Attack of the Clones Review (2010 Video)

Mike Stoklasa: Harry S. Plinkett

Quotes 

• Harry S. Plinkett : Hollywood and advertisers have a term they use to avoid being called racists. The term they use is "the Urban Market." Now the Urban Market once stole my TV, so I know they like movies.

• Harry S. Plinkett : So do the prequels basically expose Lucas as a shallow, emotionless businessman? I'll let you decide... but the answer is yes.

• Harry S. Plinkett : They say Dooku is just a political idealist.

  Ki-Adi Mundi : He is a political ideali...

  Harry S. Plinkett : Shut up, I'm talking.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : He went in there to hide, not to run.

  Harry S. Plinkett : How do you know that? Hey, I asked you a question. How do you know he went in there to hide? Did you read the script too? Hey, what's that? What's that on the ground over there? Is that the script?

• Anakin Skywalker : I killed them. I killed them all.

  Starfleet Crewmember : Um, hi, excuse me.

  Anakin Skywalker : They're dead.

  Starfleet Crewmember : I'd like to discuss some minor inconsistencies with some of the equipment in this room, and how it's a little different from Episode IV: A New Hope.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Be quiet, this isn't the time.

  Starfleet Crewmember : What?

  Anakin Skywalker : I hate them!

  Starfleet Crewmember : What's not the right time? What?

  Harry S. Plinkett : This is an emotional moment. Anakin just killed some Sand People.

  Starfleet Crewmember : You mean Arabs?

  Harry S. Plinkett : No. No, you racist. No!

  Starfleet Crewmember : Oh. Oh, geez. Sorry. I wanted to talk about the control panels.

• Yoda : Begun, the Clone War has.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Hey you started it, idiot.

• Yoda : Size matters not.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Oh, I'm sorry, Yoda, it does. It does if you use a lightsaber. All your wise sayings have been ruined in the prequels, I'm so sorry.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Later that night, in a romantic fireside setting, Padme has changed into a sexy S&M outfit and teases this guy even more. Then he starts crying.

  Anakin Skywalker : The closer I get to you, the worse it gets.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Then he starts begging for sex.

  Anakin Skywalker : I will do anything that you ask.

  Harry S. Plinkett : But she still tells him no because she's a senator?

  Padme : I'm a senator.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Let the guy get his rocks off!

• Harry S. Plinkett : So then Anakin acts like some kind of undercover thug cop.

  Anakin Skywalker : Jedi business, go back to your drinks. Who hired you? Tell us. Tell us NOW!

  Harry S. Plinkett : I thought Jedi were like peaceful guardians for the Republic, not Serpico. Well, I guess when the guy who's training you says this:

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : This weapon is your life.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Then you kind of have a distorted view of things. What was it Yoda once said?

  Yoda : Wars not make one great.

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : This weapon is your life.

  Harry S. Plinkett : But now a weapon is your whole life?

• Harry S. Plinkett : So in short, Jackson was cast not because he was good for the part, but because his name would bring in extra dollars and an audience that might not have come otherwise.

• Harry S. Plinkett : If we got a scene where all these children hold lightsabers, the kids will love it. After all, these are just simple movies made for kids and not adults at all. Which is why they have assassination attempts, sexual innuendo, decapitations, kidnap, torture and suggested rape, hookers, boring political dialogue, forced amputations, drug dealing, mass murder.

• Harry S. Plinkett : For Christ sake, parents don't love their kids, men don't love women, Mace is unmarried, Palpatine don't got a wife. In fact, the only person in the galaxy who's married is Jimmy Smits.

• [repeated line] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : Palpatine's behind it all.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Y'know, I could spend 10 hours talking about just how incredibly dumb this entire sequence is, but I'm gonna try to do it in 9.

• Harry S. Plinkett : See, when you say something right to a woman, she smiles, it tickles her brain, which in turns sends blood flowing down to her sex hole. But a smile can also be deceptive and could indicate one of 117 different things: sarcasm, incredulity, condescension, confusion, contemplation, facetiousness...

• Harry S. Plinkett : Then the very first thing that comes out of Anakin's mouth is a very awkward and inappropriately placed compliment.

