- Harry Vanderspeigle: You're leaving because I told you to leave.
- Joseph Rainier: Uh, no. I just happen to want to leave so badly that I don't care about staying just so you don't think that I'm leaving because you told me to leave.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: The only thing I understood in that was "leave."
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Is it too much to ask for to find an independent woman who only does what I want?
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I thought maybe if I put in a pool, she'd want to stay.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: You can count me out. I don't swim in water somebody else is tea-bagging.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: I'm pretty sure we'd be wearing bathing suits.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Shit, water don't care. You wrap a tea bag in a Speedo and you put it in some water, you still gonna get a cup of tea that tastes like your nuts.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Joseph is a Grey alien. You can't go on another date with him.
- Asta Twelvetrees: It's not a date. I just have to sit across from the guy at dinner and keep him interested in staying.
- D'Arcy Bloom: That sounds like every date I've ever been on.
- Deputy Liv Baker: My grandmother's secret recipe. The day I took it from her drawer, she threw a toaster at my head. She was tough, but she was also why I went undefeated in dodgeball.
- D'Arcy Bloom: Pull me up or I'll put a sign in the bar that says Harry Vanderspeigle kicks dogs.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not. Who tells these lies?
- D'Arcy Bloom: Me, you idiot. I just made it up.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh.
- D'Arcy Bloom: And people will believe me because you have a dog-kicking face.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I do not!
- D'Arcy Bloom: Stupid cell phone companies. They shut off my service again just for not paying my bill. I am done with them.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: How did you get past security? His fortress is impenetrable.
- Max Hawthorne: Door was unlocked.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Son of a bitch.
- Dan Twelvetrees: Oh, no. You're an alien? You think I give a shit? You can't swing a dead cat in this town without hitting an alien.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Asta, do you prefer a confetti cake or a red velvet cake? I think pie, because if you are unable to finish it, I'll eat it.
- Asta Twelvetrees: I'm gonna regret asking, but why?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, there is a beautiful ritual on my planet that whenever we send off a volunteer on a suicide mission, we prepare for them a last meal.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Humans spend their entire lives believing they are special. Even after they die, they do everything in their power to remain special forever- tombstones, plaques, old libraries with their names on them. Not long ago, the smartest minds on Earth believed the sun revolved around them.
- Judy Cooper: And you guys get started on the renovating. Oh, you know what, though? I wouldn't pull up the floorboards, definitely not the ones in the basement. Unless you guys like skeletons, which some people do. We can list it on Halloween. Boo!
- Deputy Liv Baker: Oh, no. You're not talking. Are you ghosting her?
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: Ghosts talk, Deputy. That's one of the main things ghosts do. If somebody has something to say and then they die before they say it, they turn ghost. They write on fogged-up mirrors. They whisper in your ear before you fall asleep at night. They turn bathwater into blood. Okay? That's communicating.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I do like her, a lot. I mean, Lena's an amazing woman. She's smart. She's beautiful. She's got great taste in tactical knives.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I have a joke for you. What has three heads and it has to get out of my house and it's you?
- Leo: Us?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Oh, you've heard it.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: E.T. could fly a bicycle. E.T. had a flashlight for a finger. Do you know what it's like to be constantly compared to that waddling sex doll?
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Listen only to the sound of my voice. When you wake up, you will remember nothing of this, but you will still pay me for the hour.
- Mayor Ben Hawthorne: [having photographs taken of his feet] It's just too weird.
- Sheriff Mike Thompson: I know what you're doing. You're trying to make it sound dirty. It's not. It's not dirty. Now ah... spread your toes for me.
- Joseph Rainier: [Harry crumples a parking ticket, lifts it above his head] Littering is a fifty dollar fine.
- Harry Vanderspeigle: I know that. I'm... putting it in my truck.
- [tosses it into his truck - laughs and pours his coffee onto he ground]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: It's not littering if it's liquid.
- [to himself]
- Harry Vanderspeigle: Now I need to get another coffee.