Community (TV Series)
Beginner Pottery (2010)
Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne
Photos
Quotes
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Pierce Hawthorne : Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. Mom said there came a point when the doctor stopped delivering me and just started laughing. I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing some men call 'failure,' I call 'living.' 'Breakfast.' And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet. Now, how about a shove?
Jeff Winger : Good luck, Pierce.
Pierce Hawthorne : Don't need it. Never had it.
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Pierce Hawthorne : [Wearing a boating uniform] Guess what I've enrolled in?
Jeff Winger : Singing back-up for Tennille?
Pierce Hawthorne : No, no, no, hey. Beginning sailing.
Abed Nadir : But the nearest body of water is two and a half hours away.
Pierce Hawthorne : Leagues, Abed. We don't measure water by hours.
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Abed Nadir : Pottery's much cooler than I thought.
Annie Edison : And harder! Well, except for that guy Rich. He's like, a natural.
Abed Nadir : Yeah, I'm worried about the effect that it's having on Jeff, though.
Annie Edison : Mm.
Jeff Winger : Heh, yeah. Someone call a shrink. What?
Abed Nadir : Well, you're usually the cool one.
Jeff Winger : Abed... You understand the point of a blow-off class is to, blow it off. Not to be cool, making really important mud pies.
Annie Edison : You're not willing to admit he's talented?
Jeff Winger : No, because he's not. I mean, if I were ever to make an effort in that class, you'd think I was the cat's pajamas too.
Pierce Hawthorne : Cat's pajamas?
[chuckles]
Pierce Hawthorne : Okay, Pierce.
Britta Perry : Wow, somebody's mommy gave him too much praise.
Jeff Winger : Man, so did someone's psyche teacher.
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Pierce Hawthorne : [to Shirley] Now I know what the C in Captain stands for.
[all gasp]
Pierce Hawthorne : crabapple.
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Admiral Slaughter : Welcome aboard the S.S. Nose Candy, recently purchased through government auction.
Shirley Bennett : Oh, that's nice.
Admiral Slaughter : It's not nice, it's your only weapon against the raging sea. You don't know how to use her, you're dead. Together, you will work as one crew. You will succeed or fail as one crew. You will consider this parking lot the ocean. Whatever you drop, you lose. Mishandle the sails, you capsize and die.
Shirley Bennett : Oh.
Admiral Slaughter : Now, does little miss nice have a name?
Shirley Bennett : Sh... Shirley Bennett.
Admiral Slaughter : Well, now you're Captain Shirley Bennett.
Shirley Bennett : Oh!
Pierce Hawthorne : Aw, man!
Admiral Slaughter : You will follow her every order.
Shirley Bennett : Oh.
[cut to classroom]
Shirley Bennett : I've never been a captain before.
Pierce Hawthorne : I have. I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm And only had one casualty.
Troy Barnes : Jet skis only hold two people.
Pierce Hawthorne : Exactly. Saved half the crew.
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Shirley Bennett : Reef the mainsail and furl the jib!
Pierce Hawthorne : Is that nautical talk or urban speak?
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Jeff Winger : Why aren't you in sailing class?
Pierce Hawthorne : Uh, they drowned me.
Jeff Winger : Why?
Pierce Hawthorne : For a better grade. Look, weren't we discussing your flaws, Jeff?