- Weekend Update Anchor: A man in New Mexico this week won the 2009 world burrito eating championship by eating thirtythree and a half burritos in ten minutes. When reached for comment, the man said: somebody's in here!
- Weekend Update Anchor: It was reported that a spectacular light show that many stargazers enjoyed last week was created when the spaceshuttle Discovery emptied their urine tanks. Haha! Serves you right for looking into space, nerds!