- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, all bets are off! If this movie can't even represent a dead person by getting his GENDER right, NOT making up a false romance, AND A CHILD MOLESTING STORY, ALL OF IT FABRICATED, I'm sorry, I've worked my way up to this joke. Remember that scene that I brought up earlier?
- Patch: What if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What's wrong with that? Does the doctor explode?
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, if you count bullets blowing up the head of your fictional dead girlfriend, yes! YES, THEY FUCKING DO!
- Nostalgia Critic: I mean, I know a person really was murdered in real life, but it wasn't the same way, it wasn't the same time, and it wasn't even the same GENDER as they are saying here. And what is so strange about this is that it totally proves why the method they're so poorly trying to convey to us wouldn't work: people DO make bad choices when they're emotional, and bad things DO happen. Again, the REAL teachings of the REAL Hunter Adams are much smarter than this, and by trying to simplify it to such a disgusting, fictionalized degree is absolutely horrible! Let me tell YOU something, movie: maybe YOU should've been "emotionally invested" when you were representing the life of a man, his theories, his friends, his real-life practices and his ACTUAL HARD WORK!
- [points at the camera with a middle finger]
- Nostalgia Critic: *FUCK... YOOOOOOOUUUU!*
- Nostalgia Critic: [after Patch asks a patient's name in the middle of a demonstration] Alright, are you telling me that years and years of medical research and we never put together until the early '70s that there is a difference between not being emotionally involved and not being a dick? Who would talk that way in front of a patient? Even back then? It's called bedside manner, that existed before Patch Adams. I mean, this kind of misrepresentation is just giving him all the more reason to do stupid things like...
- [Patch imitates a space alien]
- Nostalgia Critic: Ho-ho, I was in a mental ward, can ya tell?
- [Patch now acts like a clown, then a cowboy]
- Nostalgia Critic: Awesome, that's really great work. Be a clown. I mean, you're clearly not doing anything here representing a doctor, go to hospitals and cheer people up. That's fine, I have no problem. But I'm sorry, if choosing my doctor comes between this:
- Dr. Eaton: Stablize the blood sugar, consider antibiotics. Possible amputation.
- Nostalgia Critic: And this:
- Patch: [acts like a space alien]
- Nostalgia Critic: I'm choosing the amputate guy. I don't trust him with a saw!
- Nostalgia Critic: So seeing this somehow gets him thinking about how many people don't have health insurance, so he starts his own hospital in a house to practice medicine... without a license, and starts seeing patients for free. Okay, nice thought, but get your fucking license! I mean, good God that's horrible. That's almost as bad as stealing from a hospital.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Patch steals supplies from the hospital] Movie, did you even say this part out loud? Your hero is stealing from a hospital. Do you think that would look good on the poster? "Patch Adams. He Steals from Hospitals." I wouldn't see that!
- Patch: They're going to find out I borrowed supplies.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, borrowing implies you asked, asshole.
- Nostalgia Critic: [about the real Patch Adams] Look the guy up, donate to his hospital if you want, just don't believe anything in this
- [movie]
- Nostalgia Critic: Shit fuck fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck!
- Patch: What's wrong with death, sir?
- Nostalgia Critic: Did a man who wants to save lives really just say that?
- Nostalgia Critic: If you want to talk about the benefits of emotional interaction with your patients, fine. If you want to talk about new forms of practicing medicine and treating people, fine. But do it as a fucking ADULT! Not this childish, poorly-written, non-factual bullshit!
- Nostalgia Critic: [Patch is leaving to learn more about people] Wonderful. I'm sure you'll be a wonderful psychiatrist. Or medical doctor; I guess they're practically the same thing.
- Nostalgia Critic: We see Patch checking himself into a mental institution because he's suicidal. Now, is it me or would they put the suicidal person in a less threatening "Holy shit, I wanna shoot myself" location than this?
- [in the movie, an insane roommate starts screaming and whipping his pillow; Patch pounds on the door, calling for help]
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I'd be afraid of a Fisher King reunion, too.
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: Laughter is the best medicine.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, medicine is the best medicine.
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: What, you don't trust a doctor who looks like this?
