- Pierce Hawthorne: Jeffrey, when I was born, I got my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck, both arms, and one of my ankles. Mom said there came a point when the doctor stopped delivering me and just started laughing. I mean, if I ever let being bad at something stop me, I wouldn't be here. That thing some men call 'failure,' I call 'living.' 'Breakfast.' And I'm not leaving until I've cleaned out the buffet. Now, how about a shove?
- Jeff Winger: Good luck, Pierce.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Don't need it. Never had it.
- Jeff's Mom: [Jeff creates a fake flashback] Jeff, you're a normal person. There's nothing very special about you at all. You're going to be great at a few things, but really crappy at more. And that takes a lot of the pressure off, so you can live a full, happy life. Oh, and sorry it took me so long to tell you that. And it was only in your imagination. My bad. I'm kind of a sloppy mom.
- [in the present, Jeff immerses himself in the fake flashback while continuing to make bad pottery]
- Jeff Winger: [very seriously] That's okay, Mom. Nobody's perfect.
- Abed Nadir: Jeff's competitive side had come out before. He had even displayed envy, but on that first day of pottery class, he discovered...
- Jeff Winger: Abed!
- Abed Nadir: Yeah.
- Jeff Winger: What did we discuss?
- Abed Nadir: No voiceover. Sorry. It is kind of a crutch.
- Admiral Slaughter: [after Pierce's hat falls over board in the parking lot] That hat is gone, lost at sea.
- Troy Barnes: But I think I can still reach it. It landed on that Hyundai... I mean, mermaid's car.
- [Jeff straddles Rich and accidentally recreates the forbidden scene from "Ghost"]
- Professor Holly: I give you one rule to follow!
- [He points to a poster of Patrick Swayze with a red "X" over it and Annie gasps]
- Professor Holly: I had it made before he died. It's not in bad taste.
- Professor Holly: Congratulations, you just failed a class so easy people passing in the hall get contact credit!
- Troy Barnes: Oh, my God. Pierce is about to become the only person to drown in a parking lot. Twice.
- Professor Holly: Hello my precious blueberries! Alrighty, let's spin those wheels and play with some clay.
- [slams the clay]
- Professor Holly: I have one and only one rule in this class. I will tolerate no reenacting, whether it's ironic or sincere, of the Patrick Swayze/Demi Moore scene in Ghost. Ever since that movie was released in 1990, I have seen every conceivable variation of what I call 'Ghosting'. It's guy-on-girl, girl-on-guy, the hilarious guy-on-guy...
- [pretends to shoot himself in the head]
- Professor Holly: So since it never stopped, I have to adopt a zero ghost tolerance policy. If you so much as hum three notes from that Righteous Brothers song, so help me God I will come at you! With everything I've got. OK? Let's have a great time!
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Wearing a boating uniform] Guess what I've enrolled in?
- Jeff Winger: Singing back-up for Tennille?
- Pierce Hawthorne: No, no, no, hey. Beginning sailing.
- Abed Nadir: But the nearest body of water is two and a half hours away.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Leagues, Abed. We don't measure water by hours.
- Admiral Slaughter: When I look at you, I no longer see students. I see seamen. From the moment you came onboard, I saw seamen inside of you. More importantly you've stopped laughing at the word "seamen" which is the mark of a true seaman.
- Jeff Winger: As we stand once again upon the deadline to drop or add classes, I hereby present this semester's Jeff Winger pick for ultimate blow-off class: Beginner pottery.
- Annie Edison: I don't know, your last "blow-off" class ended up teaching me to live in the moment, which I will always regret and never do again.
- Jeff Winger: This one's different. I researched. You don't even have to make a good pot. You get an art credit for participation.
- Jeff Winger: This class is like a redhead that drinks scotch and loves Die Hard. I suggest you all get her number.
- Abed Nadir: Pottery's much cooler than I thought.
- Annie Edison: And harder! Well, except for that guy Rich. He's like, a natural.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, I'm worried about the effect that it's having on Jeff, though.
- Annie Edison: Mm.
- Jeff Winger: Heh, yeah. Someone call a shrink. What?
- Abed Nadir: Well, you're usually the cool one.
- Jeff Winger: Abed... You understand the point of a blow-off class is to, blow it off. Not to be cool, making really important mud pies.
- Annie Edison: You're not willing to admit he's talented?
