Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Alone in the Dark (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [repeated line, said when Spoony messes with his computer voice speaker]  I like to wear women's clothing.

• Linkara : [a character is shot]  What... he didn't even hit her! Look, it goes right above her head. Was the shock of somebody trying to kill her too much for her to handle?

  Nostalgia Critic : Actually, think about it, that gun shot was computer generated, so the director actually had to say in post-production, 'make sure that shot doesn't hit her.' What a cocksucking douchebag.

• Narrator : The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the earth.

  Nostalgia Critic : They never think to look under the fridge.

• Aileen : Some doors are meant to stay shut.

  Nostalgia Critic : Like the DVD case to this movie.

• Aileen : [a soldier falls through the floor]  Marco!

  Nostalgia Critic : Polo.

• Sam : I tracked down the three you asked me about.

  Nostalgia Critic : Even though you are showing him four, you moron.

• The Spoony One : It's like he's taunting us with how bad he is. Like he can post anything he wants and yet somehow he'll still stay rich. Only in America.

  Nostalgia Critic : And yet, ironically, Uwe is German.

• The Spoony One : So one of the kids escapes from the evil experiments and runs to the safest place he can think of: a high voltage electricity box.

  Linkara : But it's okay, he's saved by a flash forward to the future.

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh no, he grew up into Christian Slater.

• Christian Slater as Edward : You don't have to believe me.

  Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One , Linkara : Why start now?

• Nostalgia Critic : So we see the professor guy apparent has been keeping some of these monsters for himself. Taking their blood and injecting it into his own. What does this have to do with the story? Nothing. Uwe Boll is just a weird fuck.

• Nostalgia Critic : [repeated line; as Slater]  Why the hell was I in Star Trek VI?

• Chester A. Bum : Change? Ya got...?

  [is shot] 

• Stephen Dorf : We been trying to stop something they created this whole time. My guys are dying out there for nothing. For fucking nothing! GOD DAMMIT!

  Nostalgia Critic : [mimicking]  I'm acting.

• Stephen Dorf : I got a feeling this is just the beginning.

  Nostalgia Critic , Linkara , The Spoony One : Awwww!

  The Spoony One : How long is this movie?

  Linkara : This movie has a talent for somehow having too much plot and yet no plot at all.

• Linkara : So now with the monsters blown up, everything is fine, right? Noooooo. For it turns out some other group of monsters that was never explained or shown to us attacked the city while they were fighting in the cave, resulting in a complete evacuation of the entire city, ALL IN ONE NIGHT! Wow! That's a LOT to buy, movie. That is a LOT to buy.

  Nostalgia Critic : One night? They evacuated the city in one night? Holy fuck balls is this stupid.

  The Spoony One : And you know what makes it really tragic is that everyone in the city had just two days left 'til retirement...

  Nostalgia Critic : Shut up.

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, not that I wouldn't want to watch the movie again with you, Spoony, but I feel a film this bad would take at least three reviewers, so unless you can find someone else...

  Linkara : [comes in]  Hi, guys!

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh Jesus, no.

  Linkara : I saw the Nostalgia signal in the sky.

  [Cut to a shot of a spotlight showing a picture of the Critic's face in the sky] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why did I install that?

  Linkara : No one should have to watch Uwe Boll alone, especially with Spoony.

• Nostalgia Critic : How did you get in here?

  The Spoony One : I'm from the future.

  Nostalgia Critic : What?

  The Spoony One : Just kidding, I broke in.

• Nostalgia Critic : [robotic computer voice]  We loves Edward. We loves him so much. Oh, we hates Edward. We hates him with all our...

  The Spoony One : No, no, Critic, it doesn't work unless you actually have the Gollum voice.

  Nostalgia Critic : My precious.

• Nostalgia Critic : Well, I guess we have enough people to withstand the horrors of the Boll. So what do you say we watch Alone in the Dark with a group in the daylight?

  Linkara : Sounds great.

  The Spoony One : Totally looking forward to it.

  Nostalgia Critic : Goody.

• Christian Slater as Edward : I don't think we're supposed to be here.

  Nostalgia Critic : You're... an... idiot.

• The Spoony One : I guess Stephen Dorf was right, she really would be okay.

  Nostalgia Critic : Nobody associated with this movie is okay.

• Nostalgia Critic : Hey look, it's that guy who consistently almost has a career.

  Linkara : Stephen Dorf?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes.

• Aileen : If you wanted somebody to build a puzzle, why would you hide the pieces so far apart?

  Linkara , Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One : Because it's a puzzle, you dummy! It's supposed to be hard to solve!

• Nostalgia Critic : There, it's over. Now leave.

  The Spoony One : Oh, but I got all these other Uwe Boll movies we could watch, like House of the Dead.

  [NC slaps him] 

  Linkara : Remember to buy Revolution of the Mask.

  [NC pokes him in the eyes] 

  The Spoony One : What about Dungeon Seige?

  [NC slaps him] 

  Linkara : Hey, you leave him alone.

  [NC hits him] 

  The Spoony One : I got BloodRayne.

  [NC pokes him] 

  The Spoony One : BloodRayne 2.

  Nostalgia Critic : [Linkara hits NC with his hat]  Pick five.

  [slaps Linkara] 

  The Spoony One : Why you gotta be so mean? We could watch Seed.

  [NC hits both of them] 

  The Spoony One : Alright, Critic, it's on!

  [NC is tackled by Spoony and Linkara] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Uwe Boll]  He's also well known for challenging his critics to a boxing match and beating the man-shit out of them. Class act.

• [repeated line] 

  Linkara : Unless, of course, that man was...

  Linkara , Nostalgia Critic , The Spoony One : Chuck Norris!