Crazy, Stupid, Love. (2011)

Ryan Gosling: Jacob

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Jacob : Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?

  Cal : No.

  Jacob : Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

• Hannah : [after kissing him passionately]  Do you remember me?

  Jacob : [fazed by the kiss]  Yeah.

  Hannah : Do you still find me attractive?

  Jacob : Yes.

  Hannah : Do you still want to take me home?

  Jacob : Yeah.

  Hannah : Let's go.

• Jacob : The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.

• Jacob : Let's talk about how many women you've been with.

  Cal : Sexually?

  Jacob : Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.

• Hannah : I'm here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.

  Jacob : Jacob.

  Hannah : Jacob! Sorry, Jacob...

  Jacob : Do people still say "bang"?

  Hannah : I do. And we're gonna bang!

• Cal : [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart]  Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?

  Jacob : Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

  Cal : Cal

  [annoyed] 

  Cal : No! It's not!

  Jacob : Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

  Cal : Cal: Okay. It bothers me.

  Jacob : Jacob: I don't care.

• Hannah : Take off your shirt.

  Jacob : Why?

  Hannah : Please can you take off your shirt, 'cause I can't stop thinking, and then you just...

  Jacob : Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

  Hannah : Alright, okay, okay, okay.

  Jacob : [removing his shirt]  Okay, okay, okay.

  Hannah : Fuck! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Can I...?

  [walks forward and touches Jacob's abs] 

  Jacob : Ahh! You have cold hands. Now you take off your dress.

  Hannah : No.

  Jacob : Yes.

  Hannah : No way. Not with all of that going on. No, thank you. Is there dim lighting somewhere?

• Jacob : The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

  Cal : [Carefully looks at himself on mirror and sighs...]  Yes, it is.

• Jacob : I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?

• Jacob : I don't know whether to help you or euthanize you.

• Jacob : I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.

• Jacob : The bags under your eyes looks like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

• Cal : [Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart]  Would you put on some clothes, please?

  Jacob : Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

  Cal : [annoyed]  No! It's not!

  Jacob : Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

  Cal : Okay. It bothers me.

  Jacob : I don't care.

• Jacob : Who looks like a carrot?

• Jacob : What do you mean "what's my move"?

  Hannah : What's your move? What's your big move?

  Jacob : I got lots of moves.

  Hannah : What's your "big" move?

  Jacob : I'm not telling you my big move.

  Hannah : Tell me your move!

  Jacob : You're not ready for the big move.

  Hannah : Yes, I am! I want your big move!

  Jacob : You can't handle the big move, trust me.

  Hannah : [shouts]  Tell me your big move!

  Jacob : I work "Dirty Dancing" into the conversation.

  Hannah : Dirty Dancing?

  Jacob : Can I sit down, please?

  Hannah : Yeah.

  Jacob : Can I put back on my shirt?

  Hannah : No.

• Hannah : Why Dirty Dancing? What do we do? Do we watch it?

  Jacob : Do you know the big move at the end of Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze picks up Jennifer Grey?

  Hannah : Yeah.

  Jacob : I can do that.

  Hannah : Okay?

  Jacob : So I tell girls I can do the move. I put on the song, "Time of Your Life", I do the big move and they always wanna have sex with me.

  Hannah : [laughs]  Oh my God, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!

  Jacob : I agree, but it works every time.

  Hannah : That would not work on me!

• Cal : Okay. I'm having trouble understanding what's going on right now.

  Hannah : Dad, this is Jacob, my boyfriend.

  Cal : No, it's not.

  Hannah : I was bringing him over to meet Mom.

  Cal : No, no, no, no, no!

  Emily : I wanna see the boyfriend.

  Jacob : I can't breathe.

  Emily : Please, can I take this off now?

  Jacob : Cal, what are you doing with a daughter that's grown up?

  Cal : I was 17, that's why we had to get married so young.

  Jacob : That is something you should have told me.

  Cal : You never wanted me talk about my children!

  Molly : Um, I'm gonna go watch TV now.

  Cal : Yeah, that's fine honey, why don't go do that?

  Jacob : Yeah. Can I come?

  Molly : No.

  Hannah : So you guys, like, really know each other, then.

  Emily : Oh, screw it! This is ridiculous!

  [removes the blindfold; sees Jacob] 

  Emily : Oh Honey, he's really cute.

  Cal : No, he's not.

  Jacob : Look at you. I don't believe it, sister.

• Cal : Let me get this straight. So you guys are a thing? You guys are a couple, right? You guys are together?

  Hannah : Yeah. Yes.

  Cal : No way. Break up right now.

  Hannah : Daddy?

  Jacob : Please don't call him that. Cal, that's not gonna happen.

  Cal : Then I will mess you up!

  Hannah : Dad!

  Emily : Cal!

  Jacob : Cal.

  Robbie : Jessica?

  Cal : Bernie?

• Jacob : Your kids miss you, Cal.

  Cal : You're hanging around with my kids? That's great. You can teach Robbie how to objectify women. He'll love that.

• Cal : What's going on?

  Jacob : What are you doing here?

  Robbie : Hey, Nanna.

  Hannah : Hi, Robbie.

  Molly : Hey, Nanna.

  Hannah : Hi, cutie.

  Emily : Jacob, it's so nice to meet you. I've heard so many wonderful things about you from Nanna.

  Jacob : I'm sorry, what's a Nanna?

  Hannah : I'm a Nanna. You know, I couldn't say Hannah when I was little. How do you know my dad?

  Emily : She couldn't say her H's at all.

• Jacob : What are you doing later?

  Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany : I don't know.

  Jacob : I do.

  Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany : Do you?

  Jacob : I know exactly what you're doing.

  Cal : Seriously? Seriously? You ask her out like that?

  Jacob : Yeah.

  Cal : And that worked?

  Jacob , Hip Hairdresser aka Tiffany : Yeah.

• Jacob : At the end of the night, what do I do? Do I ask them to come home with me?

  Cal : No, you tell 'em to come home with you. They have no choice in the matter. It is your choice and they are so overjoyed to have had the opportunity to make sweet, sweet love to you. Oh my God! You did! You Miyagi'd me!