- [as Squidward searches for his clarinet that SpongeBob has taken, he finds himself in a forest full of clarinets and bumps into a giant eagle head]
- Eagle Head: I am the keeper of the horned forest. State your business here.
- Squidward: Uh... I'm trying to find my clarinet.
- Eagle Head: Your clarinet?
- Squidward: Yes, my clarinet! Which I am the proud owner.
- Eagle Head: [laughs] A clarinet is not owned. Why don't you tell me why you're really here?
- Squidward: You calling me a liar?
- Eagle Head: [grabbing Squidward with its tongue] I don't appreciate your tone.
- Squidward: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.
- Eagle Head: This is a sacred place where clarinets live without persecution. You need to learn respect.
- [eagle squeezes Squidward tightly]
- Squidward: I've learned! I've learned respect.
- Eagle Head: I don't believe you.
- [eagle swallows Squidward]
- Squidward: This is an outrage! I no longer tolerate my personal items being soiled by the ravels that crawls in this restaurant! I demand a place to put my stuff!
- Mr. Krabs: Hmm... Okay, uhhh, I suppose you could put it with the nacho cheese. No one's got near that in years.
- Squidward: You ever read this?
- [Hands out a book]
- Mr. Krabs: [reading] "Bikini Bottom Labor Regulations"? Ewww! GROSS!
- [grows hives]
- Mr. Krabs: GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME! IT'S GIVING ME HIVES!
- Squidward: It specifically states that all employers must provide his or her employees with a secure, clean place to store personal property.
- Mr. Krabs: Gahh! Blast you, Squidward! You drive a hard bargain. I guess I could rustle something up for ya.
- [SpongeBob and Patrick's fooling around with a lawn mower disturbs the Flying Dutchman and gets his beard shaved off, arousing his wrath]
- Flying Dutchman: WHO DARES DISTURB THE FLYING DUTCHMAN?
- SpongeBob: [seeing the clean-shaven Dutchman] You're not the Flying Dutchman.
- Patrick Star: Yeah, the Flying Dutchman has a beard.
- Flying Dutchman: I don't look like the Flying Dutchman because YOU MORONS CUT OFF MY BEARD!
- SpongeBob: Oh, it makes you look a thousand years younger!
- Flying Dutchman: I don't want to look younger! I hate youth! I'll probably get pimples again.
- Patrick Star: Your beard will just grow back.
- Flying Dutchman: You know nothing of my facial hair! IT'LL TAKE A THOUSAND YEARS FOR MY BEARD TO GROW BACK!
- SpongeBob: I'm sorry. But we don't know what it's like to be ghosts.
- Flying Dutchman: Well, maybe it's time you learned. Until my beard grows back, I'm going to turn you two fools into ghosts. Prepare to be ghostified!
- Patrick Star: Ghostified? That's not even a real word.
- [the Dutchman zaps SpongeBob and Patrick, who giggle]
- Flying Dutchman: Okay, you're having too much fun.
- [He zaps them again, turning them green and translucent and turning their legs into ghost-like tails]
- Patrick Star: We're mermaids.
- Flying Dutchman: YOU'RE GHOSTS!
- SpongeBob, Patrick Star: Ohh!
- SpongeBob: We're ghosts! Yaaaay!
- Flying Dutchman: This isn't really working out the way I imagined.
- Flying Dutchman: [staring at his clean-shaven face in the mirror] Well, at least I still have my personality.