- Troy Barnes: Vice Dean Laybourne. You have a beard. And a ponytail.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: I'm going through some stuff right now, Troy. Don't worry about it.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You never lived anywhere! You're a weapon designed for sex. You only THINK you lived in New York because I implanted memories.
- Annie Edison: Aah!
- Britta Perry: Whoa!
- Jeff Winger: Oh, jeez.
- Garrett Lambert: There's a situation developing in the study room! I'd elaborate, but I'm out of breath because I walked here very briskly!
- Jeff Winger: Well, according to the office, this is the locker of the only Kim I've had any class with since 2009.
- Annie Edison: Wonder what you did to make her so mad. Maybe the two of you made out, and then you forgot about her.
- Jeff Winger: Annie, that's what you think of me? I don't make out with forgettable women.
- Abed Nadir: You can't connect the blanket fort to the pillow fort and still call it a pillow fort. Even if you could, I'd rather see my work destroyed than compromise it.
- Dean Pelton: Great, Abed will destroy his pillow fort, and Troy will expand his blanket fort into the space. Everyone wins. Except Abed, but you know, not everyone can win.
- Subway Rep: Well, if that'll be all, I'll be on my way. If someone could hand me my jacket.
- Pierce Hawthorne: It's right over there on the coat rack next to the door.
- Subway Rep: If somebody could just hand it to me, that would be great.
- Dean Pelton: I guess I'm confused. Why don't you just grab it on your way out the door...
- [interrupted]
- Subway Rep: You know what? Now I'm not leaving. Now I'm just going to sit for a while and focus on how unacceptable today was.
- Dean Pelton: Gang, meet Greendale's newest student, Subway.
- Troy Barnes: Your name is Subway?
- Subway: Yep, using a groundbreaking, but surprisingly legal process known as corpo-humanisation. Real people such as myself are now allowed to represent the collective humanity of business owners. I have contractually waived my birth identity, and am now a man and student named Subway.
- [Hands Troy his student pass]
- Troy Barnes: I don't believe this. Come on, Subway, there is no way you're 5'10".
- Jeff Winger: So, you can vote?
- Subway: Actually no, because technically I'm only a week old.
- Annie Edison: Awww.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Dean? I assume you're familiar with the Greendale bylaws.
- Dean Pelton: [Confidently] I am... not.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Shirley, you do the honors. My brain starts getting weird this time of night.
- Jeff Winger: It's 10 a.m.
- Pierce Hawthorne: You're welcome.
- Dean Pelton: Wow, did you know Greendale students are technically in the Army Reserves?
- [Touches Jeff's shoulder]
- Dean Pelton: Let's say a little prayer for peace.
- Britta Perry: That's too bad, Dean. I don't recall seeing Subway in my premenopausal, postfeminist experiential marketing class.
- Subway: Actually, I'm on the wait list for the premen/postfem/ex mark.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: You guys watch that television show together, don't you? Inspector Spacetime. Funny, Troy. You and Abed have always reminded me of the inspector and his trusty constable Reggie.
- Troy Barnes: [chuckles] Cool!
- Vice Dean Laybourne: The inspector, of course, is smart, decisive, and Reggie is... well, he's Reggie.
- Troy Barnes: Reggie is trained in zero-gravity martial arts and has a whistle.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: [under his breath] Yeah.
- [normal voice]
- Vice Dean Laybourne: But he never really gets to blow the whistle unless the inspector says it's okay. Less of a friendship, more of a self-centered nerd and his naive, obedient lapdog. Well, I got a thing. You take care.
- [exits leaving Troy dumbfounded]
- Jeff Winger: [at Annie's locker] Well, have fun.
- [exits and returns]
- Jeff Winger: Wait, since when do we have lockers?
- Annie Edison: Uh, since registration day, 2009. Jeff, did you skip the Preorientation Freshman Welcome Seminar and Diversity Fire Circle? This explains so much about you.
- Jeff Winger: Are you saying I've had a locker here for 2 1/2 years?
- [cut to Jeff opening his now located locker]
- Jeff Winger: Whoa, whoa. Wow.
- [reading old flyers spilling from his locker]
- Jeff Winger: "Halloween dance." "Post-Halloween dance." "Dance contest." "Contest dance." Oh, come on. What's this? "Save Garrett"? What's wrong with Garrett?
- Annie Edison: Nothing now. We saved him.
