- [first lines]
- Sam Collins: [on the phone] Hello? Jennifer? Of course. I got my tree all set up. It even glows in the dark. I figured Santa would probably need a landing light if he wanted to make it down the laundry chute this year. Yeah. Oh, everybody's getting great stuff. Alright. For Tank, I got a Joe Montana personally autographed NFL football. Yeah, and for Sydney, I got a 256 bit sound card and Orchestra in a Box software. Well, for Amp I figured that the wildlife possum aquarium would be my best bet. Yeah. You're gettin' me something? Ah, really? Really special? Really? Oh, tell me, tell me. Please. What do you mean you're not telling? It's my gift, isn't it? Can't I just have a hint? Little hint. It's wrapped? And it's for Christmas? Ha ha, very funny, Jen. I get it. So I peaked last year. So, and the year before. Alright, so I'm a chronic peeker. I don't know, I just gotta know. That's all. A gift is a challenge to me. Like a basketball hoop is to Shaquille O'Neal or a guitar to Eddie Van Halen or a sad face to Barney the Dinosaur. I just see a wrapped gift and I have to open it. I don't know what it is. Once I figure out where it is. What? Oh no, I just said that, um, I'm bringing something for your kids. Yeah, you know that charity gift thing. Presents for the Poor. Right. Well, I got this really cool water pistol. Someone's going to wake up happy Christmas morning. And wet. Oh, really? Alright. Me too. Alright, see you at school, Jen. Okay, b-bye. Okay.
- Jennifer Doyle: Your dad really gets into this, doesn't he?
- Yollanda Pratchett: Yeah, well, I think he's been sipping a little too much eggnog again. Last year, Mom and I had to replace the last quart with library paste. He drank it anyway.
- Mrs.Starkey: [dressed as Santa Claus] Ho.
- Principal Pratchett: Uh, not to imply any criticism on this most festive of holiday seasons, but uh, isn't it supposed to be ho ho ho?
- Mrs.Starkey: It's a week 'til C-Day, Bucky. I don't wanna peak too soon.
- Kilokahn: Define the problem, then eliminate it.
- Malcolm Frink: Servo. Christmas. Take your choice, I hate them both.
- Kilokahn: Christmas, a strange seasonal observance where a large fat meat thing flies about the world in a red garment giving endowments in the form of wrapped packages. A truly horrifying concept.
- Malcolm Frink: Servo. A strange computer program that flies about the grid in a red garment and kicks our butts. Another truly horrifying concept.
- [last lines]
- Malcolm Frink: Well? Well?
- Kilokahn: I have pinpointed the Servo program's home data stack to within a six square mile radius of... your terminal, meat thing.
- Malcolm Frink: He's nearby? Servo?
- Kilokahn: And we can find him. And when we do, we shall destroy him.
- [laughs]
- Kilokahn: Mystery.