- Nostalgia Critic: No, I don't.
- Nostalgia Critic: So how is the raunchy Williams going to make his entrance in this film? Wait, is this the actually funny Robin Williams or the shoving-inspiration-down-your-throat-until-you-puke Robin Williams?
- ["Puke" appears on screen]
- Nostalgia Critic: Cue the piano.
- Patch: What if a doctor becomes emotionally involved with a patient? What's wrong with that? Does the doctor explode?
- Nostalgia Critic: You know what, I'm just gonna take that scene, I'm gonna put it away and I am going to save it for later, because, trust me, that scene is really going to stab this movie in the ass later... No, don't touch that!
- [goes to commercial break; after break, the Critic pushes the commercial screen away]
- Nostalgia Critic: BAD SCENE! THAT'S A BAD, BAD SCENE!
- Nostalgia Critic: Our healer, everybody. When he's done making fun of what's wrong with you, he goes down to the orphanage to mock the kids with no parents. Oh, wait, wait, that's right, Adams is the hero because the big, bad establishment doesn't want people laughing.
- Nostalgia Critic: In fact, most of the time, I don't even want to know what the problem is. I just want to focus on the solution.
- Guy with Problem: Nostalgia Critic, there's a...
- Nostalgia Critic: Ah-ba-ba-ba, don't tell me the problem, I only want to focus on the solution. I see... a banana. Use a banana.
- Guy with Problem: A banana's gonna put out a fire?
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes, it is.
- Guy with Problem: I don't think that's...
- Nostalgia Critic: Are you part of the establishment?
- Guy with Problem: No.
- Nostalgia Critic: Then use the banana!
- [Guy can be heard screaming off camera]
- Nostalgia Critic: There, now, you see? You didn't believe the banana would work, and that's why you're on fire.
- Nostalgia Critic: So he goes to the dean of medicine, and like a doofus, he lets him back in. Oh Good, that means we can have an emotional death scene with one of the patients.
- [the man's family leaves]
- Nostalgia Critic: That's right, out, family. Out, out. You're not allowed in here while your dad's on his death bed. Only Patch is allowed to have an emotional scene with him. You're so silly for thinking you could do that.
- [eventually, the man awkwardly lays his head down, indicating that he is dead]
- Nostalgia Critic: I am so glad the family wasn't there to witness that. Shaking the head and then thumping it against the pillow. No child should ever have to see such a horrible performance.
- Judge: We find your methods less than appealing. Your appearance and your demeanor do not reflect what we believe is necessary to earn a patient's trust and respect.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, however.
- Judge: You openly accuse us of adhering to time-honored practices...
- Nostalgia Critic: However.
- Judge: For years have been the backbone...
- Nostalgia Critic: However. However!
- Judge: However...
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: [pointing to his clown nose] Look, a red nose. It's funny.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, it isn't.
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, it isn't.
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, it isn't.
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, it isn't.
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: It's funny.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, it isn't.
- [Dr. Spasms takes off his nose and throws it at the Critic]
- Nostalgia Critic: Ow!
- [Dr. Spasms then hops away cartoonishly, whooping like Daffy Duck as he does so]
- [in the movie, Patch is trying to break through programmed response by changing normal parameters and getting a new emotional response from the person; he tries it out on an old lady nearby; she laughs at him]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, that's a rational response and not some contrived screenwriting devi...
- [he suddenly gets hit in the face by a red clown nose]
- Nostalgia Critic: OW!
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: [returning] Ho-ho! You see? I connected with you!
- Nostalgia Critic: No, you didn't, you hit me in the face!
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: Wait for it...
- [he looks back and forth between his watch and the Critic scowling at him, then throws his clown nose at the Critic again]
- Nostalgia Critic: OW!
- [Dr. Spasms hops away cartoonishly again]
- Nostalgia Critic: You know, I'm really regretting writing this character.
- Nostalgia Critic: [feeling downbeat] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. As you can probably tell by my voice, I'm just getting over an illness. It was either brought on by natural circumstances or the film I saw was so bad it made me physically sick. Either one wouldn't surprise me! So, the doctor says I should be fine, though, as long as I get plenty of rest and relaxa...
