- Jess Day: I got your text. Are you ready to go home?
- Cece Parekh: Ohh, thank you for coming. Jess, he was making out with another girl.
- Jess Day: You... get away from here.
- Gavin: Okay, are you, Ms. Pajama, okay? You're blocking my booth. Get out of here!
- Cece Parekh: Don't talk to her like that, okay? That is my best friend!
- Gavin: [she rips open his shirt] You ripped my deep V! This is my favorite deep V!
- Jess Day: [leading Cece away] It's just a deeper V.
- Schmidt: [getting a glimpse of Cece getting out of the shower] Did you see that cleavage? I just want to get my arm stuck down there. Like "127 Hours"-style. And then, and then...
- [pantomiming sawing his arm off]
- Schmidt: Just cut it for days. I don't care. I'll cut through the bone, the nerve.
- Winston Bishop: [a little disgusted] Schmidt!
- Nick Miller: [watching Schmidt and Winston dancing with Cece to loud music] This is the opposite of being alone! This is the opposite of what I wanted this weekend.
- Jess Day: We're just friends.
- Cece Parekh: You can't be friends with these guys. You don't think that every single one of them has thought about sleeping with you?
- Jess Day: No. You just think everyone wants to sleep with everyone all the time.
- Cece Parekh: They do. That's why I think that. Don't you hear how he says your name?
- [imitating Nick]
- Cece Parekh: Jess.
- Jess Day: He's from Chicago. That's how people from Chicago say "Jess."
- [with a Chicago accent]
- Jess Day: Like "Bears" and "milk." And "let's go visit the Sears Tower."
- Cece Parekh: I'm sorry for everything. I can be a jerk sometimes.
- Schmidt: I hate sleeping alone.
- Cece Parekh: Me, too.
- Schmidt: Sweet. Scha-weet..
- Cece Parekh: Better when you don't talk.
- Schmidt: Yeah.
- Cece Parekh: [taking his hand] If you tell anyone we held hands, I have two people in my phone that will kill you. Literally.
- Winston Bishop: All right, take off that kimono, please.
- Schmidt: It's my leisure wear, Winston. Look, I worked 80 hours this week. I just want to come home, put on my 'mono, and just hang loose, man. Okay? If you had a job, you'd understand.
- Winston Bishop: [insulted] Real... really? Wow. It just got real in here. Okay, you're not gonna take the kimono off? Fine. Then I'm not wearing any pants.
- [yanking off his snap-on pants]
- Winston Bishop: Boom! Bam! Mm-hmm. Everybody want to just walk around this house wearing all kinds of stupid stuff, then guess what I'm gonna do, Schmidt. I'm wearing a napkin on my face.
- [doing so]
- Winston Bishop: Bam! How do you like that?
- Schmidt: That doesn't even make any sense, Winston.
- Winston Bishop: It makes perfect sense.
- Schmidt: It's totally different than me wearing my kimono. You are laughing in the face of thousands of years of samurai culture, and it's an affront, Winston. It's an affront.
- Winston Bishop: [putting napkins in his shirt collar, ears, and nose] Look at me now, huh? This is the vibe we have in the house now because of you. You want to walk around here looking silly.
- Schmidt: This is hand-crafted! In China.
- Nick Miller: Schmidt, I think you should take the kimono off.
- Cece Parekh: Okay, do you hear what he is saying to you?
- Jess Day: Yes, I hear what he's saying.
- Cece Parekh: He's trying to tell you that he cares about you.
- Jess Day: No! He doesn't care about me.
- Cece Parekh: So I'm gonna make this happen for you.
- Jess Day: He cares about me as a friend.
- Cece Parekh: This is so on, Jess.
- Jess Day: No, it is not.
- Cece Parekh: [they start quasi-cat-fighting] Oh, it's on.
- Jess Day: Oh, on it is not.
- Cece Parekh: I'm trying to help you right...
- Jess Day: No.
- Cece Parekh: Okay, no, my face is my job. My face is my job. Okay.
- Jess Day: No! No! My earring.
- Cece Parekh: Okay.
- Jess Day: It is stuck in your hair.
- Schmidt: I did it, man. I'm holding her hand right now. She's in my bed and she's asleep.
- Winston Bishop: Wait, so you're in... you're in the room right now? What is wrong with you? Hang up the phone.
- Schmidt: I did it. I closed.
- Winston Bishop: We could have had this conversation at any time.
- Schmidt: Shh, shh. Please, shh.
- [checking, he sees Cece is still asleep]
- Schmidt: Okay, we're good.
- Winston Bishop: And just so we're clear, when I say "closing," this is not what I'm talking about.
- Schmidt: You need to define your terms. Because what I'm doing right now feels an awful lot like closing.
- Nick Miller: Seriously, Jess, what the hell happened? I've been driving around for the last hour looking for you.
- Cece Parekh: Everything is okay, and we were hoping to get everything out...
- Jess Day, Cece Parekh: On the table.
- Jess Day: The table which is not a table, it doesn't exist. So don't... don't worry about the table.
- Nick Miller: We were in the middle of traffic and you just got out and ran away.
- Jess Day: I was hot.
- Nick Miller: You were so hot that you had to jump out of my car and run? Why are you standing like that?
- Jess Day: This is how I stand.
