- Jeff Winger: Your Honor... I have no closing statement because I'm throwing the case.
- [People gasp]
- Jeff Winger: No, no, it's okay. It's fine, don't worry. My client, Shirley Bennett, my friend of three years, she told me that it was okay. She said what I want was more important. She's right, right? I mean, guys like me, we'll tell you there's no right or wrong. There's no real truths. And as long as we all believe that, guys like me can never lose. Because the truth is... I'm lying when I say there is no truth. The truth is... the pathetically, stupidly, inconveniently obvious truth is... helping only ourselves is bad and helping each other is good. Now, I just wanted to get out of here, pass biology, and be a lawyer again, instead of helping Shirley. That was bad. And my former colleague wanted so badly to keep his rich client, that he just asked me to roll over in exchange for my old job.
- [All gasp]
- Jeff Winger: So, I guess we all walked in here pretty bad. But now... Shirley's gone good. Shirley's helping me. It's that easy. You just stop thinking about what's good for you, and start thinking about what's good for someone else. And you can change the whole game with one move. Now, if you like this idea, you can make it true by doing something good for everyone here. Throw this case out of court. It's dumb. That is all.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I withdraw my case!
- [Turns to Alan]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Why didn't you just do some inspirational speech about friendship? You're fired.
- Evil Abed: You're worried you'll go crazy without Troy. That's why you're going to let Britta fix you, right? Because you think you're broken, you're going to get diagnosed by someone who said her favorite superhero was X-Man.
- Alan Connor: Way to go, soft serve. You're finished. By the way, I never got a chance to tell you this, but it was me who turned you in to the state bar.
- Jeff Winger: I know. And I never got a chance to thank you.
- Alan Connor: This place has made you so gay.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Hey! Don't use "gay" as a derogatory term. Boo-yah! Good person.
- Jeff Winger: Hey, uh, while I'm doing this, does anyone know any funny jokes?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I do! An Irish and a Jew walk into a Chinese laundry. With a gay duck...
- [Title Card Three Jokes Later]
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Everyone is booing and throwing things at Pierce] All right, okay! Oh, right! So you're telling me they're not good at basketball?
- Britta Perry: Today is Abed's first therapy session.
- Jeff Winger: His what?
- Britta Perry: He's been feeling extra vulnerable lately, having lost Troy to the air conditioning repair school, so he's finally gonna let me practice my psych skills on him. Give me some credit, Winger. What's the worst that could happen?
- Leonard: Classic tee-up.
- Evil Abed: Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta? A person that wishes, deep down, that everyone more special than them was sick, because "Healthy" sounds so much more exciting than "Boring."
- Alan Connor: What are you trying to do, Winger? Zealously represent your client? Let me make things a little easier for you. Figure out a way to throw this case, or figure out where you're gonna work when you get out of here, because I don't know where it's gonna be if it's not for us. That's right, Jeff. I went there. You drove me there. Miss Daisy's in the house, thanks for the ride, sorry about slavery.
- Evil Abed: Do you know what kind of person becomes a psychologist, Britta? A person that wishes, deep down, that everyone more special than them was sick, because "healthy" sounds so much more exciting than "boring." You're average, Britta Perry. You're every kid on the playground that didn't get picked on. You're a business casual potted plant, a human white sale. You're VH1, Robocop 2, and Back to the Future 3. You're the center slice of a square cheese pizza.
- [slight pause]
- Evil Abed: Actually, that sounds delicious. I'm the center slice of a square cheese pizza. You're Jim Belushi.
- [Britta gasps]
- Evil Abed: Abed.
- Abed Nadir: I'm not talking to you because I'm not crazy.
- Evil Abed: Think of it as inner dialogue.
- Abed Nadir: Shh. I'm reading the novelization of Chronicles of Riddick.
- Evil Abed: Can you honestly tell me that's a saner decision?
- Abed Nadir: Britta, I'm so sorry.
- Britta Perry: It doesn't matter, Abed. I should've never played therapist with you. I'll change my major just one more time.
- Abed Nadir: But you can't. You cured me. I mean, I'm not cured. I'm willing to admit I definitely need therapy. You're the only kind of shrink I could ever trust. The kind with as little control over my mind as me.
- Jeff Winger: [to Shirley] Look. You want one piece of free advice? Let Pierce cool down. You know how crazy and paranoid he can get.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [Pops up from behind two cardboards he has dressed up to look like the library background] A-ha! Crazy? Paranoid? Impotent?
- Britta Perry: You say your name is Evil Abed, which does not throw me, because I'm a therapist. So let's talk about evil.
- [Evil Abed looks spookily at her]
- Britta Perry: You know what? Maybe I should talk to Good Abed instead.
- Abed Nadir: [as Evil Abed] Where I come from, his name is Lame Abed.
- Britta Perry: And you come from...?
- Abed Nadir: [as Evil Abed] The darkest timeline. You might call it the Britta of timelines, where everything is the worst.
- Jeff Winger: Don't oversell your clout, Alan. You're partner because I sold you to Ted. Ted respects me...
- Alan Connor: Ted's gone. He got too old, couldn't swim with the sharks, and got eaten.
- Jeff Winger: That makes no sense. He started the firm. You can't lose your own firm.
- Alan Connor: You can if you're dead. That shark thing was not a metaphor.
- Chaplin: Vice Dean Laybourne was repairing a flow duct rupture, and he inhaled a lethal dose of freon. May his breeze join the wind.
- Troy Barnes: This ceremony is a lie. And having a special room for it is a waste of valuable floor space.
- Murray: You are no longer a student here. And we use this room for yoga on weekends.
- Chaplin: [about Murray] Gentlemen, take this man to the infinite labyrinth of eternal ice.
- AC Students: [Cheering] Yes!
- Troy Barnes: No! No, take him to the police. He *murdered* someone. Take him to jail. You guys are weird.
- Vice Dean Laybourne: You are the true repairman, Troy. You fix not only air conditioners... but the men who fix them.
- Jeff Winger: So... cellular mitosis is what?
- Britta Perry: I miss Troy.
- Jeff Winger: Wrong, and stop guessing that.
- Dean Pelton: My goodness, this molehill is becoming a mountain. You guys work it out, while I put together an Alpine costume.