  Anakin Skywalker : So have you. Grown more beautiful, I mean.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Inappropriate compliment. She smiles lovingly and dismisses it as nerves. Women don't mind an initial nervousness from a guy, it's complimentary and cute to them.

  [cuts to a shot of Jar Jar] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : But it gets old real fast.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Then she drops an unintentional Freudian phallic reference.

  Padme : My goodness, you've grown.

• Harry S. Plinkett : When you're first courting a woman, she'll be interested in two things: that you don't look like Danny DeVito, and that you do and say all the right things.

• Harry S. Plinkett : And by the way, what in the hell is she wearing? I mean, really. She's kinda just asking for this guy to, um, use the force, isn't she? I mean, she might as well just show him where the pinball machine is.

• Harry S. Plinkett : The allure that Samuel L. Jackson was going to be some kind of awesome, ass-kicking Jedi in Star Wars was nothing more than a dirty, sleazy marketing gimmick. He didn't do anything. And his delivery of the clunky dialogue was just fucking awful.

  Mace Windu : Remember, Obi-Wan, if the prophecy is true, your apprentice is the only one who...

  Samuel L. Jackson : Well, hey, y'know, it's a Star Wars movie.

  Harry S. Plinkett : He did awkwardly swing a sword around and then decapitate a poor guy who was trying to make his way in the galaxy, but by no means was Jackson a bad-ass in this movie. He was just yet another creepy, boring asshole. Coulda done him in CGI, it wouldn't have made a difference.

• Harry S. Plinkett : They might as well have started the whole prequel saga here. I mean, why not? Qui-Gon died, Anakin and Padme just kind of got to know each other, and now we're given 60 seconds in an elevator to establish that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends, and please notice how this is not accomplished by how they act as friends, but rather it's by them recounting things that happened in the past. Things we never see.

• Harry S. Plinkett : With Luke and Han Solo, we see their friendship grow. At first they don't really like each other, then they save each others' asses a few times, go through some rough patches together, then they grow and change like real people. So when old Obi-Wan says:

  Ben Kenobi : And he was a good friend.

  Harry S. Plinkett : You get a sense that it was like a real friendship. But it never seems to have been because Obi-Wan still seems irritated with this brat.

• Harry S. Plinkett : To that, I leave you with the immortal words of Sigmund Freud: "sometimes a cigar is just a giant vagina in the desert that swallows men whole."

• Harry S. Plinkett : This is another classic case of role reversal. Anakin really should've been the one who threw himself out the window to catch the probe droid. Obi-Wan would have made, like, an annoyed face and then went out after him in the Jetsons car.

• Harry S. Plinkett : When Anakin tells him it's a shape-shifter, Obi-Wan knows to be extra careful.

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : In that case, be extra careful.

  Harry S. Plinkett : As if they were only being sort-of careful before.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Finally they arrive at the most romantic city in the universe, and Anakin scores a few points early on. Carrying her luggage.

  Padme : I was relieved when my two terms were up. But when the queen asked me to serve in the senate...

  Harry S. Plinkett : Listening to her prattle on about herself. For a few minutes, it seems like he's learning. But then he goes back to being a prick.

  Anakin Skywalker : [as Padme is talking]  Hold on a minute.

  Padme : Excuse me.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Interrupting.

  Anakin Skywalker : Excuse me!

  Harry S. Plinkett : Losing temper.

  Anakin Skywalker : Sorry, milady.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Forced apology.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Now again, I must stress this doesn't mean that all black people like the same kind of movies. But if I had to pick a single demographic that would be least likely to watch a movie with scenes like this:

  [Jar Jar gets a shock from the podracer] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : It'd be black people. Oh, come on, you know I'm right. George Lucas does attempt to correct this missing demographic problem by casting two of the coolest black dudes ever

  [Billy Dee Williams and Samuel L. Jackson] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : in Star Wars. Now while Billy got to play a role that was like a real cool dude.

  Lando Calrissian : Hello, what have we here?

  Harry S. Plinkett : Samuel Jackson is horribly miscast as the most boringest character ever. See, Jackson's strength as an actor is not playing someone who is reserved and wise. It's playing bad motherfuckers.

