South Park (TV Series)

Crack Baby Athletic Association (2011)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Phillip, TV Announcer, Woman on Appeal, Waiter, Clyde, Marty's Colleague, Mr. Donovan, E.A. Sports Employee

Quotes 

• Secretary : [off-screen]  Dean Howland, a representative from another prestigious institution is here to see you.

  Dean Howland : A what? Send him in.

  [the doors open and in walks Cartman, dressed as a Southern gentleman] 

  Eric Cartman : [speaking like a Georgia plantation owner]  Helloo thear! The name is Eric P Cartman. I'm a well-respected owner in the slave trade.

  Dean Howland : In the what?

  Eric Cartman : My peaches, what a wonderful office you got yourself heah. Certainly got yourself a luuucrative bidness, don't ye. Well let me get right down to it theyen. Like yourself,

  [opens a humidor and takes out a cigar] 

  Eric Cartman : I am also in the slave trade.

  [takes a long whiff of the sealed cigar, then puts it into his inside coat pocket and pats it down] 

  Eric Cartman : But at the moment I find myself in a little quandary with ligal issues. Was wonderin' if you could share some secrets.

  Dean Howland : I have... no idea what you're talkin' about.

  Eric Cartman : [walks over to a picture of the UCB basketball team]  You have some might strong-lookin' workers heah, sahr. I'd be willin' to offer you forty dollars for two of the white ones and fifty for the blacks.

  Dean Howland : Are you refering to our student athletes?

  Eric Cartman : Student atholetes. Hoho, that is brilliant sahr. Now, when we sell their likeness for video games, how do we get around payin' for our slaves uh- "student atheletes" then?

  Dean Howland : Look, there are

  [catches his breath] 

  Dean Howland : good reasons why our student athletes cannot be paid, young man

  Eric Cartman : I ain't arguin'. If they got paid, then how did we make all owr money, right?

  Dean Howland : We do

  [slams his fist on his desk] 

  Dean Howland : not own slaves, and we have no desire to own slaves.

  Eric Cartman : But of course you own slaves, because, oh... riiight.

  [clears his throat] 

  Eric Cartman : Of couse you don't have desire to own slaves, son, neither do I. And if there was any government agency listenin' in on this heah conversation, they should know that we'er not talkin' 'bout slave ownership. Gaauu.

  [waits a few seconds, then takes off his hat and softly says] 

  Eric Cartman : Alright, so now, how do you get around not paying your slaves.

  Dean Howland : Get out! This is a prestigious university and I am not saying one more word to you!

  Eric Cartman : You think you can do whatever you want 'cause your corporation is a university?

  [walks towards the entrance and opens the door] 

  Eric Cartman : This country was founded on the idea that one corporation couldn't hog all the slaves, while the rest of us wallow in poverteh! Screw you sahr, I'm goin' home!

  [walks out and closes the door] 

• Eric Cartman : Now, do you know yet if your child is male or female or so deformed you'll never be able to tell?

• Stan Marsh : You sound like Cartman.

  Kyle Broflovski : Ugh. Dude, the thing is, we're not the ones that made them crack babies. That's their moms' goddamn fault.

  Stan Marsh : Yeah, I'm sure that's what Cartman would say.

  Kyle Broflovski : I do not sound like Cartman, God dammit!

• Eric Cartman : I don't make the rules, ma'am. I just think them up and write them down.

• Eric Cartman : How can Slash be playing in Colorado Springs and Moscow at the same time?

  Clyde : We don't know. He's everywhere.