Psych (TV Series)
A Very Juliet Episode (2010)
Dulé Hill: Burton Guster
Quotes
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Shawn Spencer : Hello, Mr. Waring. My name is Shawn Spencer, well-known psychic detective. This is my associate Burton Guster.
Burton Guster : *Now* you want to use my real name?
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Scott Seaver : Do you guys always disagree like this?
Shawn Spencer : [Simultaneously] Not always.
Burton Guster : [Simultaneously] Always.
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Carlton Lassiter : Turns out Juliet's boyfriend was working for a company owned by the infamous J.T. Waring.
Burton Guster : Nope.
Shawn Spencer : Come on, Gus, she wrote all the Harry Potters.
Burton Guster : That's J.K. Rowling, Shawn.
Carlton Lassiter : J.T. Waring is a Los Angeles mobster, went down for racketeering a few years ago.
Shawn Spencer : What's racketeering?
Carlton Lassiter : Nobody knows.
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Shawn Spencer : Gus, it was a tricky find. I want all the glory for solving Jules' case. Besides, I'm the one that does this.
[Puts hand to head]
Shawn Spencer : Wouldn't it be weird if you did it all of a sudden?
Burton Guster : I think it's weird when anyone does it.
Shawn Spencer : I think it looks pretty sweet when Simon Baker does it.
Burton Guster : Simon Baker doesn't do it.
Shawn Spencer : He doesn't?
Burton Guster : No!
Shawn Spencer : Huh. Well, at least we have that.
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Juliet O'Hara : Gus, what are you doing?
Burton Guster : I-I'm a sympathetic crier.
Juliet O'Hara : I'm not crying.
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Burton Guster : Everything you've said in the last two days has been wrong.
Shawn Spencer : That's not true. I was right about Mr. T being an extra in "The Blues Brothers".
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Burton Guster : I will handle this in perfect stealth mode. You might not know this, but I'm known as the Vault of Secrets.
Juliet O'Hara : No, no, I didn't know that.
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Burton Guster : Are you sure it's cool for us to be in the chief's office?
Carlton Lassiter : Of course it is, I practically run this place.
Shawn Spencer : All right...
Carlton Lassiter : Hit the deck!
[All crouch under the table]
Carlton Lassiter : [whispering] It's the biscuit lady.
[cart passes]
Carlton Lassiter : [gets up] All right, we're good.
[Gus stares at Lassiter]
Carlton Lassiter : I owe her eighty cents. And I... I kind of made out with her at the department picnic.
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Carlton Lassiter : Get down!
[Pulls Shawn and Gus under the table]
Shawn Spencer : That was a dude.
Burton Guster : That must have been some crazy picnic.
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Shawn Spencer : Here's the thing: I think Scott was murdered, robbed. The killer thinks the coast is clear. He's finally selling off his belongings.
[Knocks on door]
Burton Guster : So all we have to do is find the seller.
Shawn Spencer : We just did!
Burton Guster : What?
Shawn Spencer : Ooh.
Burton Guster : You just knocked on the door of a murderer and all you can say is, "Ooh?"
Shawn Spencer : I should have thought about it in my head before I said it out loud, but I wanted a fun reveal. For you!
Burton Guster : Shawn!
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Shawn Spencer : I'm sure any of us would have done the same in his place.
Burton Guster : No, we wouldn't. Remember when you saw that accident and then you pretended to be blind?
Shawn Spencer : That's different. Our movie was going to start in eight minutes. Why would you bring that up?
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Shawn Spencer : [British accent] Look... Scott Seaver worked for you for two years. He had no beef with you.
Burton Guster : Why are you talking in an accent?
Shawn Spencer : I'm speaking this man's language.
Burton Guster : The man's language is English.
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Shawn Spencer : Couldn't they have convicted him with the bullet?
Scott Seaver : No, it-the bullet went right through the guy.
Burton Guster : And they never found it. Didn't you read the trial transcript?
Shawn Spencer : Pfft. Yeah, Gus, it was right at the top of my To Don't list.
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Burton Guster : This is your fix, Shawn? The man is a convicted murderer, he's going to have us killed!
Shawn Spencer : Gus, don't be the "iiiit!" in "Wait for iiiit!" This is going to work great.
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J.T. Waring : Look, Mr Spencer... sometimes things happen without my knowledge. People on the outside want to do things for me whether I ask them to or not. I have that kind of effect on people.
Shawn Spencer : 'Course they do, you're super cool.
Burton Guster : Shawn!
Shawn Spencer : What?
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Shawn Spencer : My God, he's convincing!
Burton Guster : Convincing? He's a criminal!
Shawn Spencer : Yes. But he has a great head. And a real presence. There's something very Billy Zanian about him.
Burton Guster : You and Billy Zane are the only ones who use that term.
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Burton Guster : I'm just saying, the door's been sitting here for five years untouched. There's decay.
Shawn Spencer : Decay? This isn't "Planet of the Apes", Gus.
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Shawn Spencer : Gus, get down there. Be the body.
Burton Guster : I'm not laying on the floor!
Shawn Spencer : Come on, man, I'm onto something.
Burton Guster : This is a two hundred and sixty dollar shirt.
Shawn Spencer : You got that for eighteen bucks.
Burton Guster : List price, Shawn.
Shawn Spencer : You cannot quote list price!
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Burton Guster : Shimmy up a little higher. And stop worrying about messing up your fingernails.
Shawn Spencer : This thing is covered with sap, Gus. And you know I have very sensitive cuticles.
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Karen Vick : You've reached a new level of recklessness this week, and unfortunately, it has become necessary to issue you both formal reprimands.
Shawn Spencer : On what grounds?
Karen Vick : How about misuse of a federal database? Informing a convicted criminal that his accuser is out of protection? Trespassing? Agreeing to assist an incarcerated murderer?
Shawn Spencer : These are crimes? What is this, North Korea?
Burton Guster : I think they all are, except the last one, which is just poor judgment.
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Burton Guster : So, what happened?
Shawn Spencer : Gave him the old "mano a mano" speech.
Burton Guster : Did it work?
Shawn Spencer : Not even sort of.
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Shawn Spencer : [speaking into a bluetooth earpiece while driving] Well, Dad, thanks for trying. And bonus points for using the word 'jackass' in another conversation unironically.
Burton Guster : You've been on the phone this whole time? So you haven't heard anything I've said?
Shawn Spencer : The complaining? No, I heard the complaining.
Burton Guster : We've been going the wrong direction for about two hours now, Shawn!