- Peter Griffin: Okay. Dick Wolf, make the same "Law & Order" six times. Oh, and also, could you marry Matt Weiner? 'Cause I want your name to be Dick Weiner.
- Dick Wolf: Okay, but can I go by Dick Wolf-Weiner?
- Peter Griffin: [laughs] Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes.
- Peter Griffin: J.J. Abrams, you take wonder and complexity and present it in a way that no one can possible can understand. What do you got?
- J.J. Abrams: I've got an alien that goes back in time and encounters a koala bear in an Eastern-European town.
- Peter Griffin: Totally confused. Do it.
- Peter Griffin: Okay. Mark Burnett, you did "Survivor" and "The Apprentice". Can you give me a reality show where people do horrible, unforgiving things to each other for embarrassingly small sums of money?
- Mark Burnett: I got some ideas. Here's a nickel. Pull down your pants.
- [Peter pulls down his pants]
- Mark Burnett: There's a show.
- Peter Griffin: Ah-ha! Go!
- Peter Griffin: Ok, bravo people: go find women fighting. No, you know what? Just find women, they'll end up fighting.
- Glenn Quagmire: You put a real cougar on Cougar Town, and now that cougar's dead because Courtney Cox ripped it apart with her teeth and claws!
- Dr. Elmer Hartman: Oh. Well, you've got a lot of nerve coming in here after what you did to television. Now, get out!
- Captain Seamus: You turned Anderson Cooper 360 into Anderson Cooper 720! He's turning around too much!
- Carter Pewterschmidt: You converted The Biggest Loser to the metric system! Now it feels like they're not losing enough!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, guys. How you doing?
- Joe Swanson: Not so good, Peter.
- Glenn Quagmire: Yeah, me, either. Thanks to you, TV's a vast wasteland. You know how I know that pharse? I read it in a book, you monster!
- Peter Griffin: Aw, come on, let me make it up to you. Let me buy you a beer.
- Joe Swanson: No, that seat's taken. Move along, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: What are you talking about? You guys are my pals.
- Glenn Quagmire: We used to be, Peter. Now, scram.
- Peter Griffin: Well, fine, I'll sit at the bar.
- Brian Griffin: Hey, what's wrong, Peter?
- Peter Griffin: I miss my friends, Brain. I mean, I was having fun with those Nielsen boxes, but what's the point if I don't got Joe and Quagmire to enjoy it with me? I guess I shouldn't have messed with television.
- Brian Griffin: Well, it's not exactly your fault. The networks never should have listened to you in the first place. This is exactly what makes bad television: pandering to the lowest common denominator.
- Peter Griffin: So what do I do, Brian?
- Brian Griffin: Well, you still have these boxes. That means you still have the power to influence televison. Maybe you can use that power to help restore TV to the way it was.
- Peter Griffin: You're right, Brian. Maybe if I watch smart, quality shows, that'll help get things back to the way they were. We can use these boxes for good and... What the hell?
- Mayor Adam West: That's for adding another tree to One Tree Hill!
- Brian Griffin: Oh, my God, he destroyed every last box!
- Peter Griffin: Holy crap!
- Brian Griffin: We're sunk now, Peter. There goes your one chance to get TV back to the way it was.
- Peter Griffin: Wait a minute. Maybe not, Brian. I think I just got an idea. Aah! I got glass in my face! Oh, crap. Now I forgot what it was. I got it! Aah! Son of a bitch!