shatner singing "Rocket Man", drunk Orson Welles doing that commercial, Sylvester Stallone in that porno, and Bill Cosby beating up that midget.

  Lois Griffin : Wait, I don't remember that last one.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, yeah, it's freakin' brutal. For no reason, you know? Poor little guy's just sittin' there eating his Snack Pak, Bill Cosby just runs in out of nowhere and just starts wailing on him.