Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

We're Back! A Dinosaur Story (2009)

Doug Walker: Raoul Puke

Quotes 

• Raoul Puke : What? No, you're raping Spiderman, you fucking facist! Leave that American icon alone!

• Rex : We're going to the... Museum of Natural History.

  Louie : That's perfect.

  Raoul Puke : Kid, you are on a raft with fucking dinosaurs! How about a little acknowledgement of this miracle, huh?

• Raoul Puke : I was somewhere in the living room, on the edge of the couch when the drugs began to take hold. The only strange thing is that I wasn't on any drugs. It was one of the few instances of sobriety I've ever experienced. But never again will I return to that nasty realm. Because if it's anything like I saw on the television, the world of LSD has more sense and logic than that of reality.

• Cecilia : Let no bad happen!

  Raoul Puke : Who are you, Yoda? Nobody talks like that!

• [repeated line] 

  Raoul Puke : A child is looking at the same hat.

• Raoul Puke : Hello, I'm Raoul Puke, father of Fozzie Journalism. I've covered everything from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas to Where the Buffalo Roam, but today... today I am here to tell you about a different kind of trip. It is a trip that I wish never to take again. A trip of sobriety, I will not lie. But it came from a very particular place: a children's film. A children's film I hope never to revisit. A children's film that brought out horrid images that I hope never to experience again. The one children's film that could possibly bring out this horrible kind of trip in any man is simply known as "We're Back! A Dinosaur's Story."

• Raoul Puke : We're seeing a dinosaur playing golf. Already I'm confused.

• Raoul Puke : It looks like a cereal mascot that got shit out by Marvin the Martian.

• Louie : You should have my mother. Slobbering kisses all over me... in public!

  Raoul Puke : She should be crucified on a cross of fire. What bitch would do such a horrible thing?

• Raoul Puke : [the girl is voiced by Yeardley Smith]  Hello... Lisa Simpson? How distracting that your voice be coming out of that character.

• Raoul Puke : I think someone's getting a bonesaurus.

  [laughs] 

  Raoul Puke : ... That joke is below me, I apologize.

• Raoul Puke : This animal annoys me. He must be cast aside for more deserving character development.

• Raoul Puke : By the way, the voice of Dr. Neweyes is done by Walter Cronkite, a journalist far on the other side of the spectrum, but we won't hold that against him.

• Raoul Puke : Racism is gone. All hatred is abolished, and Fox News is now a candy store.

• Raoul Puke : So the dinosaur, who is ingeniously named Rex, is taken to meet the other sodomized Happy Meal toys.

• Raoul Puke : So the Neweyes fart tells them that he can use the time machine to travel back in time to grant the wishes of all the children of the world. I would have used it to stop 9/11... unethical jackass. I mean, the Kennedy assassination? The bombing of Pearl Harbor? Really? None of these are more important than entertaining whiny little bastard children? Well, while you're taking requests,

  [holds an imaginary baby] 

  Raoul Puke : here's a kid named Hitler. He just wants to start his own Third Reich and bring joy and happiness to the world. Why don't you grant him that wish? Huh? HUH?

• Raoul Puke : But no, Neweyes sees it best to take animals out of their natural environments and into an unknown world of fear and violence. I can't see this going right at all.

• Raoul Puke : You've done nothing but sing and skateboard on trucks. Finish the bastard off, be a credit to your species!

• Raoul Puke : Big lipped alligator moment? Try big lipped alligator movie!

• Raoul Puke : So do yourself a favor, get off the ride, get a refund.

• Raoul Puke : This is The Land Before Time on crystal meth!

• Raoul Puke : So, take the ticket, ride the ride.

• Raoul Puke : Clearly these writers and directors have bitten off more ecstacy than they can chew, because there is no story structure or visual logic that could be obtained from any reasonable, sober human being. At least, let's pray to God there isn't.

• Raoul Puke : We can't stop here, this is bat country.