How I Met Your Mother (TV Series)

Desperation Day (2011)

Cobie Smulders: Robin Scherbatsky

Quotes 

• Barney Stinson : Every woman wants a date on Valentine's Day. That neediness reaches its climax - what up - on February 13th. A magical night, when a 10 has the self esteem of a 4, and the depraved enthusiasm of a 2. Now, there's only one thing you can't do.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Please say "widows."

  Barney Stinson : Wherever you are, or whoever you're under, you must get home alone by 11:59 p.m. Otherwise, you're on a date on Valentine's Day.

  Robin Scherbatsky : Barney, Desperation Day assumes that all single women freak out about Valentine's Day.Which we do not. Case in point: I will be spending February 13 with some lovely single ladies from work...

  Barney Stinson : [Interrupts]  Trolls.

  Robin Scherbatsky : ...who could care less about Valentine's Day.

  Barney Stinson : Lying trolls.

  Robin Scherbatsky : And we will be celebrating the fact that we don't have to spend it with some dippy guy carting around roses and stuffed toys all night. Oh, no offense, Ted.

  Ted Mosby : And none was taken until just then.

• Robin Scherbatsky : Desperation Day had come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.

• [Discussing Zoey's invitation to bake cookies with Ted, the gang says it's a booty call] 

  Ted Mosby : That's crazy, she - she wants to bake...

  Robin Scherbatsky : Guys booty call girls after 2am with a drunkenly slurred "Whatcha doin'?", but when a lady booty calls a guy, she invents a respectable excuse to mask the fact that she wants to get stuck, real good. It's called class, Ted.

• Barney Stinson : Loneliness... the looming specter of Valentine's Day fast approaching... the two key ingredients to my favorite day of the year - February 13th, Desperation Day.

  Robin Scherbatsky : That's not a thing

  Barney Stinson : It's a thing. Much like Valentine's Day itself, Desperation Day dates back thousands of years.

  [Visualizes Roman-era wedding] 

  Barney Stinson : Weddings were forbidden under ancient Roman law, so St. Valentine performed them in secret, under threat of death.

  Ted Mosby : That's actually true.

  Barney Stinson : Wait. There's more.

  Ted Mosby : This won't be.

  Barney Stinson : And right by St. Valentine's side was his best bro, St. Desperatius, there to pick off insecure bridesmaids.

  [Cut to fantasy scene with Barney as St. Desperatius and Ted as St. Valentine. Desperatius sees woman who looks exactly like Robin] 

  Barney Stinson : [as St. Desperatius]  Whoa! Check out that one, her body is a perfect X.

  Ted Mosby : [as St. Valentine]  Player! Play on! High V.

  [high-fives] 

  Robin Scherbatsky : [as Roman woman]  Oh Jupiter! What are your plans for me? Fifteen and still unmarried.

  Barney Stinson : [as St. Desperatius, to Robin]  And I thought Pompeii was smoking.