- Jeff Winger: No, because he's not. I mean, if I were ever to make an effort in that class, you'd think I was the cat's pajamas too.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Cat's pajamas?
- [chuckles]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Okay, Pierce.
- Britta Perry: Wow, somebody's mommy gave him too much praise.
- Jeff Winger: Man, so did someone's psyche teacher.
- Rich's Mom: [voice over] A clay ashtray. You're an idiot. Why do you have time to make pottery? Couldn't you use a little more practice being a doctor?
- [Rich stares menacingly into the camera]
- Rich's Mom: Not that it'll ever bring your brother back to life. It was supposed to be you on that roller coaster, richard. It was supposed to be you!
- Pierce Hawthorne: [to Shirley] Now I know what the C in Captain stands for.
- [all gasp]
- Pierce Hawthorne: crabapple.
- Admiral Slaughter: Welcome aboard the S.S. Nose Candy, recently purchased through government auction.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, that's nice.
- Admiral Slaughter: It's not nice, it's your only weapon against the raging sea. You don't know how to use her, you're dead. Together, you will work as one crew. You will succeed or fail as one crew. You will consider this parking lot the ocean. Whatever you drop, you lose. Mishandle the sails, you capsize and die.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh.
- Admiral Slaughter: Now, does little miss nice have a name?
- Shirley Bennett: Sh... Shirley Bennett.
- Admiral Slaughter: Well, now you're Captain Shirley Bennett.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Aw, man!
- Admiral Slaughter: You will follow her every order.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh.
- [cut to classroom]
- Shirley Bennett: I've never been a captain before.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I have. I commanded a jet ski through an electrical storm And only had one casualty.
- Troy Barnes: Jet skis only hold two people.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Exactly. Saved half the crew.
- Admiral Slaughter: You just steered your boat into a storm. Any last words?
- Shirley Bennett: The sea may be cold and unforgiving, but I'm not. The ship might go down, but, uh... at least she'll go down with honor.
- Admiral Slaughter: I'll take your captain's hat 'cause I'm promoting you to admiral. You all get an "A."
- Shirley Bennett: Ohh! Admiral Shirley. I like that.
- Admiral Slaughter: Well, it means nothing, really the class is over, but you deserve it.
- Jeff Winger: Guess where Rich is from.
- Britta Perry: Couldn't have been crazy town. You'd have gone to high school together.
- Shirley Bennett: Reef the mainsail and furl the jib!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Is that nautical talk or urban speak?
- Jeff Winger: I mean, take an intermediate class If you're intermediate. Don't come in here making your fear of failure our problem. I mean, it's crazy. It's crazy. I mean, he's a crazy person.
- Annie Edison: [whispering] I'm scared.
- Abed Nadir: It's okay. This is good for him. He's confronting his own limitations.
- Rich: Hey, Jeff, ready to make some art In the shape of a vase?
- Jeff Winger: [holds up a bandaged left forefinger] No, I can't.
- Rich: Ooh, ouch. Let me take a look.
- Jeff Winger: Uh, come on, Rich. Being good at beginner pottery Doesn't mean you can heal people.
- Rich: That's true. But my medical degree does. I'm a doctor.
- Jeff Winger: A doctor?
- Rich: I just take pottery to unwind. Haven't lost a patient in five years. Puts a lot of pressure on a person. So the good news is this is neither sprained nor broken.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, thank God, but I'll have to get a second opinion from a guy in my basket weaving class.
- Rich: [laughs] That's great. That's funny.
- Rich: You know, Jeff, it's kind of weird. I feel like I'm being interrogated, but by someone who doesn't really want to know anything important.
- Jeff Winger: Hey!
- Shirley Bennett: Hmm?
- Jeff Winger: Cuckoo birds, do you mind? This is important.
- Abed Nadir: College is where most mental health problems are activated.
- Troy Barnes: I hope I get multiple personalities. I get lonely in long showers.
- Britta Perry: You don't have to do this.
- Shirley Bennett: I know, but I'd rather be kind and get stepped on every once in a while than be a hard-ass and turn my back on a friend.
- Jeff Winger: Why aren't you in sailing class?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Uh, they drowned me.
- Jeff Winger: Why?
- Pierce Hawthorne: For a better grade. Look, weren't we discussing your flaws, Jeff?