New Girl (TV Series)

Cece Crashes (2011)

Max Greenfield: Schmidt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Schmidt : Yes, she is sleeping on my sheets right now. Not yours, bro. Mine!

  [jumps awkwardly up the wall] 

  Schmidt : Parkour!

• Schmidt : [getting a glimpse of Cece getting out of the shower]  Did you see that cleavage? I just want to get my arm stuck down there. Like "127 Hours"-style. And then, and then...

  [pantomiming sawing his arm off] 

  Schmidt : Just cut it for days. I don't care. I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.

  Winston Bishop : [a little disgusted]  Schmidt!

• Cece Parekh : I'm sorry for everything. I can be a jerk sometimes.

  Schmidt : I hate sleeping alone.

  Cece Parekh : Me, too.

  Schmidt : Sweet. Scha-weet..

  Cece Parekh : Better when you don't talk.

  Schmidt : Yeah.

  Cece Parekh : [taking his hand]  If you tell anyone we held hands, I have two people in my phone that will kill you. Literally.

• Winston Bishop : All right, take off that kimono, please.

  Schmidt : It's my leisure wear, Winston. Look, I worked 80 hours this week. I just want to come home, put on my 'mono, and just hang loose, man. Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.

  Winston Bishop : [insulted]  Real... really? Wow. It just got real in here. Okay, you're not gonna take the kimono off? Fine. Then I'm not wearing any pants.

  [yanking off his snap-on pants] 

  Winston Bishop : Boom! Bam! Mm-hmm. Everybody want to just walk around this house wearing all kinds of stupid stuff, then guess what I'm gonna do, Schmidt. I'm wearing a napkin on my face.

  [doing so] 

  Winston Bishop : Bam! How do you like that?

  Schmidt : That doesn't even make any sense, Winston.

  Winston Bishop : It makes perfect sense.

  Schmidt : It's totally different than me wearing my kimono. You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of samurai culture, and it's an affront, Winston. It's an affront.

  Winston Bishop : [putting napkins in his shirt collar, ears, and nose]  Look at me now, huh? This is the vibe we have in the house now because of you. You want to walk around here looking silly.

  Schmidt : This is hand-crafted! In China.

  Nick Miller : Schmidt, I think you should take the kimono off.

• Schmidt : I did it, man. I'm holding her hand right now. She's in my bed and she's asleep.

  Winston Bishop : Wait, so you're in... you're in the room right now? What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone.

  Schmidt : I did it. I closed.

  Winston Bishop : We could have had this conversation at any time.

  Schmidt : Shh, shh. Please, shh.

  [checking, he sees Cece is still asleep] 

  Schmidt : Okay, we're good.

  Winston Bishop : And just so we're clear, when I say "closing," this is not what I'm talking about.

  Schmidt : You need to define your terms. Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.

• Jess Day : I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.

  Schmidt : Ah, it's okay. I'm used to it. I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.

  Jess Day : It's not you. I love Cece, but she's not ready for you. You're a good guy, you know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose and concentrate on all the things that you do by accident.

  Schmidt : Thank you.

  Jess Day : She'd eat you up.

  Schmidt : You really think she'd eat me up?

  Jess Day : Yeah.

  Schmidt : Like buffet-style? You know, all you can eat? 'Cause I got that prime rib, yo. Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard, kids eat for free.

• Schmidt : Okay, Benjamin just invited us to a very cool party.

  Nick Miller : No. I just got off three back-to-back shifts at the bar. I just want to sit here all weekend in silence playing this game, then I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.

  Winston Bishop : Are you even wearing underwear? What is between you and that chair?

  Schmidt : Just a little bit of sunshine.

• Schmidt : [wearing a kimono a few sizes too small]  Friday night, gentlemen. It's on.

  Nick Miller : What happened to you?

  Schmidt : It's on and poppin' up in here, you feel?

  Nick Miller : What happened to you?

  Schmidt : What?

  Nick Miller : You didn't use to be like this, Schmidt.

  Schmidt : What are you talking about?

  Nick Miller : You've gotten so much worse.

  Schmidt : It's on and poppin'!

• Winston Bishop : [watching Cece sunbathe]  Look at her. Go for it, man. You know, go do your thing.

  Schmidt : I don't like the roof, man. There's a cat up here. It's crazy. It was raised by birds.

  Winston Bishop : You mean to tell me you're gonna let a cat stop you from all that?

  Schmidt : It's a bird-cat, man. It's very dangerous. Look it up. Double rabies.