Batman: The Brave and the Bold (TV Series)

Legends of the Dark Mite! (2009)

Paul Reubens: Bat-Mite

Quotes 

• Bat-Mite : Yes, you've got a question?

  Fanboy : I always felt Batman was best suited to the role of gritty urban crime detective, but now you guys have got him up against Santas, and Easter bunnies? I'm sorry, but that's not my Batman!

  [the crew talk among themselves regarding the question and hand Bat-Mite a note] 

  Sam Register : Here, read this!

  Bat-Mite : "Batman's rich history allows him to be interpreted in a multitude of ways. To be sure, this is a lighter incarnation, but is certainly no less valid and true to the character's roots as the tortured avenger, crying out for mommy and daddy." And besides, those Easter bunnies looked really scary, right?

  [the audience all starts to agree, as the camera pans to Paul Dini and Bruce Timm in the audience] 

  Bruce W. Timm : Meh.

• Batman : [about Calendar Man]  There, I defeated your villain of choice. Now, will you go home?

  Bat-Mite : Whoa, whoa. That was never a fair fight. You've got skills and weapons. All he's got is a daily planner.

• Bat-Mite : This... is... *awesome-sauce!*

• Batman : If you truly value my abilities...

  Bat-Mite : Oh, I do. I do. You know I do, Batman.

  Batman : Then you wouldn't want me to waste them in pointless fights, would you?

  Bat-Mite : No, not really.

  Batman : Then we both agree it would be best if you returned to your home dimension and let me continue to fight crime in peace, right?

  Bat-Mite : Right, but I still think I could...

  Batman : I'll give you an official batarang. And I'll sign it.

  Bat-Mite : Deal! Thanks, pal! You're the greatest.

  [he vanishes, and the scene transitions to a bank vault] 

  Mobster #2 : What just happened?

  Mobster #1 : I'm not sure.

  [Batman appears] 

  Mobster #1 : Hey, Bats, did you hear this weird little voice kind of heckling you?

  Batman : [punching them]  No.

• Batman : An alarm rings out at the science museum. It's Gorilla Grodd. He's stolen an experimental weapon that will enhance his mind-control powers. Stop him, Batman.

  [putting up his fists, Bat-Mite is plowed over] 

  Batman : You must fight him on his own terms.

  Bat-Mite : Right.

  [he turns himself into a gorilla] 

  Batman : No, I meant out-think him. Grodd considers himself a genius first and an ape second.

  Bat-Mite : [changing back]  Out-think him. I'm sure there's a clever gizmo in my utility belt I can use.

  [taking various items out] 

  Bat-Mite : Gotta be something.

  Batman : [getting an idea, he takes out a banana]  Irony. Good.

• Bat-Mite : [surrounded by Batman's rogues gallery]  Help me, Batman!

  Batman : Are you sure? I don't wanna steal the spotlight from the Dark-Mite detective.

  Bat-Mite : I'm sure! I'm sure!

• Batman : You're not from around here, are you?

  Bat-Mite : I'm from the fifth dimension. Beings from my realm have powers that you 3-Ds take for magical.

  Batman : A friend of mine in Metropolis told me about menaces like you.

  Bat-Mite : I'm not a menace. You're my hero.

  Batman : Green Arrow's gonna love this.

  Bat-Mite : Green Arrow? Pee-yew! Flash, Plastic Man, please. They're not fit to buff your batarang. I got tired of watching those losers take up valuable screen time. So I'm here to help you take your rightful place as the greatest hero of all time.

  Batman : Go home, kid.

  Bat-Mite : I think we'll start with your costume.

  Batman : What's wrong with my costume?

  Bat-Mite : It's all wrong.

  [conjuring various outfits] 

  Bat-Mite : Imposing, but too Dracula. Too dashing. Too campy. Too icky. Too confusing. Too psycho.

  Batman : Stop.

• Batman : Show yourself.

  Bat-Mite : All you had to do is ask, Batman. After all, I'm your number one fan.

  Batman : My fan?

  Bat-Mite : The biggest.

  Batman : And they call you...?

  Bat-Mite : My real name's unpronounceable to humans, but you can call me Bat-Mite!

  Batman : Okay. Well, then...

  [he fires his grappling hook and swings away] 

  Bat-Mite : [appearing on the end as it retracts]  That was really cool, the way you took care of those ninjas. I bet you could take on three times as many.

• Bat-Mite : [watching Batman battle his various conjurings]  Good. I can't wait to see how you smash that monster. I'll bet he uses a Bat-bomb.

  [conjuring a second head] 

  Bat-Mite : No, no. He'll use his Bat-ray.

  [conjuring a third] 

  Bat-Mite : You're both wacky. He'll use his Bat-monster repellent.

  [conjuring a fourth] 

  Bat-Mite : Uh, guys, FYI, Batman's just sitting there.

• Batman : [petting his dog]  Hi, Ace. You won't believe the night I went through tonight. Spent most of it dealing with a weird little creep from another dimension.