- Nick Miller: I've never seen you stand like that. I was really worried something had happened to you, okay? And you can't just walk around this neighborhood with bags full of toilet paper that you don't even use.
- Cece Parekh: What?
- Jess Day: [whispering] I told him I don't use toilet paper.
- Jess Day: I'm sorry that Cece did this to you.
- Schmidt: Ah, it's okay. I'm used to it. I guess I'll just always be the fat kid with the big dreams.
- Jess Day: It's not you. I love Cece, but she's not ready for you. You're a good guy, you know, if you ignore everything that you do on purpose and concentrate on all the things that you do by accident.
- Schmidt: Thank you.
- Jess Day: She'd eat you up.
- Schmidt: You really think she'd eat me up?
- Jess Day: Yeah.
- Schmidt: Like buffet-style? You know, all you can eat? 'Cause I got that prime rib, yo. Carving station, plates are warm, sneeze guard, kids eat for free.
- Cece Parekh: Thanks for picking me up, Jess. I really felt that Gavin was different. Didn't you feel like he was different?
- Jess Day: Yeah. I mean, he seemed like a really nice European DJ with a face tattoo.
- Schmidt: Okay, Benjamin just invited us to a very cool party.
- Nick Miller: No. I just got off three back-to-back shifts at the bar. I just want to sit here all weekend in silence playing this game, then I want to go in my room and do weird stuff on my computer.
- Winston Bishop: Are you even wearing underwear? What is between you and that chair?
- Schmidt: Just a little bit of sunshine.
- Cece Parekh: What is wrong with you? I'm trying to help you here.
- Jess Day: No. I don't need your help. You don't know. Nick and I are friends. You don't know 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry, DJ Diabeat it.
- Cece Parekh: He has diabetes.
- Jess Day: Oh, he does? Boo-hoo.
- [seeing her reaction]
- Jess Day: I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.
- Cece Parekh: Oh, he's fine. He takes medication.
- Jess Day: Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.
- Cece Parekh: Okay, don't put this on me, Jess. Okay, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...
- Jess Day: Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
- Cece Parekh: Okay, what did you just say?
- Jess Day: You heard me, bitch.
- Nick Miller: I'm going to the drugstore. You need anything?
- Cece Parekh: Yes. Jess, you should go with him, 'cause then you can get that thing that you really need.
- Nick Miller: Oh, I wonder what it is.
- Cece Parekh: She'll be right out.
- [shutting the door on him]
- Cece Parekh: Just...
- Jess Day: [seeing her look] No. No! No, you are not coming in here and ruining all this. I'm happy. I like these guys, and I think they're actually starting to like me, too.
- Cece Parekh: Who did you tell me was your perfect man?
- Jess Day: Walter Matthau in "Grumpy Old Men." And I could be girl Jack Lemmon.
- Cece Parekh: He's a total Matthau! I'm telling you, he gets you. And did you see his feet? A guy's feet point at what they want. His feet were pointing right at you.
- Jess Day: Why wouldn't his feet point at me? Otherwise, he's standing like a duck.
- Nick Miller: Well, how long is she staying?
- Jess Day: Oh, not long. I know she can be tough to deal with. Sometimes she just calls me up and she's like, "Bitch, I love you." And then she just hangs up. No other information.
- Nick Miller: Weird.
- Jess Day: [with Cece's advice on her mind, she checks out another pair of shoppers' feet] But I don't know, I kind of like it when she calls me "bitch." It makes me feel like Janis Joplin.
- Schmidt: [wearing a kimono a few sizes too small] Friday night, gentlemen. It's on.
- Nick Miller: What happened to you?
- Schmidt: It's on and poppin' up in here, you feel?
- Nick Miller: What happened to you?
- Schmidt: What?
- Nick Miller: You didn't use to be like this, Schmidt.
- Schmidt: What are you talking about?
- Nick Miller: You've gotten so much worse.
- Schmidt: It's on and poppin'!
- Winston Bishop: [watching Cece sunbathe] Look at her. Go for it, man. You know, go do your thing.
- Schmidt: I don't like the roof, man. There's a cat up here. It's crazy. It was raised by birds.
- Winston Bishop: You mean to tell me you're gonna let a cat stop you from all that?
- Schmidt: It's a bird-cat, man. It's very dangerous. Look it up. Double rabies.
- Nick Miller: [buying roses for Jess] What do you mean no? Here, take some roses.
- Jess Day: [recoiling] No.
- Nick Miller: You want 'em? It's two dollars. It's not a big deal.
- Jess Day: I want them to go, no.
- Nick Miller: They're nice roses.
- [she gets out of the car]
- Nick Miller: Hey, what are you doing? Where are you going? Jess, it was a joke. What are you doing? Get back in the car.
- [she starts running up the street]
- Nick Miller: Where are you going?
- [she turns a corner]
- Nick Miller: That's not the way home.
- Jess Day: I walked home. I got out of the car and I walked home.
- Cece Parekh: Why, what happened?
- Jess Day: His feet were pointed directly at me the whole time. Did I do this? Am I dressing too provocatively? Do I need to get thicker pajamas? Maybe it's my posture. I have really sexy posture.
- Cece Parekh: You know what, don't worry about it. I will talk to him for you.
- Jess Day: No! No, you won't. That would be the worst, most life-ruining thing you could possibly...
- Cece Parekh: [Nick comes in] Hi, Nick.