- [John Barnaby is reading from a book about rare birds, in connection with the murder case]
- DCI John Barnaby: "The female blue-crested hoopoe has multiple partners and attacks the male viciously in the nether regions after mating".
- Sarah Barnaby: Well, that should stop them feeling frisky.
- DCI John Barnaby: Ouch!
- [Sarah seductively strokes John's hand]
- Sarah Barnaby: Are you, uh, feeling frisky?
- DCI John Barnaby: Will you attack me viciously in the nether regions afterwards?
- Sarah Barnaby: Quite possibly.
- DCI John Barnaby: [eagerly] You're on!
- [Dave and George are dicussing a group of "twitchers" who have descended on the area, attracted by sightings of a rare bird]
- Dave Foxely: They think bird-watching's better than sex.
- George Napier: [ironically] It probably is, the way *they* do it!
- DCI John Barnaby: I was thinking of something rather more, um, spiritual; something of the unattainable object of desire.
- DS Ben Jones: Out of my depth there, sir.
- DCI John Barnaby: Jones, you'd be out of your depth in a puddle.
- DS Ben Jones: You don't think Nina Morgan would go for someone as rough as Dave Foxely, sir?
- DCI John Barnaby: Ever read 'Lady Chatterley's Lover', Jones?
- DS Ben Jones: Only... bits.
- Michael Hipsman: You're welcome to browse. I have a very good crime fiction section.
- DS Ben Jones: I've enough of the real thing. Thank you.
- Ralph Ford: I'm a vegetarian.
- DCI John Barnaby: I don't quite see the relevance of that.
- Ralph Ford: I'm just saying as a vegetarian I could never put a living corpse into my mouth, chew its hacked flesh, swallow the juices of its death wounds.
- DCI John Barnaby: We're not accusing you of eating him, Mr. Ford.
- Olivia Carter: You know it was Ralph Ford who did it.
- DCI John Barnaby: Do I?
- Olivia Carter: The man's crazy as a coot. He'd kill to get his hands on that cup. Rip your throat out to win the prize.
- DCI John Barnaby: And there was me thinking that birdwatching was such an innocent pastime.
- Olivia Carter: It's not a pastime, Inspector; it's a religion. Birders are a bunch of jealous, self-centred maniacs. They'd cancel their own wedding for the glimpse of a rare bird.
- [last lines]
- DCI John Barnaby: Cheers, Jones. Well done.
- DS Ben Jones: To a very rare bird.
- DCI John Barnaby: Th the beautiful Nina, who for a moment there was almost a dying swan.
- DS Ben Jones: I didn't mean Nina. I meant our feathered friend.
- DCI John Barnaby: Aaah, of course, to her. To the blue-crested hoopoe, s very rare bird indeed.