• Nadine : Were you ever married? Do you have a wife?

  Harry S. Plinkett : Er, I had three of them actually. They all died in unrelated accidents.

• Obi-Wan Kenobi : I hate it when he does that.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Yeah, I'll bet you do, asshole.

• Harry S. Plinkett : [Nadine puts on what Harry thinks is Episode III]  Yeah. It's gonna be great. Gonna point out all the flaws... what's this, the Jedi library? What? WHAT? Baby's Day Out? Hey! What in the fuck? You lied to me!

• Harry S. Plinkett : What red-blooded male wouldn't want to dock his canoe in Natalie's port, man?

• Harry S. Plinkett : When you suck out the humanity from the films and replace it with the ease of digital filmmaking, well, it just sucks.

• Nadine : Harry, I have an idea. Let's watch Episode III, I wanna see how this fucking schlock ends.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Oh, baby, I haven't even started my review of Episode II. I was plannin' on doin' that after I dumped your body.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Let's look back to 1997: Titanic is breaking box office records around the world, while at the same time, Lucas is shooting Episode I. While he's waiting around for others to do the work that he'll eventually take credit for, he complains about Titanic.

  George Lucas : You know, we're never going to beat Titanic. Nobody can.

  Harry S. Plinkett : You can see how annoyed he is that another director is making more money than him and stealing the spotlight. Now it'd be really naive to assume George Lucas returned to filmmaking just because he wanted to tell the origin story of Star Wars. He's a businessman first and a filmmaker second. But he's a good businessman, I'll agree to that.

• Harry S. Plinkett : So this movie is called Attack of the Clones, so I guess we should talk about that shit, and what can laughingly be called the plot.

• Harry S. Plinkett : But now we gotta see more kids. It's almost like Lucas thought he needed to have kids IN the movie for kids to want to buy things FROM the movie. Like they would all wanna be little Jedis themselves. Imaginations work different than that. Kids will want to play as Han Solo or Luke Skywalker, or wanna be Lando blowing up the Death Star. Nobody ever wanted to be Gh'or-Bon Zhuma.

  Kid : Because someone erased it from da archive memory.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Or that t'wirp.

• Rick McCallum : It's so dense. Every single frame has so many...

  Harry S. Plinkett : Oh, shut your fucking face!

• Harry S. Plinkett : You know, they make a magic potion that makes you forget about The Phantom Menace when you drink it. It's called bleach.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Empire pulled this off perfectly, of course. 'Cause I love Empire so much I fuck it.

• Harry S. Plinkett : You see, the thing about assassins is they strike when you least exp...

  [pop!] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : Oh, sorry about that. I had a movie on in the other room, I wanted to go turn it off.

• Harry S. Plinkett : And don't say it was the will of the Force, unless you don't want me to send you a pizza roll, and when I send it to ya, I'm gonna shove it up your ass.

• Nadine : I miss my baby.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Baby? Well you know it's been three days now, right? I'm afraid your baby's with the angels.

• Harry S. Plinkett : My cat ain't gonna milk itself!

• Harry S. Plinkett : In the first trilogy, before we got to the Ewoks, of course, all the toys seemed to be a byproduct of the movie. There was a charming simplicity to it all. Now everything sucks.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Do those guys have PKE meters? Am I going insane?

• Harry S. Plinkett : So the plot is that someone is trying to kill Amidala for no reason, and Anakin and Obi-Wan are assigned to protect her. So she doesn't sleep in an interior bedroom in this building without a window where it would be safer, but rather in a room where the blinds are half open and a city of 900 quadrillion people can see her, especially the robot that was sent to kill her. They say they're doing this so she can be bait to catch the assassin.

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : You're using her as bait?

  Harry S. Plinkett : But she turns off any kind of camera surveillance so she could have her privacy.

  Anakin Skywalker : I don't think she liked me watching her.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Is that more important than your life, you dumb bimbo?

• Rick McCallum : It's so dense, every single frame...

  Harry S. Plinkett : Shut up! There's only one thing that's dense here and it ain't the frame.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Maybe Anakin was spending too much time in Obi-Wan's Outer Rim...