- Garrett Lambert: [struggling with water fountain] Aah!
- Jeff Winger: Wait, that's "saved" Garrett?
- Abed Nadir: Yeah, and we're going to build a super awesome pillow fort here at the school.
- Britta Perry: Another pillow fort? Kind of repeating yourselves, aren't you?
- Abed Nadir: That was a blanket fort. This will be a pillow fort. Way more difficult, way better.
- Troy Barnes: All difficult things are better, like carrying a disease or holding in a fart right now.
- Shirley Bennett: Uh, Britta... You're a, uh, progressive woman of a more... liberated looseness. You could get close to Subway and find out some dirt on him.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Corporate espionage. I like it. Microphones hidden in lipstick. Lipstick hidden in microphones. And the deadliest weapon of them all: The penis flytrap.
- Britta Perry: Okay! This conversation is over. I am not a whore, and not that I've done the math, but if I were, I'd be the super classy kind that gets flown to Dubai to stay in an underwater hotel.
- Jeff Winger: [Reading a letter] "Dear Jeff, this might come as a shock to someone who thinks he's God's gift to the world, but you're actually an inconsiderate jerk. Kim." Inconsiderate?
- Annie Edison: Who's Kim?
- Jeff Winger: I don't know, and clearly she doesn't know me.
- Student: [Annie sneezes] Gesundheit.
- Jeff Winger: I didn't sneeze.
- [scoffs]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Top-notch whoresmanship, Britta.
- Shirley Bennett: Pierce!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Sorry. Whoreswomanship. Forgot it was the '90s.
- Britta Perry: Am I the only person enraged by the fact that corporations are taking human form? I totally predicted this in my High School newspaper column "Britta unfiltered."
- Pierce Hawthorne: Unfiltered. I get it.
- Britta Perry: Get what?
- Guy: Can I help you?
- Jeff Winger: We're looking for Kim McFadden. This is her locker, right?
- Guy: Are you serious?
- Jeff Winger: She slipped a note into my locker a couple years ago. I guess I pissed her off somehow. I'm hoping to apologize.
- Guy: That might not be easy. Kim's no longer with us. She died two weeks ago.
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Guy: Sorry to drop that on you and run, but there's a rally for Garrett.
- Guy: But we saved him.
- Guy: Did we?
- Jeff Winger: Annie, you've got to get me into this sleep lab. I can't think of a better use of my time here than being unconscious.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, are you okay?
- Jeff Winger: I'm lying on campus furniture, so no.
- Annie Edison: Is it about this Kim girl?
- Jeff Winger: She is someone who died thinking I was a dick. I can never apologize. I can never change her mind. That makes me a dick forever.
- Annie Edison: You think that's what an apology is? A spell you cast on another person to make them forgive you? Apologies are opportunities to admit your own mistakes. Apologize to her locker.
- Jeff Winger: But how can I apologize if I don't know what I did wrong?
- Annie Edison: Well, didn't she call you inconsiderate? Sounds to me like you know exactly what you did wrong.
- Subway: [Britta sighs] Powerful passage, isn't it? "She had become a physical necessity."
- Britta Perry: You circled this paragraph.
- Subway: I can't say that I did. I just think it's a striking expression of love's ability to persevere within the cracks and cogs of inhuman systems.
- Britta Perry: Who were you, Subway, before you were Subway?
- Subway: I can't say. I have to live within the rules. This identity is my life.
- Britta Perry: Yep, that's me, the girl who's going to destroy the big sandwich company with the dreamy eyes.
- Jeff Winger: Leonard, what are you doing?
- Leonard: Abed's fort needs pillows.
- Jeff Winger: But I was going to lie there.
- Leonard: I was going to invest in IBM in 1952, but life is full of disappointments.
- Jeff Winger: [carrying a bouquet of flowers] Kim. It's me, Jeff. The inconsiderate jerk. Look, I don't remember hurting you, and I have to assume that's what hurt you. God knows what crime you've committed to deserve me disregarding you entirely. But whatever your crime, I think we both know the real crime is mine. I'm a self-centered, shallow jackass.
- [Annie nods her head in agreement]
- Jeff Winger: And I just want to... thank you for your note because I'm going to try and change. I just wish you were here to forgive me.
- Guy: I am. And I do. I'm Kim.
- Jeff Winger: What? You said Kim was dead.