  [Ace barks] 

  Batman : Right. That's how I feel. Don't worry. I tricked the pest into going home.

  [seeing another Ace nearby] 

  Batman : Uh-oh.

  Bat-Mite : Weird little creep, am I? A pest, am I? Okay, Batman. I'll show you a pest.

• Batman : Don't run. Gather your wits. Confront your enemies.

  Bat-Mite : [running in circles]  I can't! My imagination is running away with me!

• Batman : Stop this, Bat-Mite, now.

  Bat-Mite : The great Batman. Ha! I thought you were my hero. All right, then. If you won't be my hero, then you'll be my toy. And just like a toy, I'll play with you until you break.

• Bat-Mite : [Green Arrow takes down Copperhead]  That was great! Hi, Green Arrow. I'm your biggest fan.

• Mobster #1 : [blowing a bank vault door]  Worked like a charm. Let's load up and blow.

  Bat-Mite : And suddenly, dramatically framed in the doorway, is the Dark Knight himself.

  Batman : I don't need a play-by-play.

  Mobster #1 : I didn't say anything.

  Batman : Drop the money and give yourselves up.

  Mobster #1 : [doing so and raising their hands]  Okay, Batman. We know when we're licked.

  Bat-Mite : Oh, no, no. You're making it too easy. Grab those bags. Rush him.

  Mobster #1 : [doing so, trying to fight it]  Look, it ain't me doing this.

  Batman : I think I believe you.

  Mobster #2 : [whacking him]  Oh, sorry.

  Bat-Mite : Don't apologize! Hit him again. He's Batman! He can take it!

  Mobster #1 , Mobster #2 : [raising their hands]  We give up!

  Bat-Mite : Oh, man. You guys aren't even trying. I need to raise the stakes.

  [more mobsters magically appear, as do Tommy guns in their hands] 

  Bat-Mite : [after Batman fights them off]  Sweet! Now try the same trick on these guys.

  [the mobsters turn into ninjas, and the guns in Batman's hands turn into katanas] 

  Bat-Mite : Better move it. Those swords are sharp.

• Bat-Mite : I'm sorry, Batman. I'm no hero. Just a failure in a playsuit that my mom made.

  Batman : You have powers that put other magic users to shame. Be proud of that. Someone that powerful shouldn't blindly follow in my footsteps.

  Bat-Mite : I guess that's true, huh? Thanks for helping me see the light and for letting me hang with you for a while.

  Batman : [being returned to the Batcave]  Phew. What a night. At least I sent the little guy home happy. Hopefully, he'll stay there.

  [as he touches a bat logo on Ace's chest, Ace whines] 

  Batman : Just checking.

• Bat-Mite : What gives? You're not trying to save yourself.

  Batman : That's right.

  Bat-Mite : HOLD EVERYTHING! What are you up to?

  Batman : I've had enough. I'd rather end things here and now than exist as the plaything of some all-powerful brat.

  Bat-Mite : But you can't just lie down and die. You're a hero! You're Batman.

  Batman : Well, since you know so much about me, why don't you be Batman?

  Bat-Mite : Me? That's nuts. I can't be Batman, can I?

  Batman : You have the power. Go on, turn yourself into Batman.

  Bat-Mite : But, I couldn't. I mean, I've only watched you from afar. I never dreamed I could actually be... really?

  Batman : Like you told Calendar Man: "live the dream, big shot."

• Bat-Mite : Surrender, criminals! You can't hide from Batman.

  [Batman's various foes appear] 

  Bat-Mite : [gasping]  Mr. Polka Dot, the Polka Dot Man. Tweedledee. And Tweedledum! Killer Moth. Mr. Zero. Kite Man! And Zebra Man! You're all going down!

  [punching them, nothing really happens] 

  Bat-Mite : Ah, crumbs.

• Bat-Mite : Seems you need reinforcements.

  Calendar King : What to send next? Killer robot leprechauns? Angry pilgrims? Ha! I have it. Mutant Easter bunnies.

  Bat-Mite : Easter bunnies? Really?

  Calendar King : What's wrong with bunnies?

  Bat-Mite : I'm just having second thoughts. All these creatures might be too over-the-top to be Batman villains.

  Calendar King : I really don't see how.

  Bat-Mite : Let's see what other Batman fanboys think.

• Batman : I don't fight crime because I want praise as a hero. I do it because there are criminals out there too dangerous for regular police to handle.

  Bat-Mite : Now you're talking. I'll put you in a fight to the finish with the most powerful villain ever, and the world will see how great you are at taking him down.

  [conjuring Gorilla Grodd] 

  Bat-Mite : Here he is, Gorilla Grodd.

  [thinking] 

  Bat-Mite : Ah, overexposed. I know. Solomon Grundy. No, Shaggy Man.

  Batman : Calendar Man.

  Bat-Mite : Calendar Man!

  [realizing] 

  Bat-Mite : Calendar Man?