  Obi-Wan Kenobi : Yes!

  [chuckles] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : Huh, I mean in the Outer Rim with Obi-Wan! Boy, that didn't come out right.

• Harry S. Plinkett : [about the romance between Anakin and Padme]  Now you say, "Maybe they are in love, and maybe I just don't see it cuz I'm a psychopath who butchers women." Well, it's... To that I say, let's turn towards further analysis to find our conclusion. Now I've analysed this film with two experts in the field of true love: porn star Joslyn James and Tiger Woods. Both have provided me with valuable insights about love and stable, monogamous relationships. For most men and especially Anakin, a nineteen-year-old male with raging hormones, the list of what he's lookin for in a relationship is rather short.

  Tiger Woods : Number one: is she hot? Number two: seriously, bro, how hot is she?

  Harry S. Plinkett : And that's it. Now, what women are looking for is a little more complex. Their list is as follows.

  Joslyn James : Does he have a good job? Where does he live, and what kind of car does he drive? He needs to be confident without being too arrogant. He needs to be funny, but not like goofy funny. He needs to be tall, but not *too* tall, or like weird tall. He should be spontaneous, but only when I'm expecting it. Handsome is a plus and handsome with good hair is better. No baldies! LOL! He needs to know the exact time to say *all* the right things. He needs to know the right time not to say anything. He really needs to know how to treat me like the woman I am both in the bedroom and when we're out on the town. He needs to be family oriented and good with kids, but not *too* good with kids, like in a creepy clown way. He needs to be intelligent, or at the very least money smart so we can know how to invest for retirement, the kid's college fund, and our funeral expenses. He can have his friends and do things with them, but only when it's convenient for me. He needs to care about me, but not be too controlling. You know, sometimes I just wanna go out and have fun with the girls, and he needs to be ok with that, and not get all like... hey, where are you going?

  Harry S. Plinkett : Ok, stop! Thank you, that'll be all. Then the list goes on to 167, but I'll stop there. You get the point.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Having a creepy skeleton hand!

  [buzz] 

• Harry S. Plinkett : [about Anakin's mistakes while trying to impress Padme]  For a few minutes it seems like he's learning. But then he goes back to being a prick.

  Padme : But I was thinking...

  Anakin Skywalker : Hold on a minute!

  Padme : Excuse me!

  Harry S. Plinkett : Interrupting!

  [buzz] 

  Anakin Skywalker : Excuse *me*!

  Harry S. Plinkett : Losing temper!

  [buzz] 

  Anakin Skywalker : Sorry, m'lady.

  Harry S. Plinkett : Forced apology!

  [buzz] 

• Harry S. Plinkett : Next Anakin murders women and children...

  [buzz] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : ... brings a corpse home...

  [buzz] 

  Harry S. Plinkett : ... and goes into a psychotic megalomaniacal rant.

  [buzz] 

• Harry S. Plinkett : And then, even though Anakin's strikes far outweigh his successes, she still marries the guy after knowing him for only like three days. Y'know what? I take it all back. I take back every piece of criticism I ever said about the guy. George Lucas, I present you with the "Totally and Completely Understands Women" trophy. You've earned it my friend. You've earned it.

• Harry S. Plinkett : These are the real flaws of the prequels. Not the tiny nitpicking about things, but the *major* problems.

  Rick McCallum : Every... single... frame. Every single shot in the movie has a digital effect.

  Natalie Portman : Pretty much every set has blue screen, even if it's just at a window or something.

  Hayden Christensen : It's everywhere. I think I've been on *one* set where there hasn't been any blue screen.

  Ewan McGregor : The guy who's creating that character will create their... responses off what... how you respond to their responses that aren't there? It's a nightmare!

• Harry S. Plinkett : Oh, my pizza rolls is done. You want some pizza rolls? Are ya sure? They're really good pizza rolls. They're hot and pizza-y.

• Harry S. Plinkett : Who is FBI, and what is he always warning me about?

• Harry S. Plinkett : Anybody wanna help me milk my cat? It's time to make breakfast.