Ted (2012)

Norah Jones: Norah Jones

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive] 

  Ted : Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!

  Norah Jones : Teddy!

  Ted : Hahaha! How are you?

  Norah Jones : [Hugs Ted]  How are you, you fuzzy asshole?

  Ted : Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.

  Norah Jones : Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.

  Ted : Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.

  John : [Approaches Norah to shake her hand]  Hi, hi, Norah Jones.

  Norah Jones : Hey. Hey there, sweaty.

  [wipes hand on her dress] 

  Norah Jones : Um, you ready to bring down the house?

  John : Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.

  Ted : Jesus, you look fantastic.

  Norah Jones : Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.

  Ted : [laughs]  Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.

  Norah Jones : Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.

  Ted : Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

• [Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission] 

  Norah Jones : Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

  [John enters the stage and waves at the crowd] 

  Lori : Oh... my God.

  Rex : Holy... shit.

  [John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone] 

  Ted : I gotta fuck her again.

  John : Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

  [Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song] 

  John : [singing off-key]  All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

  Ted : Still better than Katy Perry.

  John : [singing off-key]  Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /

  [raises voice] 

  John : We move as one / We're an all-time high...

  Rex : You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

  [Crowd boos John as he continues to sing] 

  Angry fan : You're an asshole!

  [Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage] 

  Norah Jones : Oh Jesus!

  [Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]