- Barney Stinson: Hello, Ted. If you're watching this tape - and I knew that you would - It means you have my porn collection, and that means either I am dead, or in a relationship. If I'm dead, I need you to take me to the Hamptons and recreate "Weekend at Bernie's". I want to dance. I want to have sex with a young woman. I want to go skiing. If, on the other hand, I'm in a relationship, then for the love of God... get me out of it!
- Marshall Eriksen: If they can't stand each other, why don't they end it?
- Ted Mosby: Neither one wants to be first. They're playing relationship chicken.
- Marshall Eriksen: I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.
- Marshall Eriksen: So what did you get?
- Lily Aldrin: I got Squat.
- Marshall Eriksen: But I saw you take one.
- Lily Aldrin: I did. It's called "Squat".
- Ted Mosby: [Reading the box of one of Barney's porn tapes] "Sex-chitecture"? That is not how you spell Buckminster Fuller.
- Pizza Guy: Somebody ordered an extra large sausage?
- Ted Mosby: Hey, one of Barney's videos starts off just like that.
- Marshall Eriksen: Hey, guys, Barney's ordering... five of something.
- Pizza Guy: [about his pizza being too large for the station wagon] I don't know if it's gonna fit in here.
- Ted Mosby: Okay, now you're just quoting the video.
- Barney Stinson: You have a girlfriend? A girl, who's also your friend?
- [laughs]
- Barney Stinson: Do not humanize the enemy!
- [Shakes hands with Ted's date]
- Barney Stinson: I'm Barney Stinson, by the way. Nice to meet you.
- Robin Scherbatsky: When are you going to get rid of your doll?
- Barney Stinson: It's not a doll, it's a Stormtrooper.
- Robin Scherbatsky: It has a diaper.
- Barney Stinson: It's not a diaper, it's protective gear.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Stormtrooper? More like Stormpooper.
- Barney Stinson: Stop that!
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Makes fart noise] Oops! I think your Stormpooper needs to be changed.