Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)

Steve Carell (2010)

Steve Carell: Self

Quotes 

• Steve Carell : [Zach starts to cry]  what are you doing?

  Himself - Host : [wiping his tears, referring to this segment of Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis]  I don't know if we should air this one

  Steve Carell : I'm sorry

  Himself - Host : [while crying]  to be honest with you I've been struggling with the weight thing

  Steve Carell : Ok I'm...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him, continues to cry]  it's tough in Hollywood, they either want you to stay over weight or you want you to lose a bunch of weight

  Steve Carell : you're right...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him, continues to cry]  now that I've got a little bit of a career going you just want me to stay at my weight that might be unhealthy

  Himself - Host : [stops crying]  I don't know man, you just seem so lucky, no one ever makes fun of the great Steve Carell everybody just loves you and...

  Steve Carell : [interrupts him]  that's not true.

  Himself - Host : well, it is true

  Steve Carell : no, there's lots of things to make fun of

  Himself - Host : like what

  Steve Carell : [quickly thinking of a response]  like I'm Italian

  Steve Carell : you can make fun of that

  Himself - Host : Carell's not your last name?

  Steve Carell : not originally

  Himself - Host : what is it? Pinocchio?

  Steve Carell : [nods, realizes Zach is going to start insulting him again]  ok

  Himself - Host : like when you go to the beach, someone yells shark! Shark! Then they just realize it's Steve doing the back stroke

  Steve Carell : when you go to the beach and swim past the buoys, do people think that there's an island there?

  Himself - Host : I'm not that fat man!

  Steve Carell : you are pretty...

  Himself - Host : [interrupts him]  no I'm not that fat

  Steve Carell : you're pretty fat

• Himself - Host : [angrily]  if you were to do my percent of body fat versus your percentage of how much your nose weighs, I guarantee your nose, per capita weighs more than...

  Steve Carell : [interrupts him]  alright fuck you fatso

  Himself - Host : [stands up points his finger in Steve's face]  the point is I'm not that fat

  Steve Carell : ok

  [Zach sit back down, the chair breaks, segment ends] 

• Himself - Host : [to the camera]  hello welcome to another edition of Between Two Ferns, I'm your host Zach Galifianakis and I'm very pleased to have one of my favorite actors Steve Carell.

  Steve Carell : yeah, it's a pleasure to meet you, you know I hear the camera adds ten pounds, looks like you've eaten five cameras

  Himself - Host : [scoffs] 

  Steve Carell : [implying to Zach to start the interview]  here we go

  Himself - Host : I really loved The Office, I think you did such a great...

  Steve Carell : [interrupts him]  and you love Ricky Gervais

  Himself - Host : ummm

  Steve Carell : I see where you're going, I've watched your show, I know what you do

  Steve Carell : [impersonating Zach]  oh I got you confused, I got you confused with the "good one" right?

  Himself - Host : [remains silent] 

  Steve Carell : [continues to impersonate Zach]  "oh no I didn't mean your office I meant the "good one", end scene.

  Himself - Host : alright I'm not here to do the insults like I usually do

  Steve Carell : oh ok

  Himself - Host : [intentionally recanting his previous statement]  I'm not going to say your character in Despicable Me I hear they were going to base the nose of your character on your nose but decided to go with something less cartoonish, I'm not going to say that, let's just do a "straight interview"

  Steve Carell : "straight interview"? OK I'm down with that, yeah that sounds great

  Himself - Host : what is the thing you're most proud of in your career?

  Steve Carell : [excitingly]  oh, Evan Almighty, of course

  Himself - Host : [sarcastically]  that's a good movie

  Steve Carell : fuck you fatty

  Himself - Host : I'm not...

  Steve Carell : [interrupts him]  just lead me right into that and smack me across the face

  Himself - Host : that's a great movie, ok, regardless it lost a lot of money and all that stuff, no one saw it and the budget was way over and no one was interested in seeing it, it's a "great movie"

  Steve Carell : [reaches for his notes from off camera and reads from them]  I brought a few things I'd like to say to you, G-force, more like gee, his fat, the only French word you know is buffet

  Himself - Host : that's not true I know the word croissant

  Steve Carell : [continues to read from his notes]  I heard your last name used to be even longer but you ate all the other letters of the alphabet, you look like a homeless guy who's been to a soup kitchen, that specializes in ice cream soup