Brian Madore: Madore, Angry Meat Worker

Quotes 

• Girl : Oh hey Brian I haven't seen you since high school! What's goin' on?

  Madore : [Mouth full of potato chips]  Holy freshman fifteen!

  [Girl slaps Madore in the face] 

• Jenkins : [Jenkins leading Joe on tour]  The single most important thing to remember about working here is this, and only this: if you screw up, blame it on the new guy, which is you, so I guess you're screwed.

  Madore : [Breaking glass offscreen]  Oh, that was Joe!

• Newman : Hey Madore, got a mission for ya.

  Madore : I don't do that type of work anymore.

  Newman : One last job, for old time's sake. We need you to bring this broom and dustbin to the produce back room.

  [Wheels out a dry erase board and flips it around, revealing a huge detailed schematic of the store] 

  Newman : This should be all hush-hush because you know how territorial they get about us stealing their stuff. I'd recommend using the secret entrance through the back hallways, but that's blocked by the latest watermelon shipment. We'll need you to insert in the open, possibly in their view. Once you deliver the package, we'll need you to exfiltrate as quickly as possible. We don't want you to get caught up in old rivalries and have a goddamn world war on our hands.

  Madore : You want me to go into produce territory, without backup?

  Newman : I'm sorry Madore. But this is the situation. We need the best we've got, and that's you.

  Madore : [Clenching a cigar in his teeth]  I'm gettin' too old for this shit.

• Kilroy : Working grocery has made you soft, Madore!

  Madore : [Battling within himself]  No. No!

  Kilroy : Don't forget Madore, you were once one of us.

  Madore : Go to hell.

  Kilroy : [Lifting watermelon for killing blow]  Very well, you've made your choice!

• Peanut-Butter-Questing Customer : Hi sir, do you know where the peanut butter is?

  Madore : [Gleefully, aggressively shouting]  No! Because I'm done for today!

• Timmy : [Back at the meat department window]  Hey, you got any more of these free samples that were out here?

  Angry Meat Worker : Hey, buddy, look around! There are no free samples!

  Timmy : [Looks down at what he was eating]  Oh... okay, gotta go.

• Bob : Well it's either that or we talk about all the weapons we'd use in the zombie apocalypse.

  Timmy : Ooh, chainsaw in one hand, shotgun in the other.

  Jenkins : Oh God, not again!

  Newman : Like Beowulf, bare hands!

  Pat : [Calmly over the chaotic shouting]  You guys are not thinking realistically. You need a semi-automatic rifle, and a bludgeoning tool.

  Jenkins : God, not again.

  Timmy : Chainsaw. Shotgun.

  Madore : Chainsaws don't work.

  Timmy : Shotgun. Chainsaw.

  Madore : [Angrily shouts]  Chainsaws don't work!

  [Turns to Newman] 

  Madore : You stop it!

  Pat : My preference? Crowbar.

• Deirdre Boyle : Someone once said that sometimes it takes our best friends to tell us when we're screwing up, no matter how much we may not like it.

  Jenkins : [Skeptically]  Who said that?

  Deirdre Boyle : [Bracing herself]  Michael Moore on the French.

  Madore : I hate that guy.

  Pat : Everyone does.

• Madore : Alright you lily-livered slam pigs!

• Madore : They're only ninety- it's twenty- ten dollars each.

• Madore : Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up!

• Madore : S-Mart equals Shit-Mart t-shirts! Oh my God it blows me away! You can get anything from lawn signs, knife blades, coffee mugs, red cups, jackets, stolen cell phones! We have it all today! Every penny you spend here today will be used to fight the S-Mart in some way, probably, that has yet to be determined. So buy one of these shirts today! Let's go!

  T-Shirt Customer : Hey, I'll buy one of those.

  Madore : Oke- We got one guys! Alright, that'll be thirty dollars!

  T-Shirt Customer : Thirty dollars?

  Madore : Uh, why don't you just write down your address, because we really haven't made any more than these four right here. We'll send it right out to you, they're being made down at the mall in North Haverbrook. It doesn't matter. Just give us the money. Cash only. That would be great.

• Madore : Now, as you can all see from the files I have prepared for each of you, S-Mart is planning on moving into their property today. This is the last day before S-Mart begins its groundbreaking, so this is our last chance to hit 'em where it hurts!

  [Dramatically] 

  Madore : In the balls. As you all know, the Red Triangle Circus is making its way through town on the train tracks to the Tri-Town Fair Grounds, not listed on the map.

  Pat : Why is it not on the map?

  Madore : [Angrily]  It's not important!

  [Recomposes self] 

  Madore : If this raid is performed successfully we can all live our lifelong dreams: letting circus elephants run amok through town.

  Bob : And what does this have to do with fighting the S-Mart?

  Madore : Well I figured, if we can get enough mice we can herd the elephants over to this general area, and destroy the S-Mart compound once and for all!

  Pat : You made me waste my fifteen on this?

  [Jenkins enters] 

  Madore : Oh, why the hell do you think you can show up late for the mission briefings? Didn't you get the memo?

• Jenkins : This is the most serious thing to happen to our town ever and we're acting like a bunch of nine year olds!

  [tears down Madore's strategy map] 

  Madore : Hey! I paid for a whole box of crayons to make that!

  Jenkins : They've already brought the construction vehicles on the site. It's starting. Construction is starting guys! And once they lay the foundation there's no going back, no matter what. Even if we're able to somehow get them out of here forever, we're still gonna be stuck with a huge-ass slab of concrete where there used to be one of the greatest farms in New England.

  Pat : You think we're too late?

  Jenkins : No! We're not giving up! We have to do something before we're out of time. Something big, something important, something epic. Something to set them back until we can find a legitimate way to bring these sons of bitches down!

  Bob : You have a plan?

  Jenkins : No. Not yet. But we go tonight no matter what. And I think we can use a little more help.

  Madore : I'm all over it. Bring me everyone.

  Pat : What do you mean, everyone?

  Madore : [screams, deranged]  *Everyone!*