Pat Tanner: Pat

Quotes 

• Pat : This better not be another script for cyborg Chuck Norris versus the Lava People below the Earth's crust!

• Bob : Well it's either that or we talk about all the weapons we'd use in the zombie apocalypse.

  Timmy : Ooh, chainsaw in one hand, shotgun in the other.

  Jenkins : Oh God, not again!

  Newman : Like Beowulf, bare hands!

  Pat : [Calmly over the chaotic shouting]  You guys are not thinking realistically. You need a semi-automatic rifle, and a bludgeoning tool.

  Jenkins : God, not again.

  Timmy : Chainsaw. Shotgun.

  Madore : Chainsaws don't work.

  Timmy : Shotgun. Chainsaw.

  Madore : [Angrily shouts]  Chainsaws don't work!

  [Turns to Newman] 

  Madore : You stop it!

  Pat : My preference? Crowbar.

• Pat : College is about as helpful as lighting a wheelbarrow full of money on fire. If you want to earn a good job, you have to work for it. Maybe you forgot what working more than three months a year's like, but I sure haven't.

• Deirdre Boyle : Someone once said that sometimes it takes our best friends to tell us when we're screwing up, no matter how much we may not like it.

  Jenkins : [Skeptically]  Who said that?

  Deirdre Boyle : [Bracing herself]  Michael Moore on the French.

  Madore : I hate that guy.

  Pat : Everyone does.

• Madore : Now, as you can all see from the files I have prepared for each of you, S-Mart is planning on moving into their property today. This is the last day before S-Mart begins its groundbreaking, so this is our last chance to hit 'em where it hurts!

  [Dramatically] 

  Madore : In the balls. As you all know, the Red Triangle Circus is making its way through town on the train tracks to the Tri-Town Fair Grounds, not listed on the map.

  Pat : Why is it not on the map?

  Madore : [Angrily]  It's not important!

  [Recomposes self] 

  Madore : If this raid is performed successfully we can all live our lifelong dreams: letting circus elephants run amok through town.

  Bob : And what does this have to do with fighting the S-Mart?

  Madore : Well I figured, if we can get enough mice we can herd the elephants over to this general area, and destroy the S-Mart compound once and for all!

  Pat : You made me waste my fifteen on this?

  [Jenkins enters] 

  Madore : Oh, why the hell do you think you can show up late for the mission briefings? Didn't you get the memo?

• Jenkins : This is the most serious thing to happen to our town ever and we're acting like a bunch of nine year olds!

  [tears down Madore's strategy map] 

  Madore : Hey! I paid for a whole box of crayons to make that!

  Jenkins : They've already brought the construction vehicles on the site. It's starting. Construction is starting guys! And once they lay the foundation there's no going back, no matter what. Even if we're able to somehow get them out of here forever, we're still gonna be stuck with a huge-ass slab of concrete where there used to be one of the greatest farms in New England.

  Pat : You think we're too late?

  Jenkins : No! We're not giving up! We have to do something before we're out of time. Something big, something important, something epic. Something to set them back until we can find a legitimate way to bring these sons of bitches down!

  Bob : You have a plan?

  Jenkins : No. Not yet. But we go tonight no matter what. And I think we can use a little more help.

  Madore : I'm all over it. Bring me everyone.

  Pat : What do you mean, everyone?

  Madore : [screams, deranged]  *Everyone!*

• Jenkins : Then we do this.

  Newman : Indeed, sir. A last charge of Matt Jenkins and his immortals.

  Pat : [lights cigarette]  I'm getting too old for this shit.

• Timmy : [watching Pat take his car keys out of his van's sun visor, Terminator 2 style]  You... keep your keys up there?

  Pat : Yeah, everybody does. Don't all you guys keep your keys up there?

  Everybody : [as though it's obvious]  Yeah!

  Pat : You don't? What the hell's the matter with you?

  [Starts van while eying Timmy with suspicion and disgust]