- [suddenly, he gets hit in the face by a clown nose]
- Nostalgia Critic: OW!
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: Ho-ho! Don't you know? The cure for anything, anywhere, is laughter! Ho-ho!
- Nostalgia Critic: Who are you?
- Dr. Bitch Spasms: I'm Dr. Bitch Spasms, and I'm here to make you laugh! Ho-ho!
- Nostalgia Critic: But I don't wanna laugh, I wanna get better.
- Nostalgia Critic: I know what you're thinking: "Oh, Nostalgia Critic, you're against new forms of medicine and new techniques!" No, I'm not. I'm against a bad Robin Williams movie horribly *relaying* that new form of medicine and new techniques. I personally don't know if the techniques of the real Hunter Adams work. Maybe they do, maybe he's a genius. From what I've looked up, he seems pretty legit. But the way they're trying to tell his story is such a cliched, emotionally-forced dickfest, it makes me want to kick him in his comedic dangly red balls! So let's see how much "based on a real story" can get away with. This is "Patch Adams".
- Arthur: [to Patch] Look beyond the fingers. How many do you see?
- Patch: [defocusing on fingers so they appear double] Eight.
- Arthur: Eight's a good answer. You see what no one else sees. You see what everyone else chooses not to see for fear, conformity, or laziness.
- Nostalgia Critic: Wow, how inspiring. That's the most original message I've ever heard in a Robin Williams movie since "Good Morning, Vietnam", "Dead Poets Society", "Fisher King", "Jack", "Good Will Hunting", "Being Human", "Jakob the Liar", "Flubber", "Bicentennial Man", and "Man of the Year", but I'm sure this Robin Williams movie has a totally different spin on it!
- Nostalgia Critic: [about Patch] So he finds the best spot to inspiringly rebel as he meets up with his new roommate.
- Mitch: I don't mean to be rude, but aren't you a little old to be starting medical school?
- Patch: [shaking hands with him] Patch Adams.
- Mitch: Mitch Roman, Georgetown University. I was awarded the William F. Thompson Scientific Achievement Award.
- Patch: I once drew a picture of a rabbit that got me two gold stars.
- [Mitch stares, nonplussed]
- Nostalgia Critic: [talking like Mitch] I hope you in no way emotionally change me by the end of this film.
- [snorts in repressed emotion]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, I can clearly see that this movie's going to represent people in an accurate and realistic manner. No stereotypes or manipulative portrayals here. This movie's like watching real life!
- Nostalgia Critic: [in the movie, Patch's girlfriend gets murdered] Whoa! Holy smokes, she died in real life? That's horrible! Can I even make a joke about that? I mean, a woman was murdered! It would probably be in bad taste, right? I mean, it's... God, I feel so bad about what I said earlier! I don't know about what I can or can't get away with now! This is really sensitive territory! Holy *beep*
- [pulls out Blackberry]
- Nostalgia Critic: I need to do more research on this! I need to find out all the details! Maybe she was molested. Maybe she did go through all that horrible stuff, or maybe she was...
- [stops abruptly as he finds what he is looking for]
- Nostalgia Critic: ... A MAN! Who was not romantically interested in Patch AT ALL. In fact, the female character was a complete work of fiction in this movie!
- [he pauses again to think about the fact, then nods before he drops the Blackberry and starts removing his belt]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, movie. Come here. Come here, movie! Come here! You're getting a whipping, movie! YOU'RE GETTING A WHIPPING, MOVIE!
- [the poster to the film is se en laughing and jumping away]
- Nostalgia Critic: Come here, come here! No, where do you think you're going? Where do you think you're going? No, no, no!
- [the Critic grabs the laughing poster and puts it on his lap; he starts giving the poster the belt]
- Nostalgia Critic: That's a BAD movie, that's a BAD, BAD movie! I am so ashamed of you! BAD MOVIE!
- [in the movie, an old woman tells Patch that she wants to swim in a pool full of noodles]
- Nostalgia Critic: Look up Japanese porn. I'm sure you'll find something.
