Sandra Bernhard: Self

Quotes 

• Sandra Bernhard : Do you swing? Do you guys swing?

  Tom Arnold : I wish! We'd like to!

  Sandra Bernhard : Cause you know what, I've been working with you, I was in Vegas with you, I was down the hall from you... we shared suites. Tiki lounge suites, I had some tacky rattan thing...

  Tom Arnold : See, we've seen you naked, but you haven't seen us naked, that may be where it is.

  Sandra Bernhard : I've seen you semi-naked in Vanity Fair...

  Roseanne Barr : Semi. Semi, yeah.

  Sandra Bernhard : Well I'm ready! I'm ready to swing with you two! I'm hot for you two! You don't know it, I think about you, I dream about you... I mean it!

  Roseanne Barr : We think and dream about you, too.

  Sandra Bernhard : Well, I don't get any calls lately!

• Sandra Bernhard : [to hairdresser, in the middle of hair & makeup]  God, can you... you're like a pussy, grab the root, work it! Do it like Oribe does it, really get in there, would you grab my roots? Would you please be aggressive, are you scared of my hair? Everybody's like, fucking coming down on me, I've got all these queens on my ass, will you fucking do my hair, you asshole?

  Sandra Bernhard : [to makeup artist]  Are you using waterproof mascara? I'm gonna be sweating like a pig tonight. You'd think they could get some fans, they're so tacky and cheap. I hope I look OK tonight, people. What? Oh... you must be kidding me, I don't want that red lipstick anywhere near my lips, I am not Paloma Picasso, thank you! Jesus, what are you trying to make me look like, a drag queen? Something soft, something subtle, I'd like to look like a woman tonight for a change.

  Sandra Bernhard : [to wardrobe person]  This cuts me in the wrong place, don't you know? Isaac told you! You don't get things that cut me across here, it makes my thighs look really fat! And THIS going right up my pussy is bound to give me a yeast infection!

  Sandra Bernhard : [answering phone]  Hello? Oh, thank you for calling me right now, in the middle of hair and makeup! Yeah, well the last time you talked me into doing a cameo, it was "Hudson Hawk". Thank you, well Bruce Willis' career may have recovered, but mine sure hasn't! Whaddya want, your ten fuckin' percent? You're NOT GETTING IT!