Archer (TV Series)
Heart of Archness: Part I (2011)
H. Jon Benjamin: Sterling Archer
Photos
Quotes
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Rip Riley : I'm setting the autopilot, but this better not be a ruse.
Sterling Archer : A ruse? Brrring, brrring. Hello. Hi, it's the 1930s. Can we have our words and clothes and shitty airplane back?
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Sterling Archer : Sorry I ate so much food.
Rip Riley : Yeah, that was a pretty dick move.
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Sterling Archer : Come on. Don't do that. Don't ruin your post-coital bliss with a bunch of misplaced guilt.
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Sterling Archer : Hey! So, what happened was, somebody ordered room service, but the regular room service guy, uhh, he died, so I came in here, then I fell on the bed.
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Sterling Archer : [Threatening to throw the emergency beacon out of the lifeboat] I told you, I'm not going back there!
[Riley aims a flare gun at Archer]
Rip Riley : Well, you say that...
[Archer points his pistol at Riley]
Sterling Archer : Riley, no shit, I will shoot you.
Rip Riley : And then I'll shoot YOU with a flare, and then I'll use a D-ration to burn two survival crackers to make s'mores over the crackling fire that used to be your chest cavity.
[pause, then Archer lowers his gun]
Sterling Archer : Goddamn, dude.
Rip Riley : Sorry, but you're actin' really crazy.
Sterling Archer : Well, being a spy makes you crazy! I mean, what kinda job is that, where your fiancée gets murdered? Hello! Stress! And don't even get me started on my mother. I mean, she...
Rip Riley : She can be a steel-clad bitch. I know! Why do you think I left ISIS?
Sterling Archer : Wh - you were an ISIS agent?
Rip Riley : Briefly, way back. It didn't work out because, y'know, your mother...
Sterling Archer : Was impossible to please, right?
Rip Riley : [under his breath] God, if you only knew.
Sterling Archer : What?
Rip Riley : [Recovering quickly] How much your mom loves you... you would at least have the heart to tell her you're quittin' in person.
Sterling Archer : Yeesh. Rather get shot with a flare.
Rip Riley : Oh, man up! Talk to your mother, and then you can go be a bartender and destroy a new marriage every week.
Sterling Archer : Oh, come on, that marriage was doomed.
Rip Riley : And so are we, if we don't work together out here, so... truce?
Sterling Archer : Uh... yeah.
[a ship's bell rings in the distance]
Sterling Archer : And hey, we're not doomed. Look!
[a speedboat rapidly approaches the lifeboat]
Sterling Archer : Over here! Hey! Over here!
Rip Riley : No, no, no, quit waving, get down!
Sterling Archer : Don't you wanna get rescued?
Rip Riley : Yeah, but those could be pirates.
Sterling Archer : Wh - okay. Then I guess they'll just have to do till we find some cowboys and Indians.
Rip Riley : What?
Sterling Archer : What, what? What are you talking about?
[Cut to Archer and Riley, tied up aboard the pirates' speedboat]
Sterling Archer : I'm sorry. I didn't know pirates were... still a real thing.
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Sterling Archer : I'm going to be a pirate king.
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Sterling Archer : Sky-Captain of yesteryear!
Rip Riley : At least I'm not Sky-Captain of I-ran-away-from-home!
Sterling Archer : I didn't run away from home. I'm a grown man, whose fiancée was murdered in front of his very eyes, so excuse me for needing some time to grieve.
Rip Riley : By tending bar and banging newlyweds?
Sterling Archer : Apparently, that's my grieving process.
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Rip Riley : But those numbskulls who picked us up were so drunk...
Sterling Archer : Now that did see pirate-y.
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Sterling Archer : Uhh, yeah, crazy rich. She invented the splashless urinal cake.
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Sterling Archer : This is my manservant, Jerkens.
Rip Riley : Funny stuff.
Sterling Archer : Not now, Jerkens.
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Sterling Archer : So, I bet she'll pay whatever ransom you ask for. Splashless urinal cakes have been pretty good to us, as you can imagine.
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Sterling Archer : [shouting] Woohoohoohoo! Two personal records! For breath holding and number of sharks shot in the frickin' face!
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[Riley wakes up aboard the seaplane, handcuffed and with a black eye, to find Archer mixing a drink]
Rip Riley : Ehhhh... what the - what the holy - what in holy hell are you doin'?
Sterling Archer : Well, it was gonna be an Old Fashioned, but I couldn't find any bitters, so I, uh...
Rip Riley : Jesus Christ. How long was I out?
Sterling Archer : It's hard to say. After I shaved and stuff, I took a pretty long nap, so...
Rip Riley : Uncuff me, you idiot! Holy God, if we overshot our chance to refuel...
Sterling Archer : I thought you put it on autopilot!
Rip Riley : It just maintains course and altitude! It doesn't know how to find THE ONLY AIRSTRIP WITHIN A THOUSAND MILES SO IT CAN LAND ITSELF WHEN IT NEEDS GAS!
Sterling Archer : Then I, uh... misunderstood the concept.
Rip Riley : Uncuff me!
Sterling Archer : Okay! God! Wait, first promise you won't take me back to ISIS.
Rip Riley : ISIS? You'll be lucky if I can get us back to land! Now uncuff me!
Sterling Archer : Okay! God! Wait a minute, is this a ruse?
[One of the plane's engines sputters and shorts out]
Sterling Archer : Because if it is... pretty elaborate.
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[the seaplane's second engine dies]
Rip Riley : Damn it, there goes number two!
Sterling Archer : But it can land on water, right? I mean, isn't that the whole point?
Rip Riley : It's a kinda different story when we're droppin' like a ton of bricks!
Sterling Archer : Oh.
Rip Riley : Goddamn, I can barely hold her level!
Sterling Archer : You want me to help steer, or...
Rip Riley : [Furious] Haven't you done enough already?
Sterling Archer : How is this suddenly my fault?
[Rip gives him a hard look]
Rip Riley : Okay, this is it! Come on, Lucy Goosey, you can do it! Lookin' good, girl!
[the plane levels out just above the ocean surface]
Rip Riley : I think we're gonna be okay!
Sterling Archer : Wait! You didn't put the wheels down!
Rip Riley : The what? No, no, what are you d -
[Archer jabs a button; the landing gear drops and skims the water]
Rip Riley : NOOOOO!
[the plane crashes]
