- Roderick Usher: When life hands you lemons...
- C. Auguste Dupin: Make lemonade?
- Roderick Usher: [sighs] No. First you roll out a multi-media campaign to convince people lemons are incredibly scarce, which only works if you stockpile lemons, control the supply, then a... a media blitz. Lemon is the only way to say "I love you," the must-have accessory for engagements or anniversaries. Roses are out, lemons are in. Billboards that say she won't have sex with you unless you got lemons. You cut De Beers in on it. Limited edition lemon bracelets, yellow diamonds called lemon drops. You get Apple to call their new operating system OS Lemón, a little accent over the "o." You charge 40% more for organic lemons, 50% more for conflict-free lemons. You pack the Capitol with lemon lobbyists, you get a Kardashian to suck a lemon wedge in a leaked sex tape. Timothée Chalamet wears lemon shoes at Cannes. Get a hashtag campaign. Something that isn't "cool" or "tight" or "awesome," no, it's "lemon." "Did you see that movie?" "Did you go to that concert? It was effing lemon." Billie Eilish, "OMG, hashtag... lemon." You get Dr. Oz to recommend four lemons a day and a lemon suppository supplement to get rid of toxins 'cause there's nothing scarier than toxins. Then you patent the seeds. You write a line of genetic code that makes lemons look a little more just like tits... and you get a gene patent for the tit-lemon DNA sequence, you cross-pollinate... you get those seeds circulating in the wild, and then you sue the farmers for copyright infringement when that genetic code shows up on their land. Sit back, rake in the millions, and then, when you're done, and you've sold your lem-pire for a few billion dollars, then, and only then, you make some fucking lemonade.
- [sighs]
- Tina: My name isn't Tina, you know that. My name is Beth.
- Camille L'Espanaye: I don't give a shit, Beth!
- Rufus Griswold: Okay, look. Here's something that you do have, okay? This is something that's going to sound like a little, but it's not. You have, for the moment, my gratitude. And that can be an asset. Hell, that can even have a value. You see, because I'm writing you a check, right now. In the amount of $500. I don't have to do this, okay, I don't pay finder's fees for ideas. I don't pay for other people's farts. But you're a smart guy, you're gonna take this money, and you're gonna buy your wife something nice. Money for nothing. Money for words. Money for hot air. You walked in here, brain farted and turned it into $500. And now, if you're smart, you're realizing what else my gratitude is worth. You're realizing, "Oh, this guy likes my ideas." A good manager is going to want to keep people with good ideas around. Gratitude's worth a little more than you thought, isn't it, Rod? And now you're thinking, "Is he grateful enough to want to promote me?" And the answer is "yes." Because that guy with the good ideas, I'm gonna want a shorter elevator ride between me, those ideas and that guy. Better to have him on the fourth floor than Sub 2, maybe the 10th floor. It's a shorter ride to hear those great ideas. Maybe, down the line, I'm gonna want him up here. Down the hall from me. Hell, I might even want him right next door to me. You seeing the big picture here? Do you get me, Roderick?
- Young Roderick: The whole thing was all my idea.
- Rufus Griswold: No no. An idea is nothing. An idea is a fart that your brain makes.
- Camille L'Espanaye: And I just spin. Dad decided that I belong in a room of smoke and mirrors, and I'm like a ceiling fan and I spin and I spin and I spin and I don't go anywhere. Ushers don't make stuff. None of us.
- Verna: I mean, you lot can't make a lipstick or a dandruff shampoo without making something suffer. I love how deliciously, pointlessly mean you lot can be.