- Nostalgia Critic: So acting kooky to entertain patients is one thing, but, fuck it. Patch wants to act like an ass full time! So he goes around to all the students who are not sick and annoys the living shit out of them. Even when they're in the middle of taking a test.
- Patch: [using a skeleton as a puppet] Donner, party of fifty! Donner! Donner, party over here!
- Nostalgia Critic: You know, if I... stab you... will you promise me that you will not only die, but it will hurt?
- [in the movie, the establishment intends to shut down Patch Adams for making patients and everyone else uncomfortable]
- Nostalgia Critic: [in a British accent] Let me make this clear: you have orthodox, unorthodox, and then... MOST UNORTHODOX! YOU'RE HERE!
- Nostalgia Critic: [about Patch] So finally, and I mean FINALLY, he gets himself expelled. Gah! I can't imagine why!
- Walcott: [to Patch] Kindly remove your things and vacate the school premises as soon as possible.
- Patch: What for? For asking a group of doctors to have a sense of humor about themselves?
- Nostalgia Critic: No. That wasn't asking, that was forcing. As a comedian, you should know the difference! BAD CLOWN!
- Patch: Why am I such a threat to you, sir?
- Walcott: Because what you want is for us to get down there on the same level as our patients.
- Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Walcott] We are not on the same level as them! WE ARE HEALTHY!
- Nostalgia Critic: [about Patch] So after getting torn up about his never-existing girlfriend being killed, he once again contemplates suicide. But - get a load of this - a butterfly flies up to him. Oh, could it be his dead girlfriend?
- [Patch looks at the butterfly while the background music swells]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess it is, seeing how the vomit-inducing happy music is playing louder than a "Full House" episode! I guess this means he can go back and start working with patients again, including giving that crazy lady her swimming pool full of noodles.
- [the elderly lady from earlier swims in a pool of noodles]
- Nostalgia Critic: This calls for that whimsical Robin Williams yell that can only be played over sappy emotional music.
- [Patch screams in ecstasy as he joins in the fun; Mitch watches from a distance]
- Nostalgia Critic: [imitating Mitch] My story arc is complete.
- Nostalgia Critic: But the big, bad establishment wants to shut him down again! Didn't we just go through this scene?
- Nostalgia Critic: So Patch tries to make a move on the obvious love interest, but sadly, like most of the people in this movie, her dialogue is nothing but a walking character introduction for the trailer.
- Nostalgia Critic: Even for 1969, wouldn't they know not to put a person who's for the most part calm and of sound mind in a ward filled with screaming, unstable people? Well, maybe they're not unstable. Maybe they're just misunderstood. Oh, Patch, show us the way.
- Nostalgia Critic: You know what to do? You know what? Don't watch the fictional, bad Patch Adams! Watch the real, factual Patch Adams. I've looked him up. His work is fascinating, and it goes beyond simply jumping around like a jackass. He's a professional, he takes his patients seriously, he works with each one individually, every experience is different, and he WORKS HARD. And, wouldn't you know it? He didn't like this movie very much. He said it portrayed him as just a clown instead of a hard working doctor who DID practice medicine with a license, did NOT steal from a hospital, and had a MALE best friend who sadly lost his life and was not just a cheap romantic foil!
- [at the end, Patch is graduating, but he is naked under his gown and he moons the camera]
- Nostalgia Critic: Dr. Adams, everybody! He'll see you on your deathbed, which remember, he doesn't see as a big deal!
- Nostalgia Critic: He keeps making his speech and, I swear to God, he uses all these cliched lines: "As God is my witness"...
- Patch: As God is my witness...
- Nostalgia Critic: ..."Then I am guilty as charged"...
- Patch: Then I am guilty as charged.
- Nostalgia Critic: ..."I've lost everything, but also gained everything"...
- Patch: I've lost everything, but I've also gained everything.
- Nostalgia Critic: ..."You can't control my spirit"...
- Patch: You can't control my spirit.
- Nostalgia Critic: ...and "The best damn doctor the world has ever seen".
- Patch: The best damn doctor the world has ever seen.
- Nostalgia Critic: [looking at sheet of paper] Oh, wait! You forgot "You complete me", and "Love means never having to say you're sorry".