- Guy: Because you never remember who I am. First year, we hung out, like, ten times. And each time, you introduced yourself to me. That's why I wrote that note. And then today, it's like you still don't remember me. And... and you still assume from my name that I am a girl. I had no choice but to make up that awesome story about a dead chick to hurt you like you hurt me. I am so sorry... Kim. Right?
- Guy: Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that?
- [Jeff embraces Kim]
- Annie Edison: What the hell is this crap?
- Jeff Winger: Annie, this is Kim. I think because he had a girl's name, I never took him seriously.
- Guy: It happens literally all the time, which is insane because 16% of all people named Kim are men.
- [chuckles]
- Jeff Winger: I'm sorry, buddy.
- Annie Edison: Don't apologize to this guy.
- Jeff Winger: You told me to apologize.
- Annie Edison: To a dead girl's locker. I thought I was representing the sisterhood. Thought I was teaching you a lesson about all the girls you dominate and then ignore. Not to waste your energy on some weird, cloying, hypersensitive stalker with a girl's name.
- Guy: Hey! You are really mean.
- Annie Edison: Put it in a letter, Jane Austen.
- [Annie storms off]
- Annie Edison: Jeff. I wanted to apologize. I never realized I had my own issues regarding gender roles, and it was certainly unfair of me to take them out on Kim.
- Jeff Winger: Mm. Who's Kim?
- Britta Perry: [demanding] What's going on?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I'll ask the questions here. You had sex with Subway, and I recorded it.
- Subway Rep: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm. You know what, I'm going to let this one slide.
- Pierce Hawthorne, Shirley Bennett: [unison] What?
- Subway Rep: I know we have very strict rules against romantic entanglements with our corpohumanoids, but at this point in time, we can't stop them from having hearts. These two are clearly in love. If they want to express that love in a perfectly healthy way, then... okay, hold on. Th... is this what I think it is? That got unhealthy real quick. That... okay, that's... yeah, that's weird. That is well out of the mainstream. You know, I was raised in the... the Bay Area, but I... I'm a father now.
- [removes headphones and clears throat]
- Subway Rep: Subway cannot stand for that, and frankly, Rick, I... I'm surprised you did.
- Subway: My name is Subway.
- Subway Rep: Not anymore.
- [speaking into his shirt sleeve]
- Subway Rep: The bread is stale.
- Subway: No! No!
- Dean Pelton: Oh, my God.
- Britta Perry: Subway, I love you!
- Subway: Britta!
- Pierce Hawthorne: Shut up.
- Britta Perry: [whispers, glaring at Pierce] How could you?
- [Pierce silently glares back]
- Abed Nadir: Prepare to initiate Protocol Omega. Good-bye, pillow fort.
- [Abed reaches for the self-destruct sock]
- Abed Nadir: You were a beautiful dream.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: More than a dream.
- [Abed releases the self-destruct and turns to look at Vice Dean]
- Vice Dean Laybourne: It's here.
- Abed Nadir: Who are you?
- Vice Dean Laybourne: Someone who understands dedication to craftsmanship in the face of mediocrity. This world is run by the unremarkables. Don't do what you always do, Abed. Don't corrupt the host to pacify the parasites. Ask yourself... "What if I stopped worrying about their acceptance of me?" What if it fell to the Reggies of the world to keep up with the inspectors or perish? Now please turn your head while I crawl away. I'm going through some stuff right now. I'm very insecure.
- [Abed turns away]
- Britta Perry: Corporate America has destroyed love.
- Annie Edison: Again?
- Britta Perry: Subway! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.
- Subway #2: Britta, you silly. It is me, Subway.
- Britta Perry: What?
- Subway #2: I had a great time with you last night in the pillow fort, the one exception being the deviant sex act you initiated without my consent.
- [kisses Britta on the forehead]
- Subway #2: Eat fresh.
- [exits]
- Britta Perry: You should try reading Orwell's "1984."
- Subway: I have. It's a great book. It really awakened me in high school. I think kids should be forced to read it.
- Britta Perry: Me too. Anyway, you're living it. You're a human puppet with big sandwich's hand up your ass. Is this what you dreamt of being?
- Subway: Unfortunately I'm not allowed to discuss my former life or engage in any nonplatonic relations, practice religion in public, or eat any nonfresh, unhealthy food like that found anywhere outside Subway.