Family Guy (TV Series)

Ratings Guy (2012)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Tom Tucker, Captain Seamus, Carter Pewterschmidt, Dr. Elmer Hartman, David Letterman, NBC Announcer, Waiter

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peter Griffin : Okay. Dick Wolf, make the same "Law & Order" six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? 'Cause I want your name to be Dick Weiner.

  Dick Wolf : Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf-Weiner?

  Peter Griffin : [laughs]  Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes.

• Peter Griffin : J.J. Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possible can understand. What do you got?

  J.J. Abrams : I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern-European town.

  Peter Griffin : Totally confused. Do it.

• Peter Griffin : Okay. Mark Burnett, you did "Survivor" and "The Apprentice". Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiving things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money?

  Mark Burnett : I got some ideas. Here's a nickel. Pull down your pants.

  [Peter pulls down his pants] 

  Mark Burnett : There's a show.

  Peter Griffin : Ah-ha! Go!

• Peter Griffin : Ok, bravo people: go find women fighting. No, you know what? Just find women, they'll end up fighting.

• Peter Griffin : I don't like the left puppet, his chin is scary!

• Waiter : Not at my bar, you won't. Get out of here!

• Glenn Quagmire : You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!

• Peter Griffin : Geez, I can't show my face anywhere. I might as will be back doing public radio.

• Dr. Elmer Hartman : Oh. Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out!

• Captain Seamus : You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720! He's turning around too much!

• Carter Pewterschmidt : You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system! Now it feels like they're not losing enough!

• Peter Griffin : Hey, guys. How you doing?

  Joe Swanson : Not so good, Peter.

  Glenn Quagmire : Yeah, me, either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that pharse? I read it in a book, you monster!

  Peter Griffin : Aw, come on, let me make it up to you. Let me buy you a beer.

  Joe Swanson : No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : What are you talking about? You guys are my pals.

  Glenn Quagmire : We used to be, Peter. Now, scram.

  Peter Griffin : Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar.

• Brian Griffin : Hey, what's wrong, Peter?

  Peter Griffin : I miss my friends, Brain. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't got Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.

  Brian Griffin : Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.

  Peter Griffin : So what do I do, Brian?

  Brian Griffin : Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence televison. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was.

  Peter Griffin : You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and... What the hell?

  Mayor Adam West : That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!

  Brian Griffin : Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box!

  Peter Griffin : Holy crap!

  Brian Griffin : We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was.

  Peter Griffin : Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian. I think I just got an idea. Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. I got it! Aah! Son of a bitch!