Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows (2011)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, Chester A. Bum

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : So the Blair Witch is Bigfoot from Monster Truck Rally? 'Cause that would be friggin' awesome!

• Kim : Keep your motherfucking change!

  Chester A. Bum : Did she say "change"? I'll take that!

• Nostalgia Critic : [after the movie ends]  Well, all-in-all, the more I think about it, I think they wrapped up all the questions pretty well. Except: Was that the Blair Witch behind it the whole time? Did that "Twin Peaks" girl have anything to do with it? Oh, and what about the author, was she possessed or behind it at all? Actually, whoever it was, what was the motive? Why kill all these people? Were they under a spell, or just crazy?

  [Shows Jeff] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I mean, we know *this* guy was crazy because he was in a mental institution. In fact, what was up with that opening with the mucus pouring into his nose? They never explained THAT. Hey, how come they saw crazy images *sometimes* and didn't at *other* times? Was there ever a rhyme or reason to it, or did they just do it out of nowhere?

  [Shows Video footage from the final scene] 

  Nostalgia Critic : For that matter, how do we know the video footage is what we're really seeing? I mean, is that what really happened, or did the ghost, or witch, or whatever it is play with that too? We saw clearly it can mess with the footage. Speaking of which, why was the footage only playable when it's being played backwards? And even then, how did they see the snippets of it when they were playing it forward? Oh yeah, and did they ever explain why the goth chick was psychic? Because that was a "thrilling" backstory, wasn't it? I'm so glad they had THAT in the movie... THAT was essential to the plot! Hey, is there any chance you can explain why you were cutting to those bits of those people being murdered out of nowhere? Did it add anything to the story? Did it build any suspense? Now that I think about it, from a storytelling point of view: What does this have to do with the fucking Blair Witch? The connection, if there is one at all, is never made! In fact, wait a minute: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE BOOK OF SHADOWS? Did they ever mention *that* in the movie? Why the hell was that the title? They don't talk about it; we never even see it! Don't you think maybe the title of your movie should goddamn have something well fuck-shit-damn to do with your movie? It's never explained!

  [beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, you know what, come to think about it: THIS MOVIE IS BUTT-ASS!

• Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and pumpkin juice!

  [Beat] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Why'd I say that? 'Cause it makes about as much sense as this fucking movie!