- Quagmire: Hey guys, I want you to know I'm raising my reward to $50 for anyone who can help me find James; no questions asked.
- Peter Griffin: [taking the money] I killed your cat.
- [slams his door in Quagmire's face]
- Peter Griffin: [after the Griffins bail out Brian] Brian, If you don't mind, we'll start thinking about prison rape jokes immediately. I'll break the ice. Hey, Brian, did you do 'hard times' or 'hardly workin'?
- [pause]
- Peter Griffin: Penis.
- [another pause]
- Peter Griffin: Okay, all the pieces are there. Somebody make something out of it.
- Chris Griffin: Hey, Brian, who's your favorite baseball player? Albert POOHOLES?
- Lois Griffin: Chris, stop it! Come on. Brian, we're happy you're out of jail and when we get to the car, would you like a doughnut to sit on?
- [laughs out loud]
- Jack Nicholson: [in As Good As It Gets] All I'm saying is what if this is as good as it gets?
- Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] Ha! He said it.
- Superman: [in Superman 4] In order to do this, I must become Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
- Peter Griffin: [while watching the movie] So that's why this movie is called that.
- [Peter gives Carter a preview of their anti-pot ad]
- Carter Pewterschmidt: [ending a call on his cell phone] Aw, damn it. That was Fox News. Apparently they own the rights to Hitler's likeness, and they won't have him slandered.
- [Brian has to take a drug test but has just smoked pot]
- Brian Griffin: Quick, Stewie! I need your urine!
- Stewie Griffin: [gasps, ecstatic] Really?
- Stewie Griffin: That is worse than the plot for Baby Mama.
- Announcer: What would happen when a 40 year-old woman put her eggs inside her 41 year-old friend?
- Brian Griffin: No, pot is illegal because William Randolph Hearst ran a smear campaign against marijuana in the 1930s to protect his interests in the timber industry because hemp was poised to replace wood as an inexpensive raw material for the manufacture of paper.