- Homer Simpson: The boy's acting really weird. I did everything that T.V. show told me to and he's still not happy.
- Marge Simpson: Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a 30 - year old T.V. show that only got on the air because the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.
- Apu: Mister Homer, you accidentally left your nuclear plant identification badge in the birthday card aisle.
- Homer Simpson: Can't lose that. It's the only good picture of me I have.
- Homer Simpson: Hmm, hmm! Marge, would you like a ''Thicker Than Waters'' collectable plate?
- Marge Simpson: Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine. It's 25 years old.
- Homer Simpson: Oh yeah? I'll show you. TV Guide Offer, 1 World Trade Center...
- Homer Simpson: [watching TV credits] I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing, but the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen!
- Announcer: Thicker Than Waters was filmed live before a studio audience.
- Homer Simpson: He, he, he. Everyone in that studio audience is dead now.
- Lisa Simpson: Maybe if you studied harder and got better grades, Dad would give you the money for that bike.
- Bart Simpson: Does dad give you money for good grades?
- Lisa Simpson: I've been doing the family's checkbooks for years. I take what I need.
- Bart Simpson: I like going to work with you, dad.
- Homer Simpson: And I like having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if someone comes.
- Sheldon Leavitt: I slept with everyone in the cast, including the dog.
- James Lipton: To quote Chandler Bing from Friends, too much information. And to quote Dwayne from What's Happenin'!, Hey... hey... hey.
- Homer Simpson: [singing the Thicker Than Waters theme] This is my favorite song now. Sorry, Don't Fear The Reaper.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Oh my God! I found my new look!
- [Milhouse shows Bart a pair of overalls]
- Bart Simpson: Those are girl overalls.
- Milhouse Van Houten: I could pull it off!
- Homer Simpson: Can I have it Dad?
- [showing Homer a picture of the minibike]
- Homer Simpson: Huh?
- Bart Simpson: Can I?
- James Lipton: Rebecca, you briefly inspired a hairstyle called "the Lizzy". Is "the Lizzy" with us here tonight?
- Rebecca: I was clear with your people that I would not recreate "the Lizzy".
- James Lipton: Oh but "the Lizzy" is here.
- James Lipton: [puts on a "Lizzy" wig"]
- James Lipton: I shouldn't judge my prom date just because he's in a wheelchair. I should judge him by who he is in here. The family hugs.