Glee (TV Series)

Britney/Brittany (2010)

Jane Lynch: Sue Sylvester

Quotes 

• Sue Sylvester : You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks.

  Will Schuester : Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.

  Sue Sylvester : You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.

• Sue Sylvester : William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a mid-life crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.

  Will Schuester : What's your point, Sue?

  Sue Sylvester : Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.

• Sue Sylvester : It's a Britney Spears sex riot.

• Will Schuester : You have got to be kidding me.

  Sue Sylvester : I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records; you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... *horror*!

  [flashback; in the library, Sue comes across a naked Jacob Ben Israel webcamming with an unseen Rachel] 

  Jacob Ben Israel : Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?

  Rachel Berry : Thank you.

  [cut to Sue's office] 

  Jacob Ben Israel : Can I put some clothes on, please?

  Sue Sylvester : No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.

  Jacob Ben Israel : Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was... titillated.

  Sue Sylvester : Oh, dear god, please don't ever say that word again.

  Jacob Ben Israel : Can I go now, please? And you're gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.

• Becky Jackson : The glee club's doing Britney Spears for the assembly. I just found out.

  Sue Sylvester : Becky, you're on red alert. If you see any awkward teenage frottage, you perform that citizen's arrest we practiced.