Glee (TV Series)

Britney/Brittany (2010)

Matthew Morrison: Will Schuester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Will Schuester : All right, who can tell me who Christopher Cross is?

  Brittany Pierce : He discovered America.

• Sue Sylvester : You know, William, that's what one Hubert Humphrey said back in 1968 at the start of the Democratic National Convention. But then hippies put acid in everyone's bourbon, and when an updraft revealed Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp, and tattoos above her ovaries, Mayor Richard J. Daley became so incensed with sexual rage that he punched his own wife in the face, and spent the next hour screaming 'sex party' into the microphones of all three major networks.

  Will Schuester : Okay, I'm pretty sure none of that happened.

  Sue Sylvester : You can expect a call very soon from my lawyer, Gloria Allred. I'm gonna sue the pants off you, Will. I'm gonna take your house, your car, your extensive collection of vests. I mean, seriously, you wear more vests than the cast of Blossom. I'll see you in court.

• Emma Pillsbury : Did you ever notice that Britney Spears only makes great music when she's not chasing down paparazzi? She can't just swallow a grenade and let her talent explode all over the walls. She's gotta reign it in. Just like you do. You're such a great teacher, Will. Now, probably the best in the whole school. So why would you wanna be someone else when that someone you already are is so amazing?

  Will Schuester : Because the boring someone that I already am wasn't good enough for you.

• Sue Sylvester : William, I realize you're still mourning the loss of that bony redheaded hominid you're in love with. I understand that. I also understand that you bought a brand new car to impress her. You're flailing, William. Now, I'm secretly hoping it's a mid-life crisis, which means you're halfway to an early death, affording me a blissful, demented convalescence spent peeing on your grave.

  Will Schuester : What's your point, Sue?

  Sue Sylvester : Don't let your own recklessness blind you to the fact that Britney Spears is a genius pop culture provocateur and a gateway drug to every out-of-control impulse ever created. This school is a powder keg of sexual deviance, William, and in my office, I have a chair with a naked butt sweat stain to prove it. I'm not kidding. It's like an inkblot test, that butt sweat stain. Stare into it, William, and you will see the light of all that is good go out of the world.

• Will Schuester : Now, some people think of the term "easy listening" as a bad thing. But I'm going to let this music speak for itself. You guys love Lady Gaga and the Rolling Stones, and you guys are really good about putting it all out there. But really good music can also be controlled and restrained. It doesn't have to attack an audience; it can let them come to you.

  Finn Hudson : [reading the sheet music]  How could get you caught between the moon and New York City? They're, like, a hundred miles apart.

• Kurt Hummel : I think I speak for all of us when I say that it's not that we don't love the idea of spending a week on this silky smooth Adult Contemporary, it's just that, as teens, this isn't the easiest music for us to relate to. However, there is a burgeoning Facebook campaign that has swelled to over five members. The ardent demand: that this week, at the fall homecoming assembly, the McKinley High School Glee Club perform a number by - wait for it - Ms. Britney Spears.

  Artie Abrams : Yo, Spears. Spears, yeah.

  [the glee kids all mutter agreement] 

  Will Schuester : Sorry, Kurt. Kurt, sorry. No, no, no. I... I don't think she's a very good role model.

• Brittany Pierce : I don't want to do Britney.

  Kurt Hummel : Why no Britney, Brittany?

  Brittany Pierce : Because my name is also Brittany Spears.

  [everyone looks at her, confused] 

  Will Schuester : What?

  Mercedes Jones : What the hell is she talking about?

  Brittany Pierce : My middle name is Susan, my last name is Pierce. That makes me Brittany S. Pierce. "Brittany Spierce". I've lived my entire life in Britney Spears' shadow. I will never be as talented or as famous. I hope you'll all respect that I want Glee Club to remain a place where I, Brittany S. Pierce, can escape the torment of Britney Spears.

  Will Schuester : Well, there you have it, guys. It's been decided. No Britney. Sorry.

  Kurt Hummel : Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.

  Santana Lopez : Leave Brittany alone.

  Brittany Pierce : Thank you for understanding. It's been a hard road.

• Emma Pillsbury : I know that Britney's had some issues in the past, but I actually think it's quite admirable the way she's gotten her life back together. I mean, hasn't she had what, like, three number one hits in the past two years? She's a single mom raising two kids. I think she's the perfect symbol for the possibility of rebirth.

  Will Schuester : I can't...

  Emma Pillsbury : See, that's your problem, Will. You're too uptight.

  Will Schuester : Oh, you're calling me uptight?

  Emma Pillsbury : Mm-hmm.

  Will Schuester : The woman who buys hand sanitizer by the barrel?

• Dr. Carl Howell : Will, you grind your teeth?

  Will Schuester : I... I don't think so.

  Dr. Carl Howell : [his phone buzzes]  Damn it.

  Emma Pillsbury : What? What's wrong?

  Dr. Carl Howell : Another teenager needs a root canal. I swear, not one student in this school is going to have their teeth by the time they're 30.

• Santana Lopez : Well, Rachel, congratulations. Normally, you dress like the fantasy of a perverted Japanese businessman with a very dark, specific fetish, but I actually dig this look. Yay.

  Rachel Berry : Thank you.

  Kurt Hummel : I think what Santana is trying to say, Rachel, though I risk expulsion by saying so, is that it seems Britney Spears has really helped you blossom. That's all.

  Will Schuester : Wait. Rachel, is that true? I mean, you are sort of dressing differently.

  Artie Abrams : Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...

  Finn Hudson : [wanting him to stop]  Hey, hey.

  Rachel Berry : Look, all I know is that I had a very vivid Britney Spears fantasy at the dentist, and since then, it's made me feel free to get out of my own way. I think I've just always been afraid to dress like a pretty girl because I've never really felt like one before.

• Brittany Pierce : I would just like to say that from now on, I demand to have every solo in Glee Club.

  Will Schuester : What?

  Brittany Pierce : When I had my teeth cleaned, I had the most amazing Britney Spears fantasy. I sang and danced better than her. Now I realize what a powerful woman I truly am.

  Santana Lopez : I went with her, and I had a Britney fantasy, too. Although now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not really sure how our fantasies combined.

• Kurt Hummel : You see, Mr. Schue? I told you. Britney Spears busted our Brit out of her everyday, fragmented haze of confusion and gave her the confidence to step up and perform.

  Brittany Pierce : I'm more talented than all of you. I see that clearly now. It's Brittany, bitch.

  Will Schuester : Guys, we're not doing Britney Spears, and that's that.

  Kurt Hummel : Mr. Schue, you're letting your own personal issues get in the way of something that we are all telling you we really want to do. I mean, this club regularly pays tribute to pop culture, and Britney Spears *is* pop culture! To suggest otherwise is heretical!

  Will Schuester : Kurt! I'm done talking about this!

  Kurt Hummel : Jeez! Let loose a little, would you? Stop being so frickin' uptight all the time!

  [shocked silence] 

  Will Schuester : Kurt... I'll see you in the principal's office.

• Will Schuester : [at Carl's dentist office]  Hey, Rachel.

  Rachel Berry : Hey, Mr. Schue.

  Will Schuester : You all set? You need me to stay with you or anything?

  Rachel Berry : No. I've been taking herbal anti-anxiety pills and reading "The Unauthorized Biography of Britney Spears" to stay calm. I look forward to the day the paparazzi provokes me and I attack them.

• Will Schuester : You have got to be kidding me.

  Sue Sylvester : I was headed to the library computers late last night to score my Cheerios some cheap tickets on one of those off-brand airlines with shoddy safety records; you know, to fly my JV squad, so if the plane did go down, well, it wouldn't be that big of a deal. But then... *horror*!

  [flashback; in the library, Sue comes across a naked Jacob Ben Israel webcamming with an unseen Rachel] 

  Jacob Ben Israel : Rachel, are you aware you've never been hotter than you are right now dressed as Britney Spears?

  Rachel Berry : Thank you.

  [cut to Sue's office] 

  Jacob Ben Israel : Can I put some clothes on, please?

  Sue Sylvester : No. I want you to feel the beads of your own sweaty, depraved stank dripping down your butt crack.

  Jacob Ben Israel : Rachel Berry was dressing like Britney Spears, and I was... titillated.

  Sue Sylvester : Oh, dear god, please don't ever say that word again.

  Jacob Ben Israel : Can I go now, please? And you're gonna have to turn around when I stand up, if you know what I mean.