Two Night Stand (2014)

Miles Teller: Alec

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alec : She can do that? She can refuse my bail, are you serious? Okay, uh, look, I just need to talk to her.

  Police Clerk : You can only visit during visiting hours, and if and only if the person wants to see you, which I'm going to guess she doesn't being that she'd rather be locked in jail than see your face.

  Alec : Wow... rude.

• Megan : This is what I deserve, it's penance.

  Alec : Wow, that is officially the worst review my oatmeal has ever received.

  Megan : It's what I get for slutting it up.

  Alec : Um, so you really think God made this blizzard punish to you for being slutty?

  Megan : No, I don't think God did it. That's ridiculous. I think my grandmother did, and I just don't know how.

  Alec : Right, that makes sense. Well, I would prefer not to spend the next twenty four hours in an uncomfortable silence with you, so why don't we just pretend that we never had sex? It didn't happen. And then we can pretend that it's just the weather and not your passive-aggressive magical grandmother.

  Megan : No, that's like trying to get the toothpaste back into the tube - you can't do it. It is out there. I have seen your penis. You've implied I'm a slut. Those are big things.

  Alec : Did you just call my penis big?

  Megan : Uh, no, no, I did not. I called the implication of your penis big.

  Alec : Well, it's still nice to hear.

• Alec : Look at 'em, a million tiny, little matchmakers. Thank you, snowflakes.

• Daisy : [about their breakup note]  I see what's going on here. You read this, and then you wanted me to find this slutty little lipstick haiku so that you could be the one who ended us.

  Alec : It's not a haiku; there's not enough syllables.

• [while going down on a pleasantly satisfied Megan] 

  Alec : Japanese alphabet... thank you Rosetta Stone.

• Megan : I bet you $150 bucks you're going to die alone.

  Alec : Well, my future smoking hot widow will gladly accept your money.

• Alec : You couldn't just shit in the sink, huh?

• Megan : [Alec put's on the song "Anything, Anything" by Dramarama on his record player]  You should turn this off.

  Alec : You don't like this song?

  Megan : Oh no, I love this song. It's gonna wanna make me wanna dance.

  Alec : Yes you should.

  Megan : No.

  Alec : Yes.

  Megan : Trust me.

  Alec : Oh, are you like a bad dancer?

  Megan : Oh, no. No, no, no. I am an epic dancer, but you see... see if you see me dance, you'll follow me around like a little puppy dog and it'll be embarrassing for us both. So you have to stay here. For your own safety, trust me on that one.

• Alec : [to Megan after he kisses her]  You taste like prison.

• Megan : [looking into Alec's empty refrigerator]  We're gonna starve.

  Alec : Not if you like mustard.

• Megan : [Megan is trying to walk carefully around the overflowing toilet]  It's cold and gross.

  [Megan lifts up the toilet seat to see the water is overflowing so she tries to turn the valve] 

  Megan : It just keeps coming.

  Alec : Hey, you gotta turn the knob!

  Megan : No, I mean the punishments from the universe. It's a flood, it's practically biblical. Where the fuck is your plunger?

  Alec : It should be right next to the, um... aw, shit, I let my buddy borrow my plunger, dammit! That's why you never let your friends borrow plungers.

  Megan : There's like a thousand reasons.

• [Alec blows a raspberry on Megan's stomach during sex] 

  Megan : No! If there is one thing that you take away from this whole experience... never.

  Alec : Sorry, I was trying to cool you off.

  Megan : My dad used to give me those and now I'm just thinking about my dad.

  Alec : Ew, that's gross, I'm sorry.

• Megan : [after take off her clothes]  Is that sort of what you had in mind?

  Alec : Yeah, that's good. That's pretty good, you got the hang of that, mm-hmm.

  Megan : [happily]  Good.

• Megan : [while playing ping pong]  So earlier you asked what I did for a living and I kinda got a little feisty.

  Alec : You, feisty? Can't picture it.

  Megan : Well, the answer is... I am less-then-employed at the moment. I don't do anything. See, last year I was able to say, "I'm a premed student, " which sounds kind of impressive, right? Uh, but then I graduated and I'm not allowed to say it anymore.

  Alec : Um... I think your profile said premed student.

  Megan : Yeah, no, I just haven't changed it yet.

  Alec : But didn't you make the profile like two days ago? That's weird.

  Megan : What is this, like an interrogation?

  Alec : You got something to hide?

  Megan : No, I just... I think I'm just in that limbo phase. It's not like your degree has instructions on it.

• Alec : Women are most honest when they're trying to hurt somebody's feelings.

• Megan : [Alec is playing one-person ping pong and it is annoying Megan who is working on a labtop]  Do you... possibly have headphones?

  [Alec stops] 

  Megan : Thank you.

  Alec : Um, Megan?

  Megan : Uh, what happened?

  Alec : Uh, what happened, you happened. What is that?

  [they see toilet water is running under the door] 

  Megan : God!

  [puts down the laptop] 

  Megan : Ahh!

  Alec : Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it.

  Megan : No, no, no, no, you just- you step away, you are not cleaning that up. You will just hold it over my head, go... to... your... room! I can handle this.

• Alec : Hey. I just thought of an idea that could fix everything. Do you want to get high?

  [no response] 

  Alec : Yeah, me neither. That was just a test. I didn't know if you were a cop.