The Final Girls (2015)

Alia Shawkat: Gertie Michaels

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Quotes 

• Max Cartwright : Gertie, you're a virgin.

  Gertie Michaels : No. Well, not anymore. Last summer with that guy, Jerry. He had like the weird mustache and he, like, winked. Remember?

  Vicki Summers : Isn't he autistic?

  Gertie Michaels : Yeah. Yeah. He is. But he was also very romantic.

• Vicki Summers : Gertie, I'm sorry for that time in junior high when I told everyone to start calling you Ba-Chunk-a-Dunk, and then I covered your locker in bacon. That was so crappy and I'm so sorry! I'm such a bad person.

  Gertie Michaels : You're not, it's okay. If it makes you feel better, last summer I'm the one who spread the rumor that said you had a weird disease where you were always on your period.

  Vicki Summers : Wow, that's evil!

  Gertie Michaels : Thank you.

• [the kids find themselves living inside of the old slasher movie that they were watching] 

  Duncan : Okay. So, we're in the movie.

  Max Cartwright : Uh-huh. How do we get out of here?

  Gertie Michaels : Yeah, I like that question. That is a really, really good question. Duncan, can you answer that question, please?

  Duncan : What are you talking about? It's 1986! Our homes don't exist yet, they're probably just landfills waiting to be turned into crappy subdivisions. WE don't exist yet. I know for a fact my parents haven't met because I was an unplanned child.

• Gertie Michaels : She's probably gonna pee on him just to mark her territory.

• Duncan : The Bathematicians were so excited when I told them that Amanda Cartwright's daughter was my sister's best friend.

  Gertie Michaels : Stepsister.

  Duncan : Why would you say that? That's so hurtful.

• Gertie Michaels : You know that Chris broke up with Vicki last week, right? And she is a mess! Have you seen the veiled suicide note/poem she posted on her Facebook page? It's so hilarious! I read it out loud to myself. A lot!

• Gertie Michaels : Hey, just keep on keepin' on.

  Max Cartwright : What does that even mean?

  Gertie Michaels : It's something my therapist tells me all the time.

  Max Cartwright : You have a therapist?

  Gertie Michaels : Mmm-hmm.

  Max Cartwright : Does it help you deal?

  Gertie Michaels : No, not really. She's a physical therapist, so...

• Gertie Michaels : Maybe we're dead and this is Heaven.

  Vicki Summers : This can't be Heaven. Max is here and she's Jewish.

  Gertie Michaels : Oh, right. Well, maybe it's Jewish Heaven.

• Chris Briggs : What are Bathematicians?

  Duncan : Camp Bloodbath fans. It's kind of our awesome nickname.

  Gertie Michaels : Did you know that a nickname immediately becomes uncool when you give it to yourself?

• Blake : So wait, is new wave real?

  Gertie Michaels : Yeah. Yeah, of course.

  Blake : But I'M not real?

  Gertie Michaels : You're only real in the movie. So yeah, you're real here.

  Blake : Oh, cool.

• Gertie Michaels : Max, do you want to jot any of this down or...

  Chris Briggs : Oh, no, it's okay, Max. I've already got a copy. You can copy from me later or I can give it to you if you... If you want. I'm gonna stop talking.