Community (TV Series)
Accounting for Lawyers (2010)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Jeff Winger : Shirley, you can't sue a stripper.
Shirley Bennett : Why not?
Jeff Winger : Because she's a stripper. Life sued her. She lost.
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Alan Connor : What brings you to Greendale?
Jeff Winger : I'm a teacher. Wait, that's worse than the truth. I'm a student.
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Jeff Winger : I'm distracted watching you mutate. Britta, you're not a whore. Shirley, Jesus turned the other cheek, he didn't garner wages. Pierce, do I even need to say this? It is bad to hunt man for sport.
Pierce Hawthorne : Bad-ass.
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Ted : I'll tell you what Jeff: you're the best liar I ever employed. If you can look me in the eye and tell me you actually like Alan, I'll make him a full partner.
Jeff Winger : Well, I only ever really liked one person: my mom. She liked my dad. And after all the dust and custody was settled, the guy I really admired - not liked, admired - was the lawyer leaving the courthouse in the great looking suit and the sky-blue Mercedes SLK.
Ted : [nodding] Sweet ride.
Jeff Winger : Sweet job. Sweet life! He didn't care, he couldn't care! And the less he cared, the better he was. We are a special breed because we rise above the sloppy stuff and look at the bottom line. You want to like your employees? Open a hair salon. You want to win? Make Alan partner.
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Jeff Winger : All right, let's do it.
Abed Nadir : Jeff can't go. He has class.
Alan Connor : Well, those cargo pants would suggest otherwise. Heh, heh. What has this place done to you?
Jeff Winger : You have no idea.
Buzz : [Puts a hat on Jeff] Hat club!
[and runs off]
Jeff Winger : Now you have some idea.
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Shirley Bennett : Jeffrey, did you punch Alan in his rotten face and storm out?
Jeff Winger : Hell, no. That guy is useful to me. Thanks to you, I've got leverage over a spineless jag that just made partner. That is the place I want to work. But I prefer to hang out with cool people. People so cool, they care.
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Jeff Winger : Any other meaningless conspiracy theories?
Troy Barnes : Yes. Did you know that Go-Gurt is just yogurt?
Jeff Winger : You know what a therapist calls this kind of relationship?
Pierce Hawthorne : A gold mine.
Jeff Winger : Codependent.
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Jeff Winger : [Jeff hiding his face with his hand] See that guy over there? The one wearing the Gucci suit in a lightweight woven wool-mohair? We used to work together.
Abed Nadir : [quietly] Cool. So he's from your origins?
Jeff Winger : [quietly] This is all I need.
Abed Nadir : [calls out to Alan] Excuse me, sir. You're all my friend needs.
[Jeff glares at Abed]
Abed Nadir : Your mouth isn't curved upwards. Did I misread something?
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Britta Perry : In other words, we're not cool.
Jeff Winger : I never said that. You may have heard it. I may have thought it. It may be true, but I never said it.
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Jeff Winger : Okay. I'm gonna go hang myself in my closet.
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Alan Connor : You should visit the office.
Jeff Winger : Right. I can't show my face there after getting busted like that.
Alan Connor : Jeff, you know what lawyers call someone who defrauds the state bar, cheats on his LSATs and cons his way into a firm? Best lawyer ever.
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Jeff Winger : Is it me, or is this campus getting more cartoonish every day?
Abed Nadir : Yep, it's exciting. I painted a tunnel on the side of the library. When it dries, I'm going for it.
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Jeff Winger : You're right. He's a bad friend, but he's a good lawyer. I appreciate you guys caring, but you have to understand that I don't. Caring is lethal around here. It's a disease. You guys have it. I don't. So if you do care about me, don't infect me. Now go win that pop-and-Iock-a-thon. I'll see you Monday.
Shirley Bennett : It's like watching a soul slip through our fingers. But what more can we do?
[Annie soaks a rag in chloroform]
Troy Barnes : [Troy takes chloroform and rag from Annie